Why did I not earlier ask why I am different?

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I need your help. I am writing an autobiographical article. I diagnosed myself 2½ years ago and feel I have come to a good understanding of aspergers and how it has affected my life. But there is one question I have a hard time answering in a satisfying way, so I need you to help me along. I have written the following and need a paragraph after this one to answer the question.

"A part of me is puzzled. I have gone through so much adversity. I have faced so many situations I did not understand. Yet I did not start wondering why I was different until in the late twenties and I did not realise that I am autistic until the age of 33. Why is it that pretty much all autistics diagnosed as adults has to go through so much before we reach the point where we start consciously to question our situation and search for an answer? Why did we not start considering the situation back when we started feeling different?"

I cannot adequately answer this. I have an idea, a feeling, as to why, but I cannot come up with something that clearly explains it to an outsider.

What is your answer to this question?

Hmm...

I think for me, it was because even though I was different, when I was a kid, I could always find people who didn't care that I was different, or at least wouldn't show that they cared. Like, I'd always had friends, but as I got older, the differences became much more apparent, and I just took it as most of humanity is just dumb(which I still do believe for the most part). I started to notice more and more, that, no matter what I would say, SOMEBODY would get offended by it, and the more I tried to explain what I really meant(because I often got misinterpreted, which by the way, I still get even around this place), the more pissed off they'd get. I never understood why. Then after my second girlfriend broke up with me(after much misinterpretation from her), I started to think maybe something was wrong with me. I still never really bothered to try and figure out why, as I had no idea where to even begin, so I sort of ignored it, but that was the first time I realized there was something truly different about me. it was no longer simply my preferences, but SOMETHING was honestly different.

Then I met someone who had aspergers, and I asked him to describe it to me. The way he would describe things, and just certain events/situations he was in, they sounded as though they could have come straight from my mouth instead of his. That's when I started to think maybe I was an aspie.

I'm not really sure WHY it worked out that way, other than I just thought "meh, whatever, everybody's different." That, and it might be that it simply takes a while for us to see the differences and really understand where they come from. I think it becomes much more apparent when we're adults because people change so much, and we seem to tend not to. I've heard of us being described as immature and childish, so I guess we don't mature the same way, or we're less likely to throw away things from our childhood just because we're adults. Like, I don't care if watching cartoons is "childish." it's much more interesting than all that cop drama, "reality," and ER medical soap opera/drama crap(and let's not forget all the sports) that the television is saturated with. But a lot of people will stop watching cartoons(or they just won't admit they still watch them, I'm not sure which) after a certain age just because now they're adults, and I guess society views adults watching cartoons as some terrible thing, which I never understood anyway because cartoons often have references that only adults would understand or even notice, for that matter.

I did not think about other people and kept to myself

Possibly because of not being very self aware. I was like a wild animal when I was young. I didn't even acknowledge other people like grocery store checkers or bus drivers. It wasn't that I was being rude or didn't like people. It was because I was withdrawn into my own world and it didn't occur to me to interact with other people, until one night when I got kicked off a bus for walking past the driver without saying anything. I was in my 20's then and that was when I realized that I could hurt people's feelings and make them mad. So I started being polite and nice to people.

It wasn't until I was in my 60's that I learned there were social rules that people followed. I thought I just needed to be nice and considerate to get along with other people and that eye contact was only needed for job interviews, because that's what I was told to do. I was aware that people sometimes made fun of me, I even overheard people say there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I felt I was flawed but at the same time I liked myself.

I managed to raise a daughter and two grandchildren by working a solitary night shift job for 25 years. In all those years I only missed 2 nights of work and got great performance reviews, even though I rarely came into contact with my boss or other employees. But I still wasn't very self aware. In all those years I always thought I would eventually be married and have a normal life, but I didn't know what to do to achieve that, the years went by and I'm still alone but I'm not unhappy.

I am 24 but didn't know about ASD until I was 22, even though I had lots of counselling for anxiety.

I knew I was shy which made me a bit awkward and anxious but I got sick and tired of struggling so much, especially as it was starting to hold me back professionally. I started to think there must be a better reason than anxiety and being a bit odd. It was by accident I was watching a TV show that had a kid with asperger's when it dawned on me.

