Question to NTs on social interaction

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I asked this in the Hotline sticky thread but my question went unanswered. I'd like to know, what kind of behaviors make you reject an aspie or suddenly or gradually stop befriending them? I'm not easy to offend and what I'm seeking is to learn, so please be honest and feel free.

I haven't ever had any friends with a known Aspergers diagnosis so this hasn't come up. I have only once "broken up" with a friend and it is unlikely that she had AS. Bipolar seems a more likely guess. She would toggle back and forth between violently hating me and thinking I was the worst person in the world but then apologizing and thinking I was the best person in the world. I eventually couldn't tolerate the ups and downs anymore. I need friends with more consistency. But I don't think she was AS.


I currently have a friend who says she is unable tyo read body language and I should spell things out for her, but she also says that AS is out of the question and she is positive she doesn't have it. In any case, spelling things out for her has been pretty easy.

I love a man I suspect has AS and there was a period last year that I refused to speak to him because he constantly lied about the same thing - he pretended to have a girlfriend even though i knew it to be a lie and it was obvious. He didn't realise that he kept contradicting things and I eventually took a break from him to his dismay.

I am a very 'to the point' person, don't lie to me because it makes me doubt everything else you tell me. I also suspect the reason he lied about having a gf was to maybe seem 'normal' but that was no excuse.

This is a great question! Some background- I believe that I'm very much in the middle of the NT/AS spectrum. (It's awesome when I feel that I belong in both worlds, but awful when I feel I don't belong anywhere.) I think I'm inherently more NT but was raised by two Asperger's parents and exhibit a lot of those traits. Hopefully I'm a good person to answer this.

I have a co-worker who exhibits a great deal of AS symptoms and is unfortunately rejected by many of us. I can think of three main reasons why. When he is in a conversation, he often talks about himself or his family. He has no idea when to stop talking and it's also difficult to even get any responses into the conversation.

**If it's hard for any of you to know when to stop talking, I have two suggestions. One, if you start a conversation with someone, subtly press a button on your phone that starts a timer which will go off with a ringtone. Then, graciously excuse yourself to answer the phone. That way, your phone will help you keep interactions shorter.

**Second, be honest! Say "I have a tendency to ramble so if I'm talking and you need to do something else, let me know." I would be more than happy to do that if encouraged.

Another reason he is rejected is that he often isolates himself, which then makes us more uncomfortable around him. (I know this is a catch-22, because we reject him in conversations, so he feels he needs to isolate, and then we get more uncomfortable.)

**My suggestion- try to physically be in the proximity of others without always being the one talking in conversation (not sure if that's helpful, but it would be in this case).

A third reason (and I really, really hate to say this) is because of the "groupthink" mentality of NTs. Some people (such as myself) who can understand this guy and would accept him are hesitant to be around him because we're afraid that if we hang out with those who don't fit in, we'll be more likely to be rejected ourselves. I feel like a horrible person writing this, but you said to be honest, and I wanted to point out that not all rejection is based on something you 'could have done differently'. Now that I've learned more about AS, I would like to do a better job reaching out to this co-worker and not worry about what others think, because I see that he is a kind, caring and good-hearted person.

I could go on and would be happy to provide my thoughts on more specific questions.

Moondust, in a way I have the reverse question for you. It's recently dawned on me that both of my parents have AS. As their daughter, I have to fit in to their world and it's always been hard. So, are there any behaviors or things that NTs do that bother you? How can I reach out to my parents (and my co-worker) to do a better job connecting with them? Thanks!

One problem I have with my boyfriend (who has AS) is that when he has to tell me something he will give me an insufficient explanation bypassing all the details that are superfluous to him because he thinks I automatically know them too. This means I have to ask a lot of questions intead of just listening to what he says, which can be quite tiring. For instance, when I ask him "how are you?" he often says "good", but if one minute later I ask him "are you stressed/upset?" he will often say he is even though before he said he was "good" because the first question was too general.
I don't know if I have AS but I can be quite socially awkard and the thing that has been pointed out to me the most is that I tend to go on and on until the discussion is over, not noticing when the other person is getting bored or irritated. Also, when a topic is brought up I tend to talk a lot about myself without asking questions.
The thing is that even knowing that these problems are there I don't know how to fix them because all the strategies just go *poof* when I am in a conversation which is not in my head.
In case my post seemed to have been written by someone on drugs, it's because I'm really sleepy for no specific reason. Just so sleepy.

urbanpixie, I can't thank you enough. Your post is as if you'd seen ME at work. I'll certainly start making sure I'm seen with people a lot, even if those people are paying zero attention to me.

But what is it that gets this guy rejected in the first place? After that, I do understand about the vicious circle of isolation-rejection-isolation-rejection, but what is it initially? I mean the first rejection that brings the first isolation.

Any and all comments are welcome, of course! The more the merrier.

About your question to me, would you like to start a new thread? That way we wouldn't be going off-topic, which could become confusing, and others could give answers too.