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Jamesy
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30 Aug 2012, 8:35 am

I am going through one of these awkward phases in my life were a lot of people dislike me even though i have done nothing bad.

why is that a lot of people dislike people like with our condition without even knowing we have it? What signals do we give off too non autistic people that makes them despise so much?



GiantHockeyFan
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30 Aug 2012, 8:44 am

The only thing I can think of is that I can sometimes come across initially as a snob because of my strong vocabulary, quiet demeanor, inability to allow things to be done wrong (which can be seen as either arrogance or whining) and my direct to the point speech that probably scares people since they are not used to it. That combined with my height means many make unfair assumptions about me without spending 5 minutes to get to know me.



EstherJ
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30 Aug 2012, 9:49 am

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
The only thing I can think of is that I can sometimes come across initially as a snob because of my strong vocabulary, quiet demeanor, inability to allow things to be done wrong (which can be seen as either arrogance or whining) and my direct to the point speech that probably scares people since they are not used to it. That combined with my height means many make unfair assumptions about me without spending 5 minutes to get to know me.


Or a snob to be ignored, which is the case because of my short height. I agree.



CyclopsSummers
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30 Aug 2012, 10:03 am

Jamesy wrote:
I am going through one of these awkward phases in my life were a lot of people dislike me even though i have done nothing bad.

why is that a lot of people dislike people like with our condition without even knowing we have it? What signals do we give off too non autistic people that makes them despise so much?


Jamesy, speaking for myself, I think people are primarily put off by me because I come across as aloof. In general, I just don't socialise quite as easily as most people, so I end up standing to the side, not talking much. and people view this as me being non-sociable (which is true) and, since they can't just deduce that it's mostly out of inability on my part, they assume that I do it on purpose, out of unwillingness to socialise.

Furthermore, I may come across as rude, because I say some things quite bluntly, where other people embellish whatever they want to say with euphemisms.

So, to sum it up, people view me as aloof and rude. Which is understandable, when they're not aware of my autism.

EDIT: you mentioned 'signals', and I believe that we also send off the 'wrong' body language, which is misinterpreted again by people who can read body language.


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TheSunAlsoRises
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30 Aug 2012, 10:05 am

I think you may get to a point where you don't worry about it (as much); many never do.

To simply put it: Just about everything from negotiations to making friends is based on socialization as defined and practiced by non-Autistics. Quite a few people, who do not behave in a way in which society considers acceptable, are met with some sort of censorship. This happens regardless of neurology.

The reasons and factors may be too numerous to list. You want be liked by everyone, you may not be liked by most BUT you need to become comfortable in who you are, NO matter WHAT.


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chiastic_slide
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30 Aug 2012, 10:44 am

Also based on aloofness - calmness, disinterest and nonpresence, what some people call 'away with the faeries'
Sometimes condescending, a co-worker of mine called me 'smart alec' before. This is not intentional, I just state the obvious sometimes when explaining. Mostly calmness - I think even when I'm stressed my voice doesn't portray it much.



TheSunAlsoRises
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30 Aug 2012, 10:46 am

Also, people are afraid of what they don't understand.

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hyksos55
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30 Aug 2012, 10:56 am

I’d be happy if I could just understand what messages others are giving off.

I’m like “What the devil was that all about.” after interacting with others, usually against my will.


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TheSunAlsoRises
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30 Aug 2012, 11:10 am

hyksos55 wrote:
I’d be happy if I could just understand what messages others are giving off.

I’m like “What the devil was that all about.” after interacting with others, usually against my will.


The father of modern day child psychology stated : infants fabricate before they tell the truth.

The fundamental mechanisms involved in the development of socialization, a social mind if you will, makes duplicity in interacting with others highly possible for a large population of folks. :lol:


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30 Aug 2012, 11:46 am

Lot's of reasons. We may come off as:

Arrogant
Rude
Showing off
Bragging
Conceited
Jerk
Annoying
Uncaring
Provocative
Dumb
Slow
Mean
Aloof
Shy
Thinking we are better than others


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30 Aug 2012, 11:54 am

That's a good summary. I find it interesting how I can be perceived both as wimpy and arrogant, slow and holier-than-thou, dumb and smart, too quiet and a showoff, cruel and a whiner and both uncaring and over sensitive all at the same time!

To further add to my confusion, I've only recently realized that I give off a very confident, arrogant vibe at work when I literally thought it was the opposite. I also thought I was seen as a wimp by women but I've been told I come across as a bit intimidating due to my large, fit frame.



TheSunAlsoRises
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30 Aug 2012, 12:31 pm

League_Girl wrote:
Lot's of reasons. We may come off as:

Arrogant
Rude
Showing off
Bragging
Conceited
Jerk
Annoying
Uncaring
Provocative
Dumb
Slow
Mean
Aloof
Shy
Thinking we are better than others


Pizarra en Blanco: Blank Slate.

People don't come with a Blank Slate, and thus may project their negative life experiences and/or prejudices on to U.

It may NOT be U, at-least not entirely U.

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CanisMajor
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30 Aug 2012, 12:39 pm

I wish I knew the answer to that question. That's something that's been bothering me a lot lately (since I'm going back to school this week and I want to make good impressions.) I know from when I was in high school, as well as from jobs, that I definitely give off some kind of "don't come near me/don't invite me to things" vibe. I wish I could see it from the outside, or at least, be told EXACTLY what it is that I do/say (or the way I do/say things, since that's more likely to be the problem) that gives people that impression. I fear that whatever it is we do, it's some sort of subtle cue that, even if we watched videos of ourselves, we wouldn't see ourselves doing anything wrong. I want to be able to control this problem, so people will happily approach me when I want them to, the way that they happily approach each other...



TheSunAlsoRises
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30 Aug 2012, 12:40 pm

There is much YET to be explored and learned about the brain, neurology, and human psyche, period.

Changes through out history probably effects all of the above. What was standard is no longer standard, what was acceptable is unacceptable, and the way in which things are done require different skill sets, adaption, and neural mechanisms.

The standard stands standard for a certain standard of people in time.

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League_Girl
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30 Aug 2012, 12:41 pm

True, it may be just them. hard to tell as an aspie though about who is right or wrong. I have noticed on there that we either think we are always doing something wrong or other people are always wrong. We either blame others or ourselves. I am sure some of us go back and forth between the two like I do. It wouldn't make sense to always blame my problems on others and also accept the fact I have AS because I would mind as well be in denial about it if I always think it's other people with the problem. I know it can be both. It can be you and them. You because of your issues and them because of their lack of understanding and them refusing to work with you to make it easier for you.


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Joe90
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30 Aug 2012, 12:42 pm

I seem to give off bad signals to strangers, because I find myself being stared at a lot, and get funny looks whatever I do, even if I do things the ''conformist style''. Also people feel free to jostle me, make me feel belittled and make me wonder if they're proud of themselves. But when I'm meeting people for the first time (say, my first day at a volunteer job), people like me right away. The manager at my volunteer job has even said that she's proud of me, and says I am good to work with too, and people like sitting with me at lunch (and we can choose to have lunch when we want, so it's not like they have to sit with me). I give off good vibes to people I talk to, but bad vibes to strangers.


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