Responding to death in partners family

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My partner seems to be upset with me over my lack of a response to his news that his step mothers mother is dying and his parents dog is also dying.
My attitude towards this kind of thing is it's a part of life and though its a difficult thing to go through it's kind of something that we expect to happen at some point. I didn't say this. I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something short like "Im sorry. Thats not good" and I didn't know what else to say. After I didn't say anything else he told me to just leave him alone (did he mean it? I have no idea).

Is it better to let him be or is there something that I should probably be doing in here that I'm not thinking of?

Not knowing your partner, it's hard to know if "leave me alone" means to leave him alone or not. I know that sounds confusing, but the fact that you are asking leads me to believe you know exactly what I am talking about.

It's hard for most people to know what to say about death, I think. I don't know if it would have been a better response than yours, but in that situation, I think I probably would have said "I'm sorry. How is your step mom doing? That's a lot to have going on at the same time." Unless your partner was close to his step-grandma (if that's what you'd call the person) and the dog, in which case I would have said "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you? That's a lot to have going on at the same time."

I don't know if this would help...but what about approaching him and saying "I didn't respond to your news the right way, did I? I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to say. What can I do to help? Do you want to talk?" Do you think that would help?

Yes thank you that helped

i am in a similar situation, my husbands little brother killed himself last night. he (the brother) had seemed fine, he had played and watched our kids for the afternoon and he seemed happy, it was his birthday. after my husband and his friend left it was just me and my kids and my brother-in law. i did call his mom when he started waving a gun around and she called the authority but they did not get there in time, I did get the kids out of there before anything happened but my husband got there before the police did and saw his brothers body and all. I am kind of alone dealing with the kids and there grief now as my husband is up with the family. i don't know what to do and i think the family might think i am cold for not reacting to the news like how i saw everyone else reacting. there was a bit more to things than what i can write but the general information is enough. i am not equipped to help anyone deal with this sort of thing even though i am the most clear headed and it is probably a good thing that i was the one there and not someone else who might have gotten themselves hurt trying to save him. does anyone with AS have any experience with something like this who can give me any kind of guidance. the it is a part of life feeling is exactly how i feel too but that seems to come across as cold to others. i don't mean to take away from the conversation as it stands, i just wish i could be more helpful to the person who started these posts and my own family.

@langers: I don't have experience with this specific kind of situation, I'm sorry I can't help in that regard. I do have quite a bit of experience dealing with other issues around mentally ill relatives and family crisis. I'm never sure what to say or how to be either. I tend to do what I do best. I support others during the crisis. I make sure that everyone who is hungry is fed/thirsty has a drink. I'm always up for cleaning or cooking or driving for people who need the help. I'm usually the most level headed so I end up making arrangements for things or sitting in on meetings with doctors.
It's important not to take anything personally during a difficult time like this. People will say nasty hurtful things out of displaced pain or fear. That's all it is, pain and fear.

The only time I've ever had a reaction to any death ever (other than a pet which always upsets me) is when my mom died and that nearly broke me. Otherwise deaths don't really cause much of an emotional reaction and they cause less the more distant they are.

I have an aunt who was like a grandmother to me. She died a couple of weeks ago and I had almost no reaction. My husband noticed and thought it was weird. I felt a little something because I know she was alone at the end because she had no kids and her husband died a year earlier. But nothing that lasted longer than a minute or two.

langers, I am so sorry. What a horrific thing to have experienced.

I don't know that I know what the right thing to say is. Maybe I can give some tips on things not to say? Because what I think usually happens is that people don't know what to say and to fill the empty space, stuff comes out of their mouths that his hurtful, but not intended to be. Here is what I wouldn't say (with the reason in parenthesis):

It was God's will (why does God allow horrific things to happen? Why did God will this for me and my family?)
It is a part of life (who cares? it doesn't help to know that everyone dies.)
At least his suffering ended (that does nothing to alleviate the suffering of those who are still living when the death was sudden and no one knew there was suffering)
Suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do (Yes. It is. How does that help?)
At least no one else was hurt (Everyone who loved him is hurt.)

Things that are rarely hurtful.

"I'm so sorry."
"I'm so sorry. Is there anything you need from me?"
"I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling. Please just know I am here for you. Let me know what you need."

Other random things: At this point, I would not force anyone to talk about it. But if someone starts talking about it, let them. You don't really have to say too much, just let them talk. Sometimes people just need to sit in silence and not be alone. This might actually be a time when your AS can be a gift. Most people that I know with AS are not troubled by silence. And it is during these times when one needs silence, but not to be alone, that many NT people screw up because they open their mouths. If you like to cook or bake, it is often helpful to bring food to those grieving. Something that can be frozen is great.

After some time has passed and depending upon how your husband felt toward his brother, you might consider doing something like planting a tree in your yard (if you have one) to remember him by. You can also name a star after someone. This would only be welcomed, however, if they had a positive relationship.

Lastly, be gentle to yourself. You witnessed a horrible thing. AS or not, you might have some trauma due to this. Don't neglect caring for yourself.

thanks, i will try to use the advice and i hope it also helps nerdymama with her situation.