Writing a list of AS tips

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Hi everyone,

I'm a young diagnosed aspergian. I'm willing to write a comprehensive list of AS tips and to post it online for free afterwards. To do so, I would like to not only include my own ideas and experiences, but also yours. If you have any tips that work for you (to improve your quality of life, decrease your level of stress, or anything else) or experiences to share (things that happened to you, things you obsessed about, examples of social faux pas, etc.) and are willing to share, I would be most grateful.

You can contact me by MP and I can then give you my e-mail address, or we can chat on MSN or something like that.
Anonymity will of course be respected.

Thanks in advance to those who will help me.

- Looking in someone's general direction, but not STRAIGHT into the eyes, passes for eye contact 99 times out of 100. The remaining one time, the person is a dick.

- Try to find the REASONING behind social rules you learn about, so it will stick better AND you will be more willing to follow them. It was lack of reasoning WHY the rules were there that made me refuse to believe a lot of attempts to teach me for the longest time.

- Disclosing Asperger's/autism to everyone can do more harm than good, since so many people have warped ideas about what it really is. Specific sensory issues and difficulties have worked much better in my experience.

- Pick your battles regarding trying to look "normal." Find the few things people think are the "weirdest" and work on them, while letting lesser "weirdness" slide so you're not overwhelmed trying to do it all at once. Then once you break a habit or two try another, etc. There is, in fact, such a thing as "too" normal to a lot of people.

- Every social skill you learn means one less reason for past bullying/rejection to matter. You are not what you were 5 or 10 years ago.

How's this?

(This is a bit like the Autism Social Rule Book - don't know what ever happened to that but I do miss it. I hope this thread stays popular instead of quickly getting pushed to the bottom, and pointless threads becoming popular instead, like 12 or 13 pages of arguing over what the precise logical meaning of the word ''intellectual'' is, or something stupid like that.)


-You can't help being a quiet person, but try to non-verbally show that you are willing to make friends, like making eye contact, smiling, laughing when the others laugh, standing in a ''relaxed'' way, and trying your best not to let yourself gradually come away from the group

-Ask more questions. When somebody is talking to you about themselves, ask a question to them, even if it feels pointless, they won't judge you for it. I always get asked pointless questions and think, ''why did they ask me that for? The answer is quite obvious!'', not sure if NTs think that or not, but they do like it when you act like you're interested and willing to know more about them

-Think before you react (this applies to me too). If somebody offends you, take a couple of seconds to think ''hang on, they offended me'', instead of laughing straight away then realising that you shouldn't have laughed because then that means you'll meekly take any sh** that is said to you and then they'll think they can say whatever they want to you in the near future.

-Moderate almost everything. Look for the shades of grey. Don't overdo things, don't underdo things. Try to moderate things, a bit like empathy. Consider other people's feelings to a suitable degree, like when needed. But don't go around thinking of others too much, otherwise you'll end up worrying about other people and not putting yourself first before anything. People then start taking advantage of your good nature.

Hi!

Thanks a lot for these pieces of advice, I find them very concise and helpful, especially the one about not disclosing AS to anyone (I've done it with several people and they only began treating me like a child or talking to me as if I was unable of understanding what they'd tell me or something, and others just got irritated 'Come on, what's it called yet? Yeah, 'that' doesn't exist, you only have to make efforts, you're just normal!'. And also the one of thinking before you react, because that's a recurring problem in aspies I believe.

Here are a few other ones I learnt recently:

- Talking to people you don't know as if they were friends: it is not accepted to talk to someone a lot, if you have never exchanged at least a few words with them occasionally.

- E-mailing people: it is not accepted to e-mail someone who hasn't given their e-mail address to you first (especially if you've worked it out thanks to their last name, which you shouldn't show you know if you don't know them well), except of course professors or other public figures everyone is allowed to contact. If you do so anyway, don't be hurt if they don't reply because the odds are high it will happen.

- Being too nice: it is looked down on to be overly nice to someone who isn't nice to you. For example, if you smile a lot and they don't, and you go on smiling, they will understand you are trying to be accepted and possibly despise you. If however you become equally 'cold' with them, they might think twice and begin being nice to you.

- Meeting someone for the first time: if you're sitting in class and someone talks to you to ask a few questions like 'Excuse me, can you read what's on the board?' and you chat a little, and you've never talked to that person before, don't follow them when the class is over. Just walk away and if they feel like talking to you again they will naturally come back to you another time. People need time to take in new relationships, and not everyone trusts other people easily.

That's what I've learnt recently based on experience this week.

I also hope this post stays, and everyone gives their tips to cope better.

