Accountability and Self Punishment

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After an in depth conversation with a friend I realized that the gap between what I am able to achieve and what people require of me is bridged with an embarrassing amount of self punishment. The self punishment being berating emotional abuse geared at myself. Somewhere along the road of being somebody with ASD and Anoxia related brain damage I somehow made this connection that I should punish myself if my best isnt enough to make people's needs feel heard/significant. I'm also not sure if Im dealing with imposter syndrome or if I am somehow really selfish and stingy and blame all my short comings on my disabilities and punish myself as some kind of get out of jail free card. My partner was the one to suggest that last possibility which makes me confused if I'm a good person or not or if I give them too much power over my self image but maybe I'm deceiving myself. How on earth are you supposed to know if you're tricking yourself?

for example I have always had a difficult time remembering things like turning lights off. Our new roommate is very aware of everything and to me its somewhere between a talent of theirs, a magical gift, and potentially a compulsion that is going to get me "in trouble". Haven't decided yet because bottom line is Ive never been able to do that even for my own pride or the love of others. I'm trying my "best" but I'm still catching myself making tons of mistakes and I'm not sure what to do if my "best" really isn't good enough. Is it that my best is a lie I'm telling myself? Is it important that I acknowledge that its my best and try to be kind to myself or is that in of itself a huge disservice to the people I care about? Do I tell people that I'm sorry?

explaining how much I care and why I'm having a hard time or that I'm trying really hard makes NT people feel angry towards me which makes sense, but is my disability an "excuse"? I dont understand. I always thought that A. people want to know that you're trying and care. B. That punishing and distressing yourself over your failure proves that you care? As most people with ASD, I'm desperate for friendship and to be liked/loved/accepted. I cant imagine that wouldn't be enough to motivate me to give everything of myself for other people and if I dont, then why? I also wonder if this is a symptom of having a partner who pushes me so hard to be better at everything because they think I'm capable of more. I've pissed myself more than once because I forgot my house keys, and yet I still regularly loose my house keys? That doesn't seem like somebody who is deceiving themselves and the people around them, or who is being lazy.

TLDR; Have a fairly severe memory problem and super conflicted and paranoid about accountability and that I'm either not placing enough or placing too much importance on other peoples opinions of me and what my "best" looks like.
Thanks for your time and any responses/experiences you have.