home as a refuge from the chaos that is grocery shopping

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can someone please tell me some suggestions on how to get my nt housemate to give me time to "decompress" as i like to call it, after the sensory overload experience that is grocery shopping?!

time and time again, i feel the need to be quiet and have a few moments to myself when i get back from the store, but as soon as i get in, my housemate starts chattering on about something. he talks loudly and there's something in the resonance of his voice that sets me off even on a good day, so when i'm already suffering from being over-stimulated it bothers me more than i can explain to him.

i try to explain to him, and he says he understands, but what he relates back to me is not at all what i'm trying to convey to him. for me it's not that i'm shy or don't like people or have some sort of emotion as he might experience. i try to explain about the way that all the motion and random chaos of the people, and the sounds of the store, and the bright lights, and trying to remember all what i need and make 203850923486 choices while attempting to not run over any children and feeling strange with so many people wanting to make eye contact........... how all of that is just too much for me to process at one time. he just does not comprehend.

i want (i truly need) home to be my refuge from all that, even if only for 15 minutes upon arriving home. i've asked over and again. i've tried explaining. i'm now at my wits' end in how to accomplish this. housemate seems to be insulted by my requests. i don't know what to do. i can't understand why i must ask time and time again for a simple 15 minutes of peaceful time. i can't tell if he doesn't care, or if he doesn't understand, if he doesn't remember, if he thinks i should just "get over it" or what his problem is.

what would you do? how do i train him to give me my "space"?

i'm hoping that if i finally get my diagnosis (must wait until end of december for my first eval for asperger's appointment), that he'll finally understand it's a condition and not some emotional thing i must learn to get past.

I love going shopping at like 11pm. The only downside is the deli is closed.

Could you have a system with your housemate where you come in from shopping with headphones on as a visible sign that you are tuned out, and you could listen to music while you put things away and then go to your room and then when you come out, your housemate would know your personal space quiet time was over?

Or, could you divert from coming straight home and park a block away from your house and listen to the radio or read a book with a booklight in your car or play with koosh balls or a stress toy or something and recompose? before you drive the final block home and have to face the chit chat.

just my two cents, hope something helps : )

He will probably not ever be able to understand what you really mean and go through because he may not be able to imagine it. He may think that it's not so bad as you are playing it out to be, etc. I doubt he is doing that to be mean or dismissive, but because he doesn't have anything to compare it to.

What I suggest is a little white lie. Near the end of your shopping trip while you are still in the store, start complaining about a headache. NT's sometimes get headaches from lights, sounds, activity, etc, so he can understand that. Say something like "This store is giving me a killer headache!" Act like you truly have one. Hold your head, be a bit quieter, rub your temples. When you get home, tell him "I've got to take some Tylenol and lay down for about 30 minutes to see if I can't get rid of this headache. If I fall asleep, come wake me up in 30 minutes ok?" and go in your room and shut the door. Just lay down on your bed like you would with a headache, and chill.

You can do this every time because there are lots of people that get a headache from certain types of places. He will understand this and not think you are overreacting. Yes it's a small lie, and no you shouldn't have to tell him that, but if he cannot comprehend your problem there is nothing wrong with just calling it by another name, calling it by the name of a problem he can comprehend. You still need peace and quiet for a few minutes, and a headache is just as good a reason to get it as overstimulation.

Don't think of it as a lie per se. Think of it as telling him what you need in a way that he can really understand, and by doing so you are getting what you need and giving him the opportunity to be caring and nice to you by leaving you alone to get over your "headache".

I've had to do something similar with my husband and kids when I've been in such a deep depression that the apathy and lethargy was so bad that I was literally unable to get out of bed for more than ten minutes and completely unable to function in any reasonable way at all. None of them would understand it if I told them that I couldn't get out of bed because I was depressed. They would interpret it that I was sad about something or upset about something and wanted to lay in bed and pout and wallow in self pity. That's not because they just think so little of me, it's because they cannot understand the effects that depression has on a person and the mental pain and physical exhaustion. So, what I did was fake a mild case of the flu. I was sick either way, literally. They were much more willing to help out and not complain about things if they thought that I couldn't do things because I was physically sick rather than mentally sick. It's not that they don't want to understand, it's really that without experiencing it themselves they can't understand. It's an alien concept to them, like your overstimulation is to your roomate.

Doing something like that isn't bad or manipulative unless you are doing it just for convenience, etc. I did it because I couldn't function and their judgement and anger would have made me feel much worse, and it would have taken much longer for the antidepressants to start working, and I think you should do it because you need time to chill after certain things and you are your roomate will both be able to get back to your regularly scheduled lives quicker if you just get your few minutes to chill.

When I lived where the stores were open all night, I'd usually go shopping at 11 pm or later. One of the biggest advantages is that it was far less common for people's kids to be running all over the store.

Another thing I liked was a little market that sold little else but vegetables and fruits. It was quite easy to get in and out of there without much aggravation.

I agree with OliveOilMom . . . feign illness. NTs can relate to physical pain. I also have to agree that your housemate will never "get it." He just won't. It's like trying to explain pain to someone whose never felt it. They have no baseline to compare it to.
And the grocery store . . . totally overloading. At least fifteen minutes is needed! But your roommate won't understand this because to him his presence and self expression by talking to you are as natural as breathing. I don't think he would comprehend that it is this that is bothersome. And he might be insulted by your request.
Is finding another roommate an option?