I dug deeper and realised that I don't even think the same way to most people in a social situation. I feel like that part is just not there and I am fundamentally terrible at learning social skills, which is probably why they never developed naturally. After 2 years I have slowly built up my skills and I can act fairly normal, but it's not natural - I think "I should smile now" *smile*. Now that I am better at having a conversation, my confidence it better and I'm less anxious.

For me, it was a case of seeing the pieces of the puzzle, but not realising they were part of the same puzzle. I saw them as separate entities (except for the ones that were obviously connected) and, any time I was thinking about how I ticked, I wasn't able to see the whole picture. Here's a few of those 'unconnected' traits: clothing and light sensitivities; tendency to be bullied; tendency to unintentionally anger peers; inability to keep friends, once we've moved on physically, e.g. after leaving a school or a job; reading at 3yrs, but unable to concentrate on a novel or study; body position issues and inability to use mirrors effectively; severe social anxiety and avoidance tendencies; fear of phones, etc. I had no idea that they were all part of the same thing, until my daughter came along and I was trying to figure her out. Seeing it in black and white, it all made sense and suddenly clicked.

Last edited by Mummy_of_Peanut on 07 Nov 2012, 6:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

The unconscious recognises a potential upcoming crisis of ego
and forces the self to deflect ideas of difference away to protect the self
naaaaaaa.........................

For me it was just simply the fact i'd never heard of aspergers before... the week I learnt of aspergers, was the same week I admitted to myself that I was on the spectrum. Possibly the same instant in fact

Lack of education or legitimate discussion in all public forums and media is to blame. Still gubbermints throw a blanket over aspergers syndrome and keep public awareness down.....

Up until I heard of aspergers, I sought help many times from therapists over a 20yr period. They were all f**king useless and I found out on my own in the end

Sheep are funny creatures. If you raise a sheep with dogs, it will think it is a dog. A friend told a story of a pet sheep that would jump up in the back of the truck with the dogs, and stuck its head out the side in the wind[no tongue hanging out though] and also would run down the driveway to greet/inspect visitors to the property.... emulating his close companions
Cats always know their cats, most other creatures know they are who they are.....

On Planet Vulcan, the Vulcan mind warp destroyed out memories....

Yup, self-awareness issue I think. I was always in my own little world. And when "normal" people's behaviour baffled me, I'd be confused, but think that THEY were the odd ones. Special interests and constantly living "inside my own head" meant that I just didn't really notice. Maybe I didn't want to acknowledge it.

I think it slowly begins to dawn on you, after countless social faux pas and problems at work, or with relationships that there may be something not quite right. I was in my late twenties like you when I began to properly think something was up. And now my daughter's headteacher has said he thinks she has it, without knowing that I do (I've never met him).

I think maybe the people who are diagnosed from a young age, have been taken to a doctor when they displayed odd behaviours - the young aspie doesn't think they're odd. Nobody ever took me to a doctor, I was just accepted as a bit weird!

I think autistics get their self awareness later than most people - being developmentally delayed and all that.

In my case, I got diagnosed before I was aware I was autistic, so it was news to me that I was. It was later on that it hit me that I was different and I got depressed over it because it seemed like this was something that was too big to change.

I can answer that pretty simply for myself. I really do think the reason is almost always the same for almost all of us who don't figure this out until late in life. I know also that it could be easy to assume that the reason I do think it's the same is true for almost all of us, could just be the fact that I AM autistic and that I may only be projecting my own experience onto others, as we so often do (thus, AUTISM), but in this case I honestly believe this belief is the reality, and NOT just my autistic projection.

The reason?

We are TOLD all of our lives that our differences are because of our choices. Our attitudes. And we believe it. We do think "what's wrong with me?" but we think we really are making choices to be the way we are. If you're told something that isn't true by almost everyone around you, you'll have a stronger tendency to believe it.

I started questioning autism over ten years before Asperger's papers were first translated into English. I was told, "No way. There is no such thing as 'mild' autism." And that by a psychiatrist with twenty years experience. I never questioned it again until over twenty years later.

Same is true with ADD. On the website www.totallyadd.com somewhere is the question, "You mean I'm NOT crazy, lazy or stupid?" (or something like that)

Thanks all, for your answers. You have all helped me with your interesting answers and I am now ready to write a response to the question.

MrXxx, "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?" (words in different order) is the title of a book by Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. I purchased it when I first thought I was ADHD. It's great. Then I realised I'm autistic 2½ years ago and just a couple of months ago I concluded that ADD is also with me. After that I was told that ADD can pretty much be considered a natural follower of autism.

