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chris1989
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30 Dec 2018, 2:13 pm

I can't seem to get over this worry about the year ahead and being 30, I seem to feel that when you're that age or over you should stop having as much fun as you did in your 20s, you should behave more grown up (that does not mean I'm not grown in the 20s), settle down and think about life more seriously, and that I must find a partner soon and get my own place (even though I still don't want to because I don't want to live in a flat on my own) otherwise by 35 or 40 and over it's too late. I seem to think other people have achieved more in their 20s than I have and have right now a great life with a great boyfriend or girlfriend with a great job and career they've always wanted which I still haven't achieved, got a place of their own which I don't have, drive a car and a drive but only passed my test last year at 28 and I feel that I am less of a man because I've been lacking those things. It frustrates me and I don't if I'm self imposing pressure on myself and that I shouldn't and trying too hard to compare myself to others, my dad told me that I ought to think about it being a bit more independent. He is aware I have Asperger's but not very severe as some other people.
What does an adult person who is 30 or over 30 do differently that someone under 30 does ?
Its though I must stop doing something over 30 because you're too old to be still doing it than someone under 30.
It feels like 'what have I done with my life already?'
I seem to even feel slightly jealous of my sister who is 25, who works, has been a relationship and so on and that she still has another 4 years to enjoy life until 30. I am not depressed as I am still able to go and do stuff every day I just get very frustrated and upset that I don't meet or haven't met certain societal expectations. :(



tentoedsloth
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30 Dec 2018, 3:46 pm

Until somebody with more to say comes along:

Should??? Ought??? Well, you already know that those are self-defeating, mostly meaningless ideas.

30 years old doesn't mean anything much. You just have this gloomy train of thoughts that you're riding for the moment. We pretty much all get on it sometimes. May you get off soon and back to pursuing the best life you can make with the circumstances you have to deal with, not all of them so good, I realize.


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Raleigh
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30 Dec 2018, 3:58 pm

I'm over 30 and I don't really do anything differently than before.
If you want to dwell on it and make it a big thing, that's your choice, but I don't see how it's helpful in any way.
There isn't an age where having fun is no longer considered appropriate, fun is ageless, it may just be a different type of fun than you had in your 20s but if it's the same, who cares?
I'm not going to stop enjoying myself over fear of the 'fun police'.


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SadPhD
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30 Dec 2018, 4:38 pm

Age is just a number. That's it. We don't magically acquire abilities, talents, or habits just because we hit a certain number.

You seem to have a lot of "shoulds" about this stuff. A lot of us do - not just autistics, but NTs too.

One of the best books I read this year was "The Crossroads of Should and Must," by elle luna. (I recommend getting it in hardcover, if you can. It's an image-heavy book and doesn't work so well on an e-reader.)

Here's an exercise from the book that may help some with the shoulds you're dealing with.

Look at each "should." Ask it these three questions:
1. Where did you come from?
2. Are you true for me?
3. Do I want to keep holding on to you?

I've used this, and it's helped me. For example: "I should own a house because I'm in my mid-40s. Only losers are still renting their homes at that age." I've carried that around for years until I read her book. Here's how I approached that belief with luna's exercise.

I should own a house because I'm in my mid-40s. Only losers are still renting their homes at that age.

1. Where did you come from? Well, this belief came from society. It also came from my parents, who had purchased a home before I was born (they were in their 20s). It also came from growing up in a world where most people who were "growups" owned their homes. I didn't know what apartments were until I had to live in one in my early 20s.

2. Are you true for me? Categorically not. Most of my friends are renters, not homeowners. Socially and economically, owning a home is increasingly something that only rich people can do in today's world. I'm not rich (and I have no desire to be, really). Renting a home is fine. I love my apartment and I've been in it for more than five years. I'm not a loser just because I rent.

3. Do I want to keep holding on to you? No. I do not. All you do is make me feel bad.

So I chucked that belief. If I own a home someday, it will be because I chose to, not because some "should" demanded that I do it.

This can be scary, but it can also be freeing. Try this exercise on your shoulds, and see what happens.


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Prometheus18
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30 Dec 2018, 4:47 pm

I think you need to develop your own standards rather than accepting those of others unquestioningly. If, according to your own standards, you're a failure, then think so, but don't just allow yourself to believe it because it forms part of received opinion.

But whether you're a failure or not, it doesn't mean you have to continue being one.



starkid
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30 Dec 2018, 4:53 pm

Distract yourself by simply living your life: enjoying your hobbies, going to work/school/volunteer positions (or looking for them), building relationships, exercising, trying new things, etc.

Just keep living your life and letting things happen to you and you won't have room in your mind for such thoughts. When the thought comes to you, just go do something. You can acknowledge the thought, but you don't have to focus on it and indulge it. Just don't pay any attention to it, don't treat it like it's important.

On the other hand, if there is some specific underlying reason for this concern, you should address that. If, for example, you are dissatisfied with what you've accomplished in life so far, get busy accomplishing what you want to do. That should help the thoughts go away.



MrsPeel
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30 Dec 2018, 6:28 pm

There are as many ways to live your life as there are people in the world.
As someone with AS the path that satisfies your needs may be far from societal 'norm' and that's perfectly fine.



colossalfailure
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30 Dec 2018, 7:23 pm

chris1989 wrote:
I can't seem to get over this worry about the year ahead and being 30, I seem to feel that when you're that age or over you should stop having as much fun as you did in your 20s, you should behave more grown up (that does not mean I'm not grown in the 20s), settle down and think about life more seriously, and that I must find a partner soon and get my own place (even though I still don't want to because I don't want to live in a flat on my own) otherwise by 35 or 40 and over it's too late. I seem to think other people have achieved more in their 20s than I have and have right now a great life with a great boyfriend or girlfriend with a great job and career they've always wanted which I still haven't achieved, got a place of their own which I don't have, drive a car and a drive but only passed my test last year at 28 and I feel that I am less of a man because I've been lacking those things. It frustrates me and I don't if I'm self imposing pressure on myself and that I shouldn't and trying too hard to compare myself to others, my dad told me that I ought to think about it being a bit more independent. He is aware I have Asperger's but not very severe as some other people.
What does an adult person who is 30 or over 30 do differently that someone under 30 does ?
Its though I must stop doing something over 30 because you're too old to be still doing it than someone under 30.
It feels like 'what have I done with my life already?'
I seem to even feel slightly jealous of my sister who is 25, who works, has been a relationship and so on and that she still has another 4 years to enjoy life until 30. I am not depressed as I am still able to go and do stuff every day I just get very frustrated and upset that I don't meet or haven't met certain societal expectations. :(



I know how you feel man Im in the same spot but a bit younger, tbh Ill be brutally honest:

Everything you said is true. Life in your 30s is supposed to get easier because you finally have a gf that you can settle with and a nice job that provides you with a stable source of income. However you have to remember that were not NT so you have to remember that our lives will never be like that, I guess you could argue that then we should not be judged by the same standards but that would be just coping

I pretty much dont care, I have accepted that Im a failure and when somebody calls me a loser I just accept it - cant do anything about it, its out of my hands, our lives dont even start to compare to those of young rich youtubers who have it all and as much as I hate it I cant do anything about it