The Question "How are you?"

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Does anyone have any mechanisms with dealing with this question? I really dislike it because its one of the NT catch-questions that is designed to provoke a positive response, regardless of how you genuinely feel.

If you are honest and give a negative answer, they act offended.

The response I give now is "Oh, same as usual" it always throws them

I answer awkwardly "you know.. Same old"

The probing stops there.

I've learned to just say something non-committal like "Fine..." and let it go in one word. It's what's expected, nothing more, and not worth fussing over.
When someone asks that question without sitting you down and looking all serious, they don't really want to know the answer - it's just some sort of ritual greeting thing.

I have used things like "I died yesterday" or "Hang on, I'll check... Yep, fine" but it's often not worth the effort of explaining how it was, y'know... a joke.
When a ritualistic, empty question is not followed by the ritualistic, empty reply - some people get really, really confused.

I just say I am fine to get it over with.

I usually just reply fine. Occasionally I will just ignore someone who asks me that and doesn't even look at me or walks quickly past me while asking it.

I just say "I'm good", usually if someone asks me that question, they're trying to have a conversation with me. :p

I sometimes answer with an honest and detailed response, much to the questioner's annoyance.

On a similar thread, my neighbor often asks "what's up?" This is one I have a lot of trouble with. Is he asking what I have been doing lately? Or how I am feeling? Or a general question about my take on current events? I assume he's actually not asking anything; he's just making noise to be friendly, so I respond with some other vague friendly noise that doesn't mean anything.

I usually say "I don't know", but I don't recommend that.

Generally your answer should be proportionate to your relationship with the person.

If your just meeting someone, you should avoid answering in the negative unless you have an exact reason. Of course, if someone said "how are you" and your friend died last night, it would be ok to say not so good.

If you have a good friendship, you can answer honestly, but I find still that harping on the same problems can wear people down.

My dad's favorite response, esp when he obviously wasn't ok, was "I'm in good shape for the shape I'm in". He'd say it cheerfully with a smile, and it had the virtue of being the truth. "Can't complain" is also another good stock response.

It has been my experience that anything short with a positive upbeat spin is an acceptable response. It is also a good idea to add a heartfelt "how are you?" and listen patiently to their reply. Remember, folks remember how you made them feel long than what you actually said, so make them feel valued and that you care, especially if you are talking with a co-worker.

Friends and family are more likely to want to hear the truth.

_________________
If it don't come easy . . . .
. . . .hack it until it works right

Aspie score: 142/200 NT score: 64/200
AQ Score: 42
BAP: 109 aloof, 94 rigid and 85 pragmatic

I use George Carlin style responses, like "I'm not dead" or "I am historically a-OK!"

I usually actually answer the question instead of saying fine. I imagine it drives people crazy.

A: Hi! How are you?

B: Alexithymic, and you?

A: What's alexithymic?

B: It means, I don't know how I feel - and I wish you wouldn't ask.

In real life, usually I just look confused, and shake