Is this an AS trait and what is it called?

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I always thought people said what they really felt / thought, till I was in my forties. Nowadays I know that very often people say what is in their best interest to say (for a myriad of reasons).

I'll give several examples of what I mean, to increase the likelihood that my question is understood.

- Once, talking with a group of peers about what we wanted to study and work in, someone put down very aggressively what I mentioned I wanted to do. I had no doubt that she really hated that profession, but decades later I discovered, thinking about it, that she was actually adamant to put ME down and make me look bad. Her intent was female-female competition, and I had interpreted it as she becoming aggressive out of so much hatred for that profession.

- Till my forties, I used to believe the "busy" excuse when someone stopped wanting to meet up.

- I used to think that if someone yelled, it was because the anger they felt made them lose control over the expression of their feelings, nowadays I know that very often people yell in order to intimidate.

- I used to think that when someone said: "You can't do that!" it was because they were afraid I could get harmed in some way, that they had only my best interest in mind. Nowadays I know that people will more often say that when THEY don't want you to do something.

- I used to think that "I'm not sure I'll be able to make it" meant they weren't sure rather than "I don't want to come".

- I used to think that when someone said "I'll get back to you on that" they always meant it, but now I know that often it's a way to get rid of the question / issue.

- I used to think that everyone laughed only when they found the joke funny, now I know that very often people laugh in direct proportion to how much they want to be on the good side of the person telling the joke.

That's just your social cues to be honest, and not reading people properly, but I would say (without trying to cause offence) you were sadly quite gullible Maybe stepped all over a lot?

I still think all the things you used to think.

Yeah. It's best to understand that this world is full of complete and utter b/s. Most people are full of it. Most people use b/s just to be polite and mask their true feelings. People also b/s to advance themselves in life/careers and use b/s for very selfish reasons, too. Everything is so fake. At least you can say you're not like them.

I think it's called: "taking things literally" and, from what I've read, many Aspies have it.

I was the same for many years, then I noticed that people didn't actually mean what they say or say what they mean. Worst of all things was that a classmate of mine always used to say how much she cared about me and how great it is that we are friends. I believed her and thought we were friends, although she sometimes treated me badly. Then, one day, she stopped talking to me out of the blue. Now I know she didn't care about me, but was rather the abusive type and wanted someone to abuse and control...

But I felt so betrayed and lost all my trust and confidence in people. Whenever somebody told me something good about me, I was unable to believe them and suspected foul play. And, since I wasn't able to actually recognize when people were lying to me, I suspected everyone and social life became a full-fledged nightmare (not that it had ever been easy for me).

It took me years to get rid of this. I had to undergo a lot of psychotherapy in order to achieve that.

And now...? I'm still as clueless as to whether people mean what they say or not. Sometimes, I can interpret a bit of body language (learned it in therapy school) that might help me grasp better the situation. But I have stopped being obsessed with knowing whether people tell the truth or not. I decided to trust people when it is reasonable to do so, since it allows for more peace of mind, and let their deeds be the best judge (sooner or later, if they have been truthful, they will prove it by their deeds)...

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

Steven, if this is "taking things literal", how can it be that I always understood sarcasm, humor and metaphors and have always been extremely sarcastic, funny and metaphoric myself? Is this a different aspect of "taking things literal"?

I'm not so sure all this stuff is as cut and dry as that. I wonder if maybe you're going too far to the opposite extreme, and assuming that an intention that may or may not be there is always there as a rule? I mean, my understanding of theory of mind was not that it was a set of conventions but an ability to imagine oneself in someone else's place and decipher their behavior that way, which would be a flexible sort of skill that would let a person interpret the same behavior in different contexts and so on. It would be the opposite of a hard and fast set of rules for interpreting behavior. I'm not sure whether any such set of rules exists.

As for whether it's related to AS, it certainly fits with difficulty figuring out people's motivations or difficulty with cognitive empathy. I'm definitely confused about these things myself. Figuring out other people's intentions when they're not showing them openly seems pretty much impossible to me. If I imagined myself in the other's place as I mentioned above I arrive at conclusions that turn out to be wrong.. I gave up on that a long time ago because other people rarely respond the way I would, but that leaves me with no framework to figure them out with. A set of rules would be very nice but I only see ambiguity and risk.

An example: say I want to critique something someone said. I know I might feel defensive if someone did that to me, but if they did it in a respectful tone I'd consider their point and perhaps learn something, and not mind. I do know that some other people respond more violently, taking it as a personal attack, and so it's always a risky thing to do. That's an irrational way to react, though, and I wouldn't want to go through life expecting everyone to be irrational, just as I wouldn't want them to assume that of me. I suspect a lot of NTs consider it best never to correct anyone (unless the goal is to put them down), and therefore they also take every correction as an insult, but that's a terrible way to conduct a discussion if one wants to actually share information, so I'm reluctant to adopt that policy myself. Does that make any sense?

Being the logic thinker I can be, I prefer people to be upfront with their intentions. I know what my ex-band mate means, for instance, when he says, in regards to my writing, "You should join a writers group." To me, that's saying, "Don't bother me with your stupid writing because you can't write" even though my poems and short stories have been published in five magazines so far.

I'll take a stab at what I think it is, because my son does the same thing.

My son is always honest, truthful, and forthcoming in his communications. He erroneously assumes that others will be the same way. I think it has to do maybe with mindblindness. At any rate, I think it is related to his difficulty understanding the intentions of others.

I think I have a touch of this also, and yes, it can come off as gullibility and sometimes I get taken advantage of. Usually, after it happens, I confide in my friend that "I would never do that to someone else." And she will always say "I know that. And as I have told you hundreds of times before, everyone else is not like you and you need to stop acting as though they are."

I have this problem when the person:
1. wants me to believe the words (as in lying)
2. doesn't want me to believe the words (as in hinting)

Eg:

Instance 1. "Yes, that'll be great! I'll call you towards the weekend and we'll blah blah blah" (said repeatedly during years but never following through and never making the time to meet with me, unlike with their other friends)

Instance 2. "I'm in a hurry now, but I'll answer your question next time we meet." (said each time they don't want to discuss an issue, as a polite way to inform me that they don't want to talk about it)