Aspie and NT communication patterns

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Many communication difficulties result from differences in skill/knowledge profiles and interests. I think I've come up with a useful visualisation, elaborating the notion of a T shaped skill/knowledge profile. In the diagrams below, the total [area of] knowledge in both cases is the same; different brains are used in different ways.



Neurotypical knowledge profile and mode of communication
1. Intuitive social skills seem to be the native/first language, and social conformance is of similar importance as special interests are for Aspies.
2. Deep expertise can be expected in relation to a particular profession.
3. Knowledge of further domains is very broad and rather superficial.

Aspie knowledge profile and mode of communication
1. Special interests are the native/first language, and in some areas knowledge can be exceptionally deep.
2. Knowledge of further domains is less broad and deeper than neurotypical. We are very clear about what we understand and what we don't understand. In any domain we chose to learn about, we tend to quickly become familiar with all the different aspects that are relevant. There are some domains we can't be bothered with at all, because it would compromise the time available for our special interests or for advancing our understanding of other domains in adequate depth.
3. Intuitive social skills are minimal. Social conformance is not a major consideration. Others are treated as human peers, and not as people with specific social status and entitlements. We care a lot about others, but we are lousy at interpreting social cues in real time because of sensory overload, and hence may react in ways that are surprising to others.
4. Because human behaviour can be very puzzling, the topic can become a special interest – in in order to better understand observed behaviours, and to compensate for the lack of social intuition, especially once we are aware of the neurotypical preoccupation with social conformance.

Rules of thumb for NT-Aspie communication
1. Unless there is a shared interest, conversations can be boring for both sides. Avoid conversations without a clear purpose.
2. The neurotypical tendency to give weight to social "authority" rather than domain expertise is a potential source of disagreement for both sides. There is no substitute for mutual patience and tolerance. Some social rituals are unavoidable; and some depth of domain expertise is essential to avoid failure.
3. Small talk is only relevant to the NT and is largely wasted on the Aspie. Keep it short and simple when talking with an Aspie
4. Many details are only relevant to the Aspie and are largely wasted on the NT. Keep it short and simple when talking with an NT
5. Default neurotypical mode is verbal, default Aspie mode is often writing and artefact based. A white board discussion is a great communication bridge, at least in my case.

Are these observations compatible with your experience?

I have a question. Why is it when I'm asking important questions during a conversation with an Aspie, why do they all of a sudden leave and don't answer my questions? It makes me feel very unimportant and stupid.

OR I'll send an email with maybe 3-4 questions, but only 1-2 or maybe none will be answered. I keep wondering do they just don't want to answer or did they miss the questions? I don't get it. I don't like to bother people by asking questions more than once and I keep thinking is the question I asked too dumb?

Nurse Angela, I am one of the ASD people who wants to listen to what's important to someone else.

What are you interested in? ☺

Perhaps visual language helps to explain the differences and potential problems:



Between two NTs from the same cultural background there are many topics to talk about, usually at a level that an Aspie might consider as superficial small talk. The interaction serves the purpose of meeting the social needs of the NTs.



The room for mutually interesting conversations between an Aspie and an NT is limited if there is no shared interest in the profession of the NT (a domain that the NT knows a lot about). Furthermore the Aspie is lacking in intuitive, unconscious, and real time social processing capability, and therefore will not respond as expected to non verbal cues.



If however there is a shared domain of deep interest, then the conversation can work extremely well, and the Aspie has found an interface to the NT world.



Interactions between two Aspies are in many cases very enjoyable. This forum is a case in point



But due to the narrower knowledge profile of Aspies, there is also the possibility of complete disconnect between two Aspies.

Please note that the pictures above and the width and depth of the different boxes are illustrative only, such that reality is less black and white. Nevertheless, I think the scenarios outlined above explain a lot of the experiences that I've had.

Lastly, it is common for Aspies to develop a special interest in human behaviour. Below is an illustration of my special interests, which so far have been pretty useful for communicating with others, compensating for a lack in intuitive social skills.

The weather always works

That's one of my special interests, and it's supposed to be a "small-talk" topic.

If you think our "small-talk needs" are bad, check out some African cultures.

When two people greet each other in these, each person has to ask about the other person, plus their families. Sometimes ten questions or more. Sometimes more than five questions for each person. The whole greeting thing frequently takes more than five minutes.

Imagine if one person meet five other people? The one person has to ask about the families of the other people, plus they have to ask about the families of that one person. Very time-consuming.