Is it rude to ask if he has Aspergers?

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TheSunAlsoRises
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01 Sep 2012, 10:26 pm

Welllllll, ya know, some people react differently.............

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zrHaf6ii0U[/youtube]

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Inlove778
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01 Sep 2012, 10:33 pm

So true...well I think my best approach is to keep reading about aspergers and continue to approach the relationship based on what I learn. Regardless, I want to have a relationship with him. Hopefully in time we can learn to understand each other and trust each other. I have to be patient.



TheSunAlsoRises
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01 Sep 2012, 10:38 pm

Inlove778 wrote:
So true...well I think my best approach is to keep reading about aspergers and continue to approach the relationship based on what I learn. Regardless, I want to have a relationship with him. Hopefully in time we can learn to understand each other and trust each other. I have to be patient.


You sound like a very wise woman. He is a lucky man.

Good Luck,

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cherrycoke
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02 Sep 2012, 2:29 am

This is one of my great dilemmas in life. I can't win either way. I have never told a girlfriend I had aspergers ever. But now I'm older and the types of relationships people expect at this age are serious ones (kids and so forth). I wouldn't be able to tell her I had aspergers and would want to leave because of the guilt, yet if I did tell her, I'd leave anyway as I have done to everyone who knew I had aspergers in my life.

I'm not one of those "you wouldn't know he has aspergers unless you live with him" types, even my psychiatrists/GP's/social workers/other autism specialists disagree on whether I have it. So if I decided to never tell and live with the guilt, I could get away with it. Only, there are others in my life who are gifted with the combination of having a big mouth, the philosophical belief that my confidential medical records are theirs for making public at will and armed with the knowledge I have aspergers. So she would eventually find out years into the relationship and leave me for being a liar all those years.

Yep, staying single it is..



BrokenBill
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02 Sep 2012, 3:09 am

If someone asked me a personal question without warning I would tend to shut down as I don't like suprise questions.
If you decide to ask, can I suggest you warn him of the question first.

Like
"Do you mind if I ask a question about you, about the way you act around me?"
Then get to the point and ask outright.


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Wandering_Stranger
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02 Sep 2012, 4:48 am

It depends how you go about it. I once had someone (who I do not know) ask me if I have Autism. This was before I was diagnosed and I had no idea how to respond.

It probably wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't the first question she asked me.



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02 Sep 2012, 10:09 am

cherrycoke wrote:
This is one of my great dilemmas in life. I can't win either way. I have never told a girlfriend I had aspergers ever. But now I'm older and the types of relationships people expect at this age are serious ones (kids and so forth). I wouldn't be able to tell her I had aspergers and would want to leave because of the guilt, yet if I did tell her, I'd leave anyway as I have done to everyone who knew I had aspergers in my life.


May I ask why? Of course, you do not need to answer if you don't want to.


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Inlove778
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02 Sep 2012, 2:55 pm

The more I read these posts and educate myself about aspergers, I always come to one conclusion. I wouldn't leave if a man told me he had aspergers. I might leave if I can't find common grounds with a man or if he isn't giving me the emotional support that I need, unless there is a very good reason behind it such as aspergers.I am lucky to have read about aspergers previous to meeting this man. But most people may not have a clue therefor going through the relationship not communicating properly. If we know what we are dealing with then we can teach and learn from each other. If a person leaves just because you told them about your aspergers then guaranteed they weren't worth having around anyways. Don't let one bad experience dictate all future ones...I know it's much easier said then done:-(



elf_1half
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02 Sep 2012, 2:56 pm

To the OP, either way he is shy and has social difficulties, what difference would knowing it was AS over shyness/social anxiety make? Would you think of him or treat him any differently? Personally I think if he didn't tell you himself then he probably either a)doesn't want you to know or b) isn't ready to tell you. Many people view a diagnosis as private, asking out of the blue can seem nosy and also that you are implying he made some sort of social mistake (and even if he did that can still be hurtful).

If you really want to know I'd recommend casually bringing aspergers into the conversation, maybe saying something like, "I just read this book, it's about a person with AS," and briefly discussing it, if he's diagnosed with AS and wants to share with you he probably will, if he doesn't you could probably take that as an indication he doesn't want to share or doesn't have it.



Inlove778
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02 Sep 2012, 3:15 pm

I think in my case its not so much me wanting to know as much as I want him to know that I know and that it is ok. I want to move past this and I want to learn from him what he needs from me etc....



elf_1half
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02 Sep 2012, 3:29 pm

Inlove778 wrote:
I think in my case its not so much me wanting to know as much as I want him to know that I know and that it is ok. I want to move past this and I want to learn from him what he needs from me etc....


Sorry if I was unclear, my post was directed to the first poster (OP) who wanted to ask someone she was getting to know. If you are in a close relationship with someone that's a different situation and you should know if he has aspergers or not.



Inlove778
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02 Sep 2012, 3:36 pm

Sorry lol I'm new at this. Somehow I manage to make everything about me lol just kidding. Good insight though.



Joe90
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02 Sep 2012, 3:47 pm

I don't think it's rude exactly, but some people on the spectrum don't like to talk about it and so might make them feel awkward if they are suddenly asked. I feel the same, I hate talking about it to other people, I am good enough at hiding it and will suddenly become paranoid if I was asked about having AS and thinking ''OK I must be doing something to make my condition that obvious then''. I've never been asked if I had AS, so I don't know what it's like but I know I won't like it.

I am no good at defining other Aspies who are as good at hiding it as me. I've often been curious, but I know that there are other conditions that can make one socially awkward to a degree, so there's not always one concrete answer as to why one person might be socially awkward. It could be because of all sorts of personal reasons.


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