See you fellows

If more people have knowledge about this area, it would be great if you could post it here. I really like these tips, especially yours compgeek, I'm a afraid I can't contribute that much, though. Intellectually I can say that even though you have Aspergers you have to understand that you have a place in the society and that you have the same rights as everyone else does. You should also have the right to be treaded like everyone else. If this is not the case in practice at your location, it is something that is correct in theory. Sometimes society is screwed together in a wrong way, but it does not have to be like this, it is just a case of processes and actions going in the wrong way instead of the right way. You can know better yourself. This is also very important existentially, you have the same right to live as everyone else does, at least - if not even more, because you are you.

Here are a few other ones I've just thought about:

- Changing clothes: it is easier to be accepted when you change clothes regularly; it can be the same two pairs of jeans that you wear alternately, it doesn't matter, what matters is that people see you change regularly (for a reason I don't know, maybe they believe you are cleaner when you change clothes, although some people change them regularly without cleaning them);

- Clean hair: personal experience here, I stayed a year with greasy hair and although it didn't damage relationships with people who already knew me, I could tell me being a bit 'dirty' made people who saw me for the first time treat me worse than they would have treated me otherwise;

- Not smelling bad: it is not well accepted to smell of transpiration or anything other, even french fries, so if it's possible for you, make sure you have a shower at least every two days or something, and wash clothes if they smell too bad. Some people will accept you smelling badly, but mostly it won't be accepted and you won't feel comfortable with those people who make remarks;

- If you can't stand deodorant: baking soda works much better than deodorant and has no odor or weird texture like industrial deodorant; you just need to put half a teaspoon of baking soda in your hand, add a few drops of water for it to become a bit like a mash (not liquid), then rub your hands together and rub each armpit with the opposite hand. I've been using this method for years without any problem so far;

- Map of the city: if you tend to get lost, try to find a map of the city you live in. It will be most helpful whenever you get lost, whenever you're given an address you have to go to but ignore where it is, etc., all that without depending on the Internet (if you're stuck in a street you don't know, you won't be able to come back home and get connected to check mappy). I bought one two years ago and I was surprised I hadn't thought about it before, in the past I wouldn't even know what street was next to mine since I never went out!

- Talking about your problems: too often, you can be stuck having issues and not mentioning it to anyone, which does more harm than good even if you think that not talking will protect you from other people. I found out, to my surprise, that the simple fact of mentioning (in a few sentences) what's going on prompts people to give me a simple solution I hadn't thought of, if they have one. Example: I say to a friend 'Oh, I don't have money to buy this book or this book' and she replies 'Oh but wait, I have a friend who's one year older, I'll ask her to pass theirs onto you, since she doesn't need them anymore!'. Other example: I used to have to switch buildings because classes took place in two different schools. The first time, it took me twenty minutes, then I met a guy and I was about to go the same way when he told me 'Oh but there's a shortcut that takes two minutes!' and it solved a major problem for me. This tip is very similar to the tip consisting in...

- Talking with people: maybe it might need further explanation since according to what I've read most aspergians don't understand why talk with people when it's not to exchange practical information. The thing is, people first talk about useless things (example: 'Nice day, isn't it?'; you might think 'What the hell? It's obvious, since it's sunny'. But what the person actually does by telling you that is 'Do you agree to get in touch with me?' Source: my grandfather explained that to me). This kind of small talk is necessary to most people. Very few people will come up to you and begin talking about globalization or asking you about your personal life. First you need to make small talk, and if you can't, at least be receptive to it and reply as best as you can. Once you've gone past that stage, people will come back to you another day, and things will get deeper progressively. This is called becoming friends with someone. Once you are friends, you will actually exchange a lot of practical pieces of information, at the turn of conversations. It won't be planned, but they will help you a lot. (Source: I've read that in an article I believe) It might sound illogical but it really is that way it works. Don't wonder why life is sometimes harder for you: you just don't talk to people! Don't think you have more problems because you are bad person; you have more problems because you don't talk to people and you receive no help, because you haven't asked for it. You might be extremely kind and yet feel that the world is against you. The key lies in communication. And this is a major problem, which means most efforts will have to be done in that field.

Actually I have loads of tips because I had begun writing down everything I noticed about life in general when I got diagnosed. If you could spread the word around you, so everyone will add their fifty cents, I would be most grateful.

Oh and Joe90, it happened to me just this week. The girl I 'followed' got freaked out, then I stopped talking to her, went to sit as far as I could, and the next day she came talk to me by herself. I was very surprised. It's my boyfriend who explained to me the mistake I'd made, actually. He said it very simply. I came back home in tears, because the girl had looked at me mean and walked the other way to avoid me. I was saying 'oh the world is cruel, people are mean, why do they do that?' and then he said 'no, people are like that, you mustn't follow them if you are not good friends with them, you must talk to them a few minutes, then walk away, if you see them in a corridor, just say hello and walk away but do not ignore them, and then they will come back when they feel like it'. He's kind of a genius when you think about it.

Underscore, thanks and all tips are welcome, just say whatever helps you cope in life, maybe it will also help somebody else! Sometimes even small things can change life a lot, and we might not have thought about it even though it's simple.