Aspies are lacking in emotional attachment? A few thoughts.

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UnLoser
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03 May 2012, 10:05 pm

It's generally accepted that Aspies have a more difficult time forming emotional bonds and attachments with people(I think). For me, personally, I know I'm capable of forming close bonds, but perhaps not to the extent that NT's do.

Although I love them, I think I probably wouldn't cry if one my parents were to die. It's not like I can know exactly how I'll feel when the time eventually comes, but that's the feeling I have. Does that mean I'm less emotionally attached to them?

Also, I can't say that I've ever really had a crush. I certainly have been attracted to some girls, but I've never felt the attachment that goes with a "crush". The funny thing is, I've had a couple crushes on fictional characters. I wonder if this is simply the result of me being isolated and not really getting to know any real girls, or if this means that I have a reduced tendency for emotional attachment to people in general(but somehow don't have the same problem with fictional characters).

Anyone have any thoughts, stories, experiences, etc?



MiatheMutant
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03 May 2012, 10:15 pm

I agree with just about every part of your post. I can't really say that I would all that upset about family or friend deaths, either. However, I can get really emotional over characters in books or movies I've become attached to if they get hurt or killed. I don't know if it's because the characters have never judged or offended me or what it is, but I've wondered about this quite a bit myself.

For example, a guy I was acquainted with in high school accidentally murdered another student and later that day committed suicide, but I didn't get upset about it. At all. On the other hand, when J.K. Rowling killed off Dumbledore I was a sobbing, mourning mess for about three days. It's odd. :?


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Luci
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03 May 2012, 10:26 pm

UnLoser wrote:
Although I love them, I think I probably wouldn't cry if one my parents were to die. It's not like I can know exactly how I'll feel when the time eventually comes, but that's the feeling I have. Does that mean I'm less emotionally attached to them?


Something I also wonder right now...My grandfather is very sick and likely will die quite soon. I like him, but for some reason I haven't felt sad or worried or anything at all. I wonder if I will when he actually dies. No way I can really know.

UnLoser wrote:
Also, I can't say that I've ever really had a crush. I certainly have been attracted to some girls, but I've never felt the attachment that goes with a "crush". The funny thing is, I've had a couple crushes on fictional characters. I wonder if this is simply the result of me being isolated and not really getting to know any real girls, or if this means that I have a reduced tendency for emotional attachment to people in general(but somehow don't have the same problem with fictional characters).


I've never had any crushes either...
Or...well...I think I just very recently now did develop one, and it's towards a fictional character (and not even a human, an alien). I've had many favorite fictional characters that I've obsessed over, but this is very...different...
I am so ashamed of it, as I had previously been (I know it's ridiculous and makes no sense) somewhat proud of not having had any (though I did not express that, hah). I'm not sure it's a crush, but I think it might be. The heck, I don't even find him good-looking, not really. Just kind of...adorable. Interesting,
Awful. Just awful. I just wish I could observe him, perhaps talk to him, embrace him :bounce: no sex though, still not into that.

A bit related. When I see an attractive person what I feel is not wanting to -be with- them, but to -be- them.

MiatheMutant wrote:
For example, a guy I was acquainted with in high school accidentally murdered another student and later that day committed suicide, but I didn't get upset about it. At all. On the other hand, when J.K. Rowling killed off Dumbledore I was a sobbing, mourning mess for about three days. It's odd. :?


Gahh, somewhat related - I can't feel sympathy for actual people. But for some reason I can for fictional ones. I don't get it.
An example - it's a little harder for me to be selfish in a video game than it is in real life. Not that it's hard then, but I'll feel sorry for some people. Depends a lot on how likable those people are to me, though.



redrobin62
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03 May 2012, 10:38 pm

I guess that's why they say Mr. Spock is like an aspie - un-emotionless. A few years ago my sister called me and told me our father had died. I didn't say a word. Then she said, "Thought you'd just like to know," then hung up. I casually went back to whatever I was doing before the interruption. (He was a bastard anyway so I couldn't care less).

By contrast, I've seen three movies where I became teary eyed: City Of Hope, Sarafina, and Set It Off. This is probably an aspie trait (unless my life was so hard growing up that I can't feel emotions anymore).



MiatheMutant
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03 May 2012, 10:39 pm

I obsess with certain characters. A lot. When I can't spend time reading about them in books or online, or watching the shows or movies they were in, I'll write about them or think up dialogue or plotlines for them constantly. I roleplay as others in my head when I'm bored, or I'll try to handle social situations like I think they would. (That actually works surprisingly well at keeping the NTs at bay.) On the other hand, real people are nowhere near as interesting and I can't manipulate what they think, say, or do. As a result, being as touchy as I am, they end up making me angry or saying something I find rude or annoying and I end up retreating back into my lovely little world with my favorite characters again.

Maybe if I spent that much time with a real person I would be upset if they were hurt...


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zombiegirl2010
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03 May 2012, 11:37 pm

I agree with the the OP's thought that he doesn't think that he will get upset if his parent(s) pass. I have thought the same thing many times. When I think about the possibility of someone in my life dying, my first and only thoughts are...how will this affect my life? Will this inconvenience me in any way? Then, I feel bad about the fact that that is my only real concern about it. :/ I guess that's just my honest take on it, and I can't really apologize for that I suppose.

