i'm sick...

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of not being trusted
of having my memories slowly be depleted from my mind
of being contradicted when i know i'm right.
of having to hide the things i love because they aren't execpted in this house
of hearing about anything scriptual
of never getting things done
of being forced to enjoy things i used to like that i hate now
of not being able to sell my jet ski
of being an aspie
of not getting any decent sleep in years
of pills
of having to shout something just to get people to understand i mean what i mean, even then i'm still contradicted
of being missunderstood
of having my problems blown off as not important
of having to live with NTS
of not being able to see my friend
of burying everything that bothers me and no one understands that it isn't good to do but they won't listen anyway so they might as well be forcing me to bury anger, hurt and other things.
of having a god damn channel blocker on my tv that i don't know the password to.

i'm sick of it the problems that this household has toward me is getting old, i know that before we moved up here, before my mom nearly died in the hospital, before i was DXed, before i made torch 2 [though i'm not saying that the story is a bad thing], things were different we weren't surrounded by every thing airborn that i'm allergic to, i didn't have chest pains, a faster heartbeat, sinus pressure that hurts all the time, we didn't live next to a river, had a nice 1 story house, were sorrounded by cactus that i wasn't allergic to, stayed in hotels on vacations and not no stinkin' trailer, i could sleep better, and it never snowed or rained hardly ever.

i miss my old life at least back then i could cry for no reason and not be bothered or lectured to death, because the reason i'm upset isn't good enough or an acceptible reason.

i'm also tired of being told i'm better then what i am, i know that my art sucks and there are plenty of others who do way better and most are younger, i can't do animation and i'm not going to pretend i can, my humor and comic making skills are trash and there is no way around it, i am not that paitent and i know i'm not.

my life might not be bad but it's the continueous things that happen all the time that make it unbearable to live in this house most days.
i have no idea where this rant should go, but i'm not asking for help because there is nothing i can do to change anything.

it's basicly like this.
i'm darkness they are light, the two have never mixed well.

and as of now i want to smash my satilite reciever, and i'm pray to whatever gods there are that my dad is at work right now or i'd be getting lectured.

neither of my parents understand jack about me anymore they say they do and they are lieing to themselves to make themselves feel better.

oh and this has nothing to do with sleep deprived maddness and anger, i slept 8 to 9 hours last night so i'm thinking very clearly now.

and come febuary the only person that i can truly talk to has to go away again, and i go back down that nasty spiral that i'm still recovering from. there are so many people i am around that i could tell my frustrasions to but since i'm never alone i can't say a damn thing that i want to cause i'll just get contradicted again like always.

i have problems and no one even cares enough to recoqnize that and i'm not going to take much more of it.

I can see the stuff you are saying and understand.

What do you plan on doing?

i'm not sure there is much i can do, my mom wondered what i was upset about and i showed her this topic half way through and she was contradicting again.

she thought all my problems were with her but they weren't most of it was me angry at me.

this has been an ongoing thing and has been for years and years now.

i used to accept it when i was young and stupid, and thought they were right, but now i'm learning that i'm not always wrong and i might know more about things then they do and i'm fighting back, i guess some can't handle changes like that.

also my mom said she "tried to get me help" as if i asked for it. i didn't i wanted to ignore my problems do the whole mind over matter thing, i never wanted to know what i know now.

and here i always thought that when i was younger that my fear of people was my attachment to my parents, and i was to stubborn. i know now that was a lie.

Humor and wordplay skills are rare in aspies, to my knowledge. (Though I actually have gifts in writing and comedy now) don't fret over that. Though it would seem you are truly in a sandpit of sorrow now. This may need a powerful remedy of a dangerous sort. I fear this may be both a sickness of the soul and a collapse of the home life.

This may sound cheesy and stupid but if you want to deal with this the first battle you must fight is with yourself. Personal demons will tear you apart long before the home situation reaches the point when it could drive you completely suicidal and insane.

I honestly have no more advice then this but know one thing - something similar to this happened to me not to long ago, my own life was horrid. I wrestled with my personal demons and since then I feel much better, though my home life remains much the same you cannot imagine how much fixing myself helped keep me sane and of this realm.

Get her to read this and learn a generalized version of herself. She will learn the things "her type" does wrong.. You know yourself but how well do you think they know themselves

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Type-Talk-16-Personality-Types/dp/0440507049/sr=1-2/qid=1163564776/ref=sr_1_2/026-3188812-7601237?ie=UTF8&s=books

Jetfox - I can't write the post I want to about our similarities and that, I tried and couldn't. My head is spinning, and its because I'm so not used to relating to people like I can on WP. That all reads waaaaaay too surgary coming form my fingertips. Its very very....weird for me to be able to read from people in their own words, my problems, challenges, etc . And in your case, my former family life, my sleeping and memory problems/quirks. Anyway.....

I guess, I just wish either A - my family would've treated me with some respect, so I could've got along better or B - that I would've just moved out and away from them (long before I actually did)

I'm in mid 20s. And life's still sucky, but at least I'm with someone who gives a s%!t (and acts like it) now. I think the sooner I would've moved out, the better. It would've been nice if someone who could relate to me would've given me some advice, or that I even knew/knew of someone like that back then, who just made the effort to help/listen. So - that's why I wrote this, and if it doesn't make sense or something, sorry.