Am I undiagnosed Asperger's or simply eccentric?

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Hi,

I'm a 42 year old woman with a 5 year old son, who has a diagnosis of Asperger's. He likes numbers and music. My sister and I suspect my 70 year old father has Asperger's - he has two main interests, a fixed repertoire of jokes, and suffers from anxiety to the extent is is affecting his health (he comfort eats and has diabetes). My half-brother is NT, so is my mother, but my grandmother was eccentric, introspective, anxious and quite shy. Her father desctibed her as having "a swinging brick for a heart" (not very nice description fancy carrying that baggage around with you!!)

I am shy NOT socially anxious. I like socialising over the Internet, I always have, since I was about 18 and at uni. My background is Astrophysics with PhD in Astronomy. I then followed the classic Aspie mosaic of careers, moving on when things got too much. I did well in science but was young and arrogant but mostly forgiven I think. I did a year's teaching but found students hard work. Then I spent 7 years as a project manager. I did fine initially in a team of men but when a very touchy-feely female joined the team I was totally at sea. She showed me how to express myself in a way that was less adversarial and professor-like. However I still struggle when speaking to use the first person - I still tend to use the 3rd person e.g. "It was great to see you" rather than "I enjoyed seeing you". Sometimes I feel I talk like a walking scientific paper.

I was feeling altruistic so I left the company to become an allied health professional. This meant taking another degree. I only half-completed it because I was frequently being hauled before the supervisor for alienating the staff, not chatting enough and trying to get to the bottom of procedures by questioning staff and they complained. The final nail in the coffin was when a supervisor asked me who had been supervising me when I carried out a procedure that could have been done more efficiently. I trustingly gave her name. What I didn't know was that she then got into trouble. She later told me what had happened to her. Socially naive or what? I was 35 years old at the time, surely old enough to know better? But it never occured to me what would happen. I seem to lack the imagination to work out the "next step" in a social interation.

Anyway I quit this job. Then I became pregant with my son. What surprised me was how much better I was at social stuff while I was breastfeeding, but my car parking skills decreased . Once breastfeeding stopped I went back to my usual self but my social skills had definitely improved.

Since then I have been at home with my son. He needs my support and, as with most things I study, I have become an expert in Asperger's. I can bore anyone at a party with my knowledge.

I am fortunate enough to have made a network of acquainances and one proper friend in addition to my best friends, who are my son and husband. However, I know i will never be one to effortlessly work a room and I certainly feel different to other women. My sense of humour is quite different. I am interested in building model aircraft as well as knitting. I am a very strong follower of 80's music and enjoy discussing it with a chap who has Asperger's who is married to my best friend. If there is a discussion going on and i interject, I seem to be coming at right angles to everyone else, and this is AFTER I have censored what I say. I quite often have the ability to stop a conversation dead. I never act spontaneously if I can help it so I can pass as normal. I also tend to panic and I seem to be unable to control this once it starts. I have meltdowns sometimes too, not very often, the last major one was about 3 years ago when was in an uncontrollable sobbing state and then I sent an angry email around most of the mums I knew. Everyone gave me a very wide berth for quite a long time and i felt really ashamed. One cycling acquaintance who gets very impatient with me thnks I have Asperger's. Another acquaintance who works in IT says that we are all somewhere on the spectrum.

I am worried that if I went to get a diagnosis and got one, the vague relationships I have managed to achieve will melt away and no one will want to know me. I will be "that woman with Asperger's".

I wish that I didn't feel so different and so out of tune with what the rest of the world thinks, or so lonely despite having a supportive family.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. Does this sound like Asperger's?

Not really.

Hi,

Thanks - do you by any chance have Asperger's? How do your experiences differ to mine?

Based on what you've given, no. Though if you suspect you have an ASD it certainly wouldn't hurt to try and get a diagnosis.

oh yes and I am "cack-handed" (tend to drop / break things especially in public / when anxious) and was bullied at school.

Having an autistic child along with the feeling you might have it, is a good indicator to seek a professional.

But it could be subclinical. There is a mother here of an autistic child who has some impairments, and some are significant ( to her), but it all falls under the diagnostic line.

Have you tried the Aspie Quiz yet? Gives you a good idea whether you are a good candidate for a diagnosis or not. This is the link: http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

My score was 90/200 Aspie 112/200 NT

Nope, doesn't sound like Aspergers. If you are nestled (generation-wise) between two Aspies, you could very likely be BAP though, which would give you a bit of quirkiness without actually putting you on the spectrum.

BAP="Broader autism phenotype". Refers to those who have autistic traits but not severely enough to cause impairment, and is often seen in family members of autistics. Also referred to as "Spectrum cousin", which refers to NT-with-autistic-traits as well as those who have autism-like-but-not-quite-autism conditions like ADHD, NVLD, avoidant/schizoid personality, social phobia, prosopagnosia.