I do have a hard time getting really attached to people & animals. However, I do love my gf. I have analyzed it to death, and I do. I still find that I do the above when the thought that she is a good bit older than myself, and will more than likely go before me. *shrug*



MrBackward
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04 May 2012, 12:55 am

So I do have trouble making bonds with people, for example before I can call somebody my friend they have to pass my own personal definiton of what a friend is.
Mt dad died last year and I didn't cry, in fact all the people that were sad annoyed me.
As for the crush part I cant really determine what I do feel towards the girls I like.... it could be that I have a crush on them, it could be that I simply find them interesting and want to get to know them better in a friend type way or perhaps I just want to have a little fun with them ;)
I do occationally feel something for fictional characters but I dont think its ever a crush, just someone/thing to identify with that has no chance of ever rejecting me.
I too have trouble feeling sympathy for people, for me most choices come down to will this inconvenience me or which path will benefit me most.
That does sound selfish.....



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04 May 2012, 1:01 am

MrBackward wrote:
I too have trouble feeling sympathy for people, for me most choices come down to will this inconvenience me or which path will benefit me most.
That does sound selfish.....


Nothing wrong with being selfish, IMO. It's only sensible.
Though of course, if -everyone- was too selfish, it'd be difficult for some things to function.
But you're not everyone. You're just one person. Unless you have a lot of influence over other people.



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04 May 2012, 2:25 am

I guess it's more of a case of how bad your experiences have been and how badly you experienced let downs in your life.

I think I can generally form those bonds, but not keep them up according to social convention.


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04 May 2012, 3:22 am

I get emotionally attached to ideas, objects, particular activities, and pets.

People too, but not as much.



rebbieh
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04 May 2012, 3:29 am

Okay, so am I the only one who cries when people I'm close to die? I'm not officially diagnosed but it's quite likely I have AS (in the process of finding it out). My granddad has cancer and they don't know how long he's got left. I feel very worried at times. When I found out about it I cried. But sometimes I don't even think about it. Point is, I cried.



Verdandi
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04 May 2012, 3:37 am

rebbieh wrote:
Okay, so am I the only one who cries when people I'm close to die? I'm not officially diagnosed but it's quite likely I have AS (in the process of finding it out). My granddad has cancer and they don't know how long he's got left. I feel very worried at times. When I found out about it I cried. But sometimes I don't even think about it. Point is, I cried.


I haven't cried when people died. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me about that, especially as losing a pet makes me completely fall apart.



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04 May 2012, 3:51 am

Luci wrote:
MrBackward wrote:
I too have trouble feeling sympathy for people, for me most choices come down to will this inconvenience me or which path will benefit me most.
That does sound selfish.....


Nothing wrong with being selfish, IMO. It's only sensible.
Though of course, if -everyone- was too selfish, it'd be difficult for some things to function.
But you're not everyone. You're just one person. Unless you have a lot of influence over other people.

This topic is going to become a special interest soon, I believe ... i've been known to rage and lose my temper over it, in "we are emotional people ! !!" mode, especially when an aspie starts wondering if they might have NPD. I thought it was absolutely incompatible until recently , I have changed my mind, to the point where I wonder where it's coming from and if it is innate or acquired .
I've read this article http://www.sociopathworld.com/2009/02/d ... pathy.html and it does make me wonder if we are THAT unrelated . I know what I'm saying is far from politically correct , and I know how sociopaths would gladly use this to claim we are "the same ", and try to get a ride on the neurodiversity movement .
But I can't deny the fact that what "mrBacward" said is what I've always felt, even as a child. " X family member just died? huh oh, does that mean we're not spending christmas there next year? where will it be then ? "
I didn't cry when my father died. I still miss him 10 years later . But is it for unselfish reasons ? Honestly : no.



rebbieh
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04 May 2012, 3:55 am

Verdandi wrote:
rebbieh wrote:
Okay, so am I the only one who cries when people I'm close to die? I'm not officially diagnosed but it's quite likely I have AS (in the process of finding it out). My granddad has cancer and they don't know how long he's got left. I feel very worried at times. When I found out about it I cried. But sometimes I don't even think about it. Point is, I cried.


I haven't cried when people died. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me about that, especially as losing a pet makes me completely fall apart.


People have died and I've been to funerals where I haven't cried. But as soon as it's about people I'm very close to (family) it's different.



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04 May 2012, 4:42 am

rebbieh wrote:
Verdandi wrote:
rebbieh wrote:
Okay, so am I the only one who cries when people I'm close to die? I'm not officially diagnosed but it's quite likely I have AS (in the process of finding it out). My granddad has cancer and they don't know how long he's got left. I feel very worried at times. When I found out about it I cried. But sometimes I don't even think about it. Point is, I cried.


I haven't cried when people died. I used to feel like there was something wrong with me about that, especially as losing a pet makes me completely fall apart.


People have died and I've been to funerals where I haven't cried. But as soon as it's about people I'm very close to (family) it's different.


I was only talking about family. One of my foster sisters was murdered when I was in high school, and I would say that she was one of my favorite people. My grandparents, all four of them, eventually. I didn't cry. I didn't really feel anything that I could identify, but I will say I didn't feel good about it. I am sure all of these affected me, but I can't explain how I did feel, because I didn't understand it.

Pets, though? Great big sobbing hysterics, that's me.



bnky
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04 May 2012, 7:22 am

emotional attachment...
I still get upset thinking about my favourite t-shirt that was stolen around about the time my father died
:?