I tried too hard to be an NT and screwed myself massively up

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emimeni
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02 Oct 2012, 12:06 pm

Callista wrote:
Yeah, ECT is kind of a last resort. If the choice is between ECT or depression so severe you stop talking, feeding yourself, or leaving your bed... well, despite the side effects, it can be worth trying. Deliberately inducing seizures isn't something you want to do lightly, though.


You know, even if ECT is no longer indicated for psychosis, that's what I was trying to say.


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omid
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02 Oct 2012, 2:42 pm

emimeni wrote:
Callista wrote:
Yeah, ECT is kind of a last resort. If the choice is between ECT or depression so severe you stop talking, feeding yourself, or leaving your bed... well, despite the side effects, it can be worth trying. Deliberately inducing seizures isn't something you want to do lightly, though.

You know, even if ECT is no longer indicated for psychosis, that's what I was trying to say.


GUYS! PLEASE FORGET ABOUT THE F-ING ECT. IT WAS A SO CALLED JOKE.



TheOtherMe
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02 Oct 2012, 3:06 pm

I can perfectly relate to your story OP, my brain is also over-clocked and doing overtime. Nobody really gets my problem when I try to explain it, docs want me on meds. Neurolepts, just in case. But I don't like being a zombie, so I need to figure this out myself.



phyrehawke
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02 Oct 2012, 5:18 pm

I take meds that slow me down just a little bit, but they don't make me into a zombie. For me, getting zombified (or going hypomanic) was a sign I might be getting slightly overdosed on meds. It might be a normal dose for somebody not on the Spectrum but maybe not for me...that was a great warning from the Psychiatrist. We had to tinker with my meds a bit to realize that I'm "cognitively sensitive" to dosages and certain meds. So we start out on very low dosages (like children's dosages...I'm not kidding) and work our way up slowly. That way if I hit a dose that is zombie-ville, or some other side effect I can't handle in my life, I can back down to something that was working. This is starting to work out really well for me, in addition to making better decisions in my personal life.
I really wish we had discovered this way of determining medication dosages for me 20 years ago.



daydreamer84
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03 Oct 2012, 12:54 am

omid wrote:
emimeni wrote:
Callista wrote:
Yeah, ECT is kind of a last resort. If the choice is between ECT or depression so severe you stop talking, feeding yourself, or leaving your bed... well, despite the side effects, it can be worth trying. Deliberately inducing seizures isn't something you want to do lightly, though.

You know, even if ECT is no longer indicated for psychosis, that's what I was trying to say.


GUYS! PLEASE FORGET ABOUT THE F-ING ECT. IT WAS A SO CALLED JOKE.


sorry :oops: I took that literally.



emimeni
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03 Oct 2012, 4:13 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
sorry :oops: I took that literally.


Yeah, so did I. We're literal folk here.


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omid
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04 Oct 2012, 6:58 am

emimeni wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
sorry :oops: I took that literally.


Yeah, so did I. We're literal folk here.


I admit the joke was stupid. i'm not sure whether NT's would get it either.



Whathappened
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29 Apr 2015, 2:24 pm

omid wrote:
2. Sudden change in environment happened (immigration to Europe) and everything went wrong. Suddenly, I was this socially useless piece of mud. The environment expected stuff I couldn't do and I couldn't cope with them because everything was so complicated. There were suddenly girls at school. You had to participate verbally. There were discussions. The pupils were actually halfway adults with girlfriends and stuff and went out to bars etc.

3. I tried TOO HARD to cope, to learn the social cues, to fit in. and guess what. It worked..... somehow. Or did it? At least at some point I thought it did. I was socially active at least. But in retrospect, I was just that pathetic clownish idiot tryig to be funny and participating in talks in his weird way. Staying a lonesome outsider with very limited contacts would be better. The parties and get togethers all gave me panic attacks or sensory overloads (or wharevers) anyways. I was trying to socialize and was suffering like a dog doing so. WHY ACTUALLY?

4. This “trying to cope” also had it side effects. It has made me “hyper-vigilant”. Meaning that I am too awake and am thinking and analyzing everything all the time. (Who said what. How did he say it. Why did he say it. What was his facial expression etc. and not just people. EVERYTHING) and I also have work for myself when no one was around. I practice talking and socializing for example. Or I just talk to myself and imagine different social situations to improve my language. My language won't get any better than this but I CAN'T TURN IT OFF ANYMORE. I cant turn off any of these anymore. It's not like OCD or whatever. It's like having developed muscles in places in my brain where there shouldn't be any. And THIS is what I mean by trying to hard to be NT and screwing yourself up.

5. This “hypervigilance” was probably confused with another symptom called hyperreflexivity and earned me the Schizophrenia diagnosis. On the other hand, I cant stop to think, analyze or basically stop my mind, or even body. I'm probably one of the most agitated people on earth. I've had the strongest tranquilizers but felt no difference at all.

So. here's my story.
What do you think? How many ECT sessions do I need?
Cheerz
Omid




I relate to all this. Omg how did I go my whole life (I'm 28) not consciously recognizing this stuff. I always lied to myself and was constantly rationalized away by others in my family around me. There was no WAY, we couldn't NOT be normal...you know how it is, so yeah. Wtf. Here I am ..... I still am blank, I don't know what to think about it. It's hard to come face to face and admit truth. We are always told to improve and be better, ever constantly. So, It's hard.
I wonder if I look like a massive tool idiot to those around me now. I've always had this under sense that I probably do when I'm truly myself. I've always been called "odd". I play it off well though and have learned to a mastery the facade of what "normal is supposed to look like" but it always feels I'm just acting. I can't stand this.



cavernio
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29 Apr 2015, 2:44 pm

What a bump, 3 years

I'm just starting to see how I have compartmentalized myself so that I can function. It worked up until I left home when I didn't have enough alone time, when things weren't just habit. It was even then still kind of working as long as I didn't want to emotionally connect to another living being. Finding myself up against an emotional barrier of my own creation when trying to connect to someone else? Priceless.


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xenocity
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29 Apr 2015, 3:39 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
emimeni wrote:
omid wrote:
P.s: ECT is actually good for psychosis afaik...!?!?


But, what if you aren't psychotic?


No ECT is not good for psychosis Doctors used to think it was ages ago but now it's only used for severe cases of depression when the patient has tried everything else and nothing has worked...........it doesn't always work but has had some success for depression. Also they only do it on the right side of the brain now in these cases to prevent damage to memory and language as a side effect (they used to do it on both sides).

I agree with this statement.
Granted I wasn't diagnosed until 25, I was always taught and encouraged heavily with rewards and punishments to emulate the other boys and men....

It's screwed me up something fierce, though I can added it to the heap of things that have screwed me up...!


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