Something about this phrase disturbs me. Train him?

What exactly is the problem? Do you go grocery shopping together and he doesn't understand why you can't help him put groceries away? Do you go grocery shopping alone and he wants you to hang out with him when you get back? Are you two more than just roommates?

I don't get it, what does he do that prevents you from decompressing after grocery shopping?

Some suggestions?

At the grocery store:
* Use hearing protection or some portable music player.
* Make shopping lists so you can eliminate making choices in the grocery store.
* Look at the wares to avoid the eye contact.
* Bump into children, just don't let them fall or hurt themself.

At home:
* Use hearing protection?
* Wait with driving home, stay at park etc before driving the final bit.
* At home make an excuse to some other place like taking a walk in the forrest?
* Play the "headache" game.

Anything suitable?

Luckily here stores have started to have open to 22:00 at night, thats pretty late, not many years ago they would close at about 19:00

Its awesome to shop at that time near ten, there is just nobody in the entire store, the only downside is, your NEVER gonna get any of the stuff on sale and such, :S

There are two grocery stores in this county. The local grocery store is open Monday through Saturday and closes at 7. The grocery store in the county seat is open 7 days a week and closes at 8.

So glad I live in London. There's several choices of places to go, many open 24 hours.

To the OP - if it were me and he wasn't getting the hint, I would just say "I've told you many times. It's nothing personal against you, but I don't think you understand how much shopping stresses me out. I will come back and talk to you at [specify a time] and I'll help put the food away then." Then just go to your room, put some music on or do whatever calms you down and don't answer him. Maybe make a sign on your door that says "Do not disturb"?

I hate the grocery store... I probably go hungry a lot because I avoid it until I just can't manage anymore... I can't get delivery easily because I live in a country where I am uncomfortable speaking the language

i think some variation on glasstoria's suggestion is what i'll try next. there's a lane where i can park and have a few minutes of peace on the way home.

i've tried everything else! that's why i used the phrase "train him". i didn't mean to suggest anything derogatory or demeaning by that term. i'd like to find a way to positively reinforce good behavior in a way that works well for both of us.

i use all the means of self-preservation while in town that i will. tinted glasses, attempt to shop at a time with smaller crowds, lists, and i shop alone. taking the housemate with me would be grossly counterproductive!

the problem is when i get home. i know he's trying to be nice, and he helps me carry in the bags, but that's all i want for a few more minutes. he begins talking. he talks a lot in general, but when i just get in it can often be the "last straw" so to speak.
i've tried asking him for a few minutes to relax. he'll keep talking. i tried relating that i'm overwhelmed or that i feel a headache beginning. he'll keep talking. i tried telling him that he talks too much. he'll keep talking. i've tried telling him how giving me some time alone will allow me to feel better and i'll be more amiable and i'll welcome conversation sooner than if he brings me to the point of complete frustration. he'll keep talking.

he has, on rare occasion, talked for a minute, then seemed to realize that i'm not pleased with his wanting my last bit of attention i'm able to give before "shutdown", and left me alone. when he's done that, it has been so nice! i let him know how much i appreciate it, and i would think he'd learn to do that every time, but nooooooooo. most times it's back to the same thing of chattering on until i either ignore him, or demand in a less than congenial manner that he give me a few minutes......he'll keep talking for a few minutes then go do something.

i am guessing that to him those few minutes of small talk are polite or something not to be considered overwhelming, then he'll go. i have little sense of time to begin with, let alone when i'm overstimulated, so waiting for him to finish seems endless.
i can't seem to get him to bring in the groceries, then (in my utopian imagination) walk out and go do something for a bit until i am refreshed.

aside from getting another housemate, because we own the place together, i've exhausted all other options but the quiet time on the way home suggestion. i certainly will give that a try.

will nt's NEVER understand? really? i am hoping that maybe if/when i get my diagnosis that he'll at least understand it is part of a medical condition. i'm not realistic in that, huh? oy!

It's like asking a scorpion to stop stinging. It's just the way they are. However humans can suppress urges. But it requires will power.

If he hasn't gotten it by now, I don't think he will. Sounds like you're stuck with the situation though. You must be very close to your housemate to have bought a house with him. Are you friends? If so, it might be worth learning to tolerate his behaviour. Does he require you to respond to him? Maybe you could try tuning him out. Some people almost talk to themselves in a conversational way. This happens to me at work; people will be talking and I'll respond in a way I think is appropriate and it turns out they weren't really expecting a response.

The situation is complicated. I've been friends with him most of my life, to the point of being more like family now. I think that my efforts at tolerating his behavior has in some ways left me frustrated. I have always believed that tolerance and respect and good manners should be reciprocated, and since I've been trying more than I really feel I'm capable of doing, I have expectations of him doing the same for me, especially when it's something like this that I cannot learn to cope with.

He does the talking to himself thing often enough. I've never met another person who is as noisy as him. He talks to himself, hums to himself, snores and even talks in his sleep. He talks so much that I find myself trying to tune him out like background noise, then "get caught" not paying attention. Sometimes when he's talking to himself and I reply, he's baffled that I'm asking about what he's saying. I often can't tell when I'm supposed to pay attention to him or not!
But, yes, he's engaging conversation that I'm supposed to take interest in, and respond to when I get in from town. It's never anything urgent that couldn't wait 10 or 15 minutes. I wish he would wait.