How do I tell my lover he has AS?

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My long term Bf and I decided to move in together 4 months ago. As soon as we did things became very strained between us. He would get angry very quickly over small things and it seemed like he didn't understand me, all communication broke down. We decided to go into couples therapy and try to work things out. Therapy has really helped us .We go together every other week and separate appointments on off weeks. I had suspected for a long time that he may be on the spectrum . During my last one on one visit with the therapist she asked me if I was familiar with Asperger's or Autism spectrum . This was a huge relief that she recognized these qualities in him as well. I had done a lot of reading on the topic but talking to a mental health professional really helped me to understand better what he was going through. She has given me invaluable strategies for communicating on terms that are more precise and understandable for an AS person. Knowing what is happening has allowed me to let go of my anger towards him and understand that he has never meant to hurt me, scare me, or shut me out. We are getting along so well now . I truly love him and want to support him in life. He hasn't had a formal diagnosis and I don't know that he needs one but I think he should be fully aware of the way his brain functions so he can excel in his strengths and understand and improve on some of his social weaknesses. How do I broach this subject with him. He is very sensitive about himself. . He spent a lot of time being ridiculed as a child by his family and peers. He is a wonderful caring loyal man with vast intelligence . He just doesn't communicate and read me and others the same as we do him. Please give me some strategies from an AS perspective.

People can react very differently to being told they are on the autism spectrum. If I was trying to communicate to my significant other that he or she qualifies for Asperger's, I don't think I would say it directly. The probability of a negative response is too high and I wouldn't want the negativity associated with me.

You could have someone else tell him, but that's still going to hit him pretty hard.

Maybe a safer approach would be to relate his behavior to someone successful who is diagnosed and attempt to guide him to his own diagnosis. A positive role model would demonstrate possibility instead of limitations and would be more gentle to his self-esteem.

I have thought about contacting his longterm best friend for advice. I don't want him to feel betrayed by me going behind his back. There are so many ways he could react.

Ok so I found my wonderful AS man ... where do I go to find another to talk to him about it ?

He just went to an interview for a tech job doing QA and didn't get it because the interview went poorly. He would have been perfect for the job and has tons of experience in the field. ( He is brilliant!! ! ) I need him to know what is going on so he can go to his next one more prepared. I have offered to do ' practice ' interviews with him and he seemed like he might try it but I really think that for all this to work (our relationship and job situation) that we both have to have a clear definition of how we work as opposed to how others work.

I agree with ADB. This is an issue that requires a lot of tact. I was told years ago by an old gf that she thought that I was always very different from most other people that she knew. I doubt that she knew about AS way back then, but it was her way of trying to get me to consider that I might have some issue. It was long after that when I read about AS and sought professional verification. Perhaps you might talk to your partner about his childhood and see if that might lead him into considering how and why he had problems. Too, it is important to point out the positive AS traits, even if you don't call them AS traits.

Another suggestion might be to approach the subject with humor. You might laughingly say something like, "Oh! You sound just like an aspie!" Yes, there is some risk in this approach, so use it with caution, it could backfire. Either way, you don't want to sound negative.

Thank you for your responses. keep them coming. It feels really good to talk about this.

If he hasn't been diagnosed yet, it's best to not put preconceived notions in his head or anybody elses. Do talk to him about it, suggest that he talk to somebody and possibly get tested, but don't word it in such a way that implies certainty, no matter how certain it may seem to you or others. Doing so could impact the results of such a test in a negative way (and result in a misdiagnosis).

Man, if only we could tell the world that autism isn't shameful or scary. It's just... you either have it or you don't (or maybe you have a few traits) and it's okay either way. Then you wouldn't have to walk on eggs like this.

It might be best to tell him the things you've observed about him--that he has trouble with job interviews, that you find it difficult to understand him and he seems to have problems understanding you as well; that he was bullied as a child... I mean, all that stuff. The problem isn't that he has AS; it's that you and he think differently, and you both need to learn about each other so that you can communicate properly and not annoy each other. It's a lot like you've come from two different cultures, and you have to learn each other's languages so nothing gets lost in translation.

Talk to that counselor of yours; she sounds like a pretty sensible person. Get her to explain everything to both of you when you go in together. It must be so uncomfortable for you to be trying to do this without him knowing. Once you can both work together on this--understanding each other, communicating, meeting in the middle--things should go much better. That's what couples do, right? When there's a problem, they team up, and they're stronger.

Try introducing him to WP when you get the chance. He sounds like a cool guy who'd fit right in here.

