asperger's and feeling suicidal

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I go back and forth between feeling just o.k. and then feeling suicidal. I am having a really hard time getting a job and it seems like people are reacting even more strongly to my quirks than they ever have before(i.e. my friends aren't hanging around nearly as much as they used to). I have tried anti-depressants but they DO NOT work. I feel like my life is spinning out of control and is getting worse and nothing I do helps. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with depression/suicidal thoughts that seem to go along with AS?

Unfortunately, I haven't found them yet. . .but hang in there and remember, one day things will get better. We don't know when that day will be, and things might get worse. . .but one day things will get better .
I wish I could give you better advice! Don't hesitate to call a sucide help line. Sometimes just talking to someone helps.
I don't want to offend you, but I will pray for things to turn around for you quickly.

This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could take an art class or a part time course in something in your local area? It would give you something to do, something to look forward to and you might meet some new friends. Other than that, perhaps you could go for a walk around your neighbourhood every evening or watch a film every night? These are the things that have helped me because they take my mind off my problems. As far as feeling suicidal, please remember that there is always hope and that life goes on, you just have to choose how to live it. I hope this helps. PM me if you ever want to talk.

Find a good counselor/psychologist/etc. and DO it yesterday. This is straight depression, not ASD here!
Unfortunately, I have been here before to. BTW, your depressed behavior makes it EVEN harder to get a job, function etc. Its probably why your friends are backing off. Psychic pain is hard to take & this is a vicious circle that needs breaking before it can get better.

Sincerely,
Matthew

A few years ago I read in the paper that a boy committed suicide because he got too overwhelmed with people keep staring at him in public all the time even though he knew he wasn't doing or wearing anything unusual (as far as I know he was neurotypical but with some sort of a social phobia disorder or something if it made him feel this way). He just could not handle it any more, and knew it wasn't complimental because he wasn't outstandingly gorgeous, and he didn't know what it was that caught their attention, so he thought he'd put an end to their nasty critical opinions against him by killing himself off.

And sometimes I wonder if I should do the same.

That's sad. He must have been in so much distress. With social phobia, that fear that everyone's looking at you and criticizing can get really intense. I mean, they weren't even looking at him. Or anyway, not looking at him any more than you would look at any casual passerby to avoid running into them on the sidewalk. Even if you're autistic and you walk awkwardly, people don't look at you very much, because that's just not unusual enough to be remarkable. But social phobia can turn totally casual glances into the belief that everyone's looking at you, judging you, criticizing--even though rational analysis easily reveals that no, they have no reason to judge you. Only people who are actually looking for "prey"--you know, a mugger looking for a target or a schoolyard bully looking for someone to push around--would actually be doing that kind of thing; and they're not the sort of people whose opinions matter in the first place. For that matter, that's true of anybody who actually was so intensely critical as what you might fear with social phobia: Anybody who is that critical is not somebody whose opinion matters.

But that perception of being judged and watched by others--it's very real. The experience of it is real and can be very distressing. Fear isn't rational--you can tell yourself over and over that the average person has no reason to be so critical; but your feelings can refuse to listen to your mind, and you're stuck with them. You can re-train your feelings through therapy; but it takes time and there'll probably always be a vulnerability that you have to deal with.

melissajean, are you taking an SSRI? Or exercising?

Our brain chemistry determines our moods. And the right SSRI will help you. In the alternative doing something physical, like walking, will help get the good neurotransmitters coursing through your brain to help alleviate your dark thoughts. If you have pets, play with them. If you have the Marx Brothers on DVD, watch them. If you love to listen to music, cue your favorite songs on the computer or MP3 player. Or if you play an instrument, make some music.

For me, I just had a disappointing letter -- a No Thank You from an employer I've been waiting to hear from for months. So I'm hearing Beck's "I'm a Loser, Baby" line in my head and I want to scream, "I'M A LOSER, BABY, SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL ME!" But I won't. I've got maybe $50 to my name and no way to pay my bills. So I'm going to take a hot shower and then start applying for other jobs. And maybe come back to WP and post up.

Take good care of yourself, melissajean.

Bunnynose--In my experience, if you can't pay a bill, it's a good thing to call up the company and tell them the problem, and pay as much of the bill as you can. Many of them will give you an extension. That way you would have time to find a job and get your first paycheck.

Sometimes I do when I am about to have a real bad meltdown and am tormented while having a bad meltdown.

I feel suicidal all the time, sometimes I have thoughts of killing myself and even planning suicide. I never actually try to do it however (well for now). Mostly this is caused by depression and feelings of inferiority due to AS.

I get this way from time to time. After a rare meltdown especially. I keep in mind my kids and realize my last thoughts would be guilt. Then I go take a walk. You have something to live for...if not yourself something else.

The only times I have ever been depressed is when a realtionship has failed or once when I was working in a very isolated place pre internet when I had no contact with friends. I am currently seperated from my wife because of the aspie behaviours I have enforced on her... I am changing for me but it is hard... and I get very depressed if i think that the relationship is over, ( at this stage there still is some hope).
For me it is about calling my friends and talking ..every conversation is about 50 mins or free phone counselling or talking to family... doing something you enjoy also..
for me the pain is still there but talking helps lessen it...That being said if my wife finally does decide to end our relationship I am really going to need some heavy support.... i am scared to think about it actually