Link to book

Link to site that helped me remove doubt in regards to also having ADD

I knew something was "wrong."

This was due to three things:
- Rejection (constant) by friends
- Anger and unsolvable issues with parents
- People telling me that I had character issues.

I only became aware of those things in my teens, but it took a long time for me to put a name on it. I wandered and wanderd knowing something was up.

Then I found Asperger's and knew what it was.

I have only self-diagnosed very recently - September this year. Until then I hadn't even heard about such a condition as Asperger's Syndrome. So, it's just because of the lack of knowledge/ignorance that I didn't know I have (though not yet formally diagnosed) AS. If I had known about AS earlier, I would have surely suspected that I might have it. I had seen some incompetent psychologists who saw me about my anxiety, OCD etc, but failed to improve my condition. I accidentally read about AS on the Internet, went through the list of the symptoms/traits and realized that the list was pretty much describing me.

I knew I was somehow different all my life. Since kindergarten, through schools, uni and work, I have always felt out of place wherever there were people. It was as if something fundamental was missing in me. I could sense other people were regarding me as an alien or something. Some people were outright rude and hostile when I was being polite with all the good intentions. I felt very frustrated when my sheer presence made people angry without me having a chance to say much or when they didn't understand that I have normal human feelings and good intentions, too.

Sorry for grumbling in the second paragraph. I believe my first paragraph gives my answer to your question if it's not too late.

This.

For me, it is mostly because a) I didn't know about Asperger's until recently and b) I appear outwardly successful. I finished college (the first person in my family to do so). I have a job. I am married. But no one sees my inner turmoil, so I thought it was all in my head. No one understands how difficult it is for me to maintain this outward appearance of success. They don't know that I struggle to maintain my (part-time) job, that my marriage is fraught with miscommunication, and that I don't have any friends. No one recognizes how hard it is to be someone else all the time. Then when you finally voice your suspicions to your family and they immediately dismiss the idea, or (like in the case of my husband) accuse you of lying to them the whole time, you begin to doubt yourself anew.

I'm still waiting for a diagnosis. Even if I receive one (which I expect I will), I know that I will still doubt myself, and still have difficulty stopping blaming myself. And if I am not given a diagnosis, where does it leave me then? Even more confused than before.

I realised i had asperger when i was around 32 something till then i didnt feel anything wrong with me....probably for the simple reason because i never thought about what people thought about me.
Even if people told me so and so was saying so and so thing behind my back i would brush it off and keep doing silly things.

Actually my parents are eccentric and entire distant family is eccentric with lots of suicide, divorce and abuses.
As a child people would talk with me, i could make a single friend but couldnt continue relationship once i moved
out of college or shifted to new location.

But when i was in my 30's my life came to a standstill...i was kicked out of a job which i valued so much, i neighbours stopped talking with me, they started bullying me, next 3 years of my life i was just sitting at home, grumbling, complaining, contemplating, and going into depression. Online research revealed i have all symptoms of AS.

And after lot of research and self help i gathered courage to find a job a part time job where i am working from a year now....but yes i have severe social interaction issues there.

I dont have any friends, my relationship with my parents are distant, i dont have social life and most of the people avoid me.
i have a tough time handling my kid and i am frustrated most of the time.

That's so true. We only know reality as we experience it, so we project our way of perceiving onto other people. Maybe that's why some of us seem so naive and get taken advantage of easily.

Actually I have for many years felt an affinity with autistic people, even before I knew very much about autism. I guess that's because I knew I was different and isolated from other people. Some years ago I was browsing in the magazine section of a book store and and I came across a research article in Scientific American or Discover, I'm not sure which magazine it was, but it was about a new theory that Autism was caused by a hyper-systemizing extreme male brain. I immediately became offended and worried. I thought it could not possibly be true because I did not have an extreme male brain, The funny thing is I don't know why I was so offended, because at the time I didn't actually consider myself to be actually autistic. And even funnier is the fact that if I had been looking at fashion magazines or such instead of in the science section I wouldn't have come across that article in the first place. I do have a hyper-systemizing brain. I perseverate, I'm a bit nerdy. I didn't really associate those qualities with autism, but at some level of awareness I must have considered myself to be actually autistic.