You MIGHT ask him if he has ever wondered why he is different, or maybe if he has felt different, than his peers. Ask him if he has always had certain issues related to AS/HFA. But as noted, much tact is needed. Some of us, its like POW That is ME 100%! Other often go into DEEP Denial. You can see various forms of denial all over this place, but those are seperate issues. If only Autism was not so often equated with Mental Retardation, or even schizophrenia. Less shame & stigma would make it easier to accept. So if he does have a very high IQ you could get tons of resistance to the idea.
This would have worked with me, maybe leave a book on the subject where he could see it. If he picks it up & shows signs of interest, go from there..
Best of luck, whatever you do.

Sincerely,
Matthew
PS.
I assume the counselor has not talked to HIM about this. That might be an alternate route, but also could meet lots of denial.

I'm not AS but your main question is of interest to me and has been for a while.

I agree with this. I think it's important to not try to be the spouse's psychotherapist. Being a partner is enough struggle. Why not ask your couple's therapist if he/she is in a position to start suggesting that many of your guy's traits (both positive and troublesome) register highly among aspie traits?



The fire bell is ringing! Danger. Danger! I understand where you're coming from on this one. It's hard to be the only person with the insight that someone close to you may have AS and no one to talk to about it. But talking to one of his friends about it might likely be taken as both invasive and disloyal. And rightly so. Especially since you have not talked to your partner about it yet. You have the couple's therapist to talk to about this sensitive topic. (I, myself, wish it weren't such a sensitive topic. I mean, AS just is. And it can be the "secret" elephant in the room.)

I'm glad your relationship is on the mend.

Well, I found out that I had it because I accidentally stumbled across the rdos Aspie quiz. I don't think I would have been very accepting if someone had flat out told me but because my results suggested that I was an Aspie, I started to look into it. Perhaps you could find a non-threatening way to get him to take the test. It's an idea...

Couldn't the therapist talk to him about it during a therapy session, like bring up the possibility and then maybe he'd feel it was a possibility and be relieved or deny it and take it personally I mean its hard to know how someone would react. I know I was rather neutral when my sister mentioned I could have AS I mean it didn't fix anything but it kind of helped me understand some things like why I just didn't 'get it' when it came to social interaction.

I know when a psychologist used my "autistic tendencies" as an excuse to drop my case, my whole family went in denial and that made me go in denial, too, because I was a child. There was two or three years in my adolescence where I would've sworn up and down I wasn't autistic because of this. You need to be prepared for the fact that he may be in deep denial if you confront him about it.

both do the Wired AQ online questionnaire together, as a fun thing one evening or whenever

it's good if he knows. terrible and unfair on him not to enable him to realise his condition

you both can then build an AS/NT relationship (see threads in the adult life discussion section here). you can love him and help him. he may not show it but inside he'll feel it's really, really nice to beloved by a woman. bless you for loving him

Our therapist has suggested doing what one of your comments also suggested, Leaving books and information out in the open. So far I've left movies going about the topic, this site open on the computer, along with many other things. He asked me why I had taken a sudden interest in the topic I responded with The communication problems associated with an Asperger and a nurotypical communication remind me of our relationship. I have been researching this and using some of the strategies of communication in our relationship . I have noticed a vast improvement. Have you noticed how well we've been getting along? He agreed that we had been getting along very well. He did ask if I thought he had Asperger's I responded with I thought he may because he fit the criteria so well. He is highly intelligent, extremely logical, excels in computers and doesn't communicate the same as most. He said if the way I was communicating helped our relationship I should keep doing it. He got up and moved away from me and the topic was over. He has begun avoiding the topic and information now. I have not brought it up again I don't want to push him. I am now waiting. He typically takes a week to really process and I am coming up on that week soon. I really want to be prepared to talk to him about this when he is ready in a way that he will absorb without negativity. Thank you all for your feed back.

B T W
He displays many more traits that I listed but I did not want to overwhelm him with a big list and make him feel he was being fired on. I thought I should keep it simple and see what he would do with the information in his own time.

If he really is an aspie then- he has already been told by everyone in his life ALL his life that he has EVERYTHING in the world WRONG with him.

Indeed you yourself even already told us that about him.

So if someone tells him in effect- "you DON'T have a million things wrong with you- its that you just have ONE thing different about you- all those other things stem from that ONE thing." then its a step up. And not a step down.

So - I dont see what the problem is.

He may not see that he may have AS if he has a destorted view of autism. I've been actively searching for what could be the matter with me, and until two months ago have consistently rejected the idea I might be autistic because I didn't understand the difference between low functioning autism (of the "Rainman" variety) and mild high functioning autism. I attributed my social problems to high intelligence, being naturally extremely introverted and the idea that the rest of the world was weird and that I was completely normal. From my point of view, my point of view is completely logical. That can make it hard or impossible to see another point of view. Aspies aren't very good at that, I'm told. Perhaps he just doesn't see what AS has got to do with him.