I think you probably do have Aspie traits. It runs in your family--your son has it. You don't seem as though you've got the significant impairment necessary for diagnosis (I'm not living your life, so I don't know, but that's my guess), but there are many, many people who have autistic traits without having them severely enough to be diagnostic. It could be that your traits are more severe than you're letting on, in which case you'd need a diagnosis.

Whatever you decide, you should stick around here. We can always use more people with a foot in both worlds, and the parents on the Parents forum can give you tips on teaching your son. Plus, you're older than most of us, and a parent, and have had a career, so you'll have some experiences that we haven't had and that you can add your perspective on.

Hi

Thanks for introducing me to the term "cousin" and "BAP". This has made it possible for me to look up articles on this on the Internet.

I read this paper with interest: Invisible at the end of the spectrum

Every interviewee in this paper cold be my cousin and our life experiences seem to have run parallel, in particular being labelled as "selfish" and "arrogant" when I do not have a bad bone in my body.

Aspiequiz score: 90/200 Aspie 112/200 NT
Empathy Quotient = 27 (Low)
Systemizing Quotient = 48 (Above Average - in Aspie range)
Autism Quotient = 22 (top of average range for NTs, most women score about 15, most men score about 17)

Hi,

I just wanted to welcome you to WP. I'm Mummy to a 6yr old girl and she was diagnosed with Aspergers recently. I'm a bit like you, I think and I'm also a full time Mum (at least I was until me daughter started school, but I haven't returned to work yet and won't for a while). I do have significant traits and do see an awful lot of myself in my daughter. I don't have a diagnosis. It's quite clear that I have sensory processing issues, some of which seem to be more severe than my daughter's and I've suffered with social anxiety. I think this has come about due to knowing that I've upset people or they've taken a dislike to me, but not knowing why. I became frightened to do or say anything, in case I was ridiculed or someone snarled at me, again. I actually think my daughter has a better chance of getting on in life than I ever did.

I suspect your post isn't a full picture of what life is like for you and that's why others have said it doesn't sound too much like Aspergers. Maybe the 'network of acquaintances' was a red herring, as I don't think too many WP users have one of those. I even went on a series of seminars at work, to help with this, and still failed miserably at it. Anyway, you know yourself better than anyone and you're welcome here as Mummy to a child with Aspergers or as a member in your own right. xx

Hi Mummy of Peanut

Thanks for understanding.

Yes, I do have a network of acquaintainces but they are VERY basic acquintances, nodding acquaintances and people I might chat to on a street corner or say Hi to outside the school gates. I occasionally "catch up" with a coffee with someone but the thoughts swirling in my head wouldn't be relevant to the conversation. As a result the conversation remarks I say are basic and boring to me, I sometimes wonder how it is for the other person. Sometimes I guess at the person's emotional state and venture "oh that must be hard for you" and get back "No, not really, I feel quite excited about it". Sometimes this happens several times in a conversation with one person.

I have "known" these aquaintances for four years now and still no closer to a proper "friendship" with them. I have one friend I can count on in the town, we see each other once a week if we can.

I had been at a party the other night (Yes I pass as normal enough to be invited to parties occasionally) and after dropping wine on the floor (almost expected of me by now as I am quite clumsy) and missing the chance to greet the hostess properly (and trying not to make a fuss about the wine in case others thought I was seeking attention) one of the Mums, one of my distant acquaintances, said "What are you doing this half term holiday". I thought it meant "Would you like to meet up" so I said "I'm pretty free" and smiled, waiting, for a response. She said nothing and there was an awkward silence so I gabbled "Of course I'm swimming Monday, at the cafe Tuesday, music therapy Friday". At which point she turned to another lady and asked her what SHE was doing...that was all the conversations was about! Sometimes shallow conversations seem deep to me, and deep conversations seem shallow - and most bore me because I want to talk about something I know a lot about e.g. Astronomy, Physics, gardening, cycling, etc. But I don't - I am FAR too polite!! !

I get horribly jealous when I see best friends and cliques at the school gates but I remind myself that I wouldn't know what to do with a clique if I was in one!

My boss used to have to spell things out to me - he would say "I expected you to just pick up on it".

Mummy*5*yrold

I get what you mean about acquaintances. Since becoming a mother, I've gotten to know a lot of people. I used to run a parent and toddler group (as part of my 'getting out of my shell' venture), so I'm pretty well known in the school playground. But, of all those people, I only have 2 that I would call 'friends'. One is my best friend, the closest friend I've ever had, although we've only known each other about 3 years. The other is a young gran. I'll have the occassional coffee morning with her, along with my best friend, but nothing more than that. I meet another couple of ladies for coffee and really enjoy their company too. One is mother to a boy with Aspergers and our kids attend the same after school class. The other suspects she has Aspergers. With those 2, we have lots in common, so the conversation doesn't dry up. I'm definitely not like the majority of the other Mums (including my best friend) who have a list of names on their mobiles, that they could phone up and arrange a night out with. However, I did go to a party on Saturday (actually a Halloween ball), with friends (my husband's friends in fact, but we get on well and I do consider them to be my friends too). Still, he's the one who phones them to arrange anything.