Lack of Deep Discussion Among NTs?

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Something that has struck me about NTs at least the ones that I've been around, is there love of talking about what I term as social fluff. Or at least the autistic part of me does. Things like talking about their families / work life etc. I noticed that when they talk about these subjects they never go very deep into them they stay at the surface when so many fascinating questions/things could be posed.

I have attendants/ due to chronic pain and my autism plus other mental health issues. I often find myself asking questions about their family to get them to go deeper than just the surface level. I'll ask them where they grew up. And things of this sort. But even though I asked these questions the responses I get are again surface level just the name of the city for example.What my autistic brain wants wants is more meat on the bone so to speak. What was their favorite part of their city as a young person do they have a favorite Park why did they like that Park etc for example. I think what I'm missing in this is that I have to specifically ask these questions the NT brain does not automatically assume that asking where you grew up means I want you a big info dump on what you're passionate as far as where you grew up. But that's actually exactly what I'm looking for and one of the things I crave in conversation with NTs.

I'm often frustrated by the fact but I have to ask very specific questions to elicit those types of answers. Or at least it seems that way. Being curious and asking these questions does not come naturally to me I think this is both my autism and some childhood trauma / medical trauma from infancy combined. I've been in therapy and I'm a lot more emotionally comfortable around adults than I used to be. But that doesn't mean that I'm not autistic and the social dance still eludes me.

I also find that when I have rich deep conversations with people it helps me trust them. I feel more bonded to them and a sense of pleasure and having a rich conversation.

I often find I'm way too open, at least around people who I don't anticipate will get upset with me for openness (I judge this wrong frequently), and I know what you mean.

I usually take the initiative and open up when asked questions like that in hopes the other person will be reciprocal, but half the time I get a reaction more along the lines of "dude, I just wanted to know what town you come from, that's all."

I love people. I want to know more about you. I don't want to know what you think I want to know about you.

In your case, it may be that the attendant wants to keep a professional distance (???). It's a matter of trust, and it can take some people years to develop a level of trust or friendship to discuss what might be personal to them. I wouldn't say everyone is like that. Any time I type "(???)" it means I cannot say this is the factual truth. It is just a notion.

When I was younger, my twenties, I went through a period where I tried my best to be open and communicate with people because I thought the more people understand about one another, the better chance for people to be accepting and get along. I held on to that belief for a long time. I began to understand for something like that to work, everyone needs to know what you're doing. Otherwise, I'm just doing something out of the norm. Some people don't want to reveal too much about themselves, or reveal how much they know or don't know. They don't want people to see their flaws, actual or perceived. They may hold back because of shame or modesty.

I can say with certainty that people are taught when someone asks "how are you doing?" that they really don't expect a detailed and totally honest response. I always found this peculiar, but I understand.

Some people will be rude and cut off the conversation.
Some people will try to be polite while having the metaphorical "deer in the headlights" look. I sometimes get that look when someone approaches me, even if it is not in reality, like a game.
Some people will try to converse the best they can, although they may not be as interested in the topic. I've found some people will try to gain some knowledge and all I can say is "bless their hearts" because I'm sure I'm can be a bore to listen to, if they can get me talking. That was something that took me a long time to realize.
Some people will converse and seem to know a little to a lot about everything. The flip side are people who do this and are flat out wrong, and will eventually change the subject to something he knows about.
Some people will smile and nod and I can tell by their look that they are wondering "Why are you telling me this?"

The only thing here I know is absolutely true is say we're taught that when someone asks "How are you doing?" You are expected to say "fine" or maybe a very, very brief summation of what ails you. "I have a cold. How are you?" They are not interested in how much phlegm I'm coughing up or now much mucus I'm filling my my rags with from blowing my nose. Now if they come back and ask about my cold? That's another story. They've just invited the vampire in. *


*A reference to the idea that a vampire must be invited into a persons house before they can enter.

This is very common for NT's.

In short, NT brains are typically wired to summarise things, particularly in speech, but that even extends to text unless a situation demands lengthy detail, such as academia related instances.

ND brains are more likely to elaborate and go into detail, often to the expense of others since the attention of others isn't always as available for deep information from someone who isn't close to them.

It's just how things are.

Yes we tend to go for more in-depth stuff than NTs do, so NTs are likely to come over as disappointingly shallow.

OTOH, the relationships between people aren't always immediately very close, and that's reflected in the type of conversation they will have together. Outer-circle relationships have little depth to them as a rule. And we may have trouble with that difference. I never really came to terms with the fact that the human race isn't like one big happy family. This is how I put it in a song I wrote a few decades ago:
Hello again, it's nice today
And you hope the clouds will stay away
And that's as deep as you want to go
Why is it always so?
If only you knew me
We could share the weight of fear
Why does everybody say
The sentences nobody wants to hear?

The shallowness of small talk has been noted and criticised before, e.g. Anthony Trollope in 1855:
When one Esquimau meets another, do the two, as an invariable rule,
ask after each other's health? is it inherent in all human nature to
make this obliging inquiry? Did any reader of this tale ever meet
any friend or acquaintance without asking some such question, and did
anyone ever listen to the reply?

I get this thread..... nice to see similiar thoughts in Words ...

I can kind of understand it personally, because I usually need fairly specific questions to know what someone is really asking me. For example, when someone says "tell me about yourself" I have absolutely no idea how to respond to that because of how vague it is, so I would just give very basic surface level stuff; I'm never really sure what they want to know aside from my name and age. I'd need something like "what sorts of things did you study in school?" or something to be able to give a more in-depth answer because then I'd understand what exactly they want to know. Though, there's also the fact that I tend to cut myself off because I assume no one really cares or wants to hear specific information about me so I would guess a fair amount of NT people probably feel that way too maybe?
At the same time as all of this, I find it difficult to properly and specifically communicate what I want/need from someone, so I'm a bit of a living contradiction lol.

I have a friend who is NT and we have deep conversations about our thoughts, experiences, and ideas. He is a curious person who wants to know and get to know other people. Maybe it just depends on the person. But I agree that I have found this to be somewhat unusual.

I don't know, though, the people I know, even if I don't know them well, tend to talk about real things that matter. I usually find that only people I don't know (but somehow come across, like at event where you might strike up conversation with someone random) talk about things like where to find a good dog groomer or what kind of wine they like, and I usually can't relate to people who are like that and tend to not really converse with them, so I guess it's mutual: they don't really want to talk to me and I don't really want to talk to them.

I have found that I have the tendency to have long conversations with unhoused people when I am waiting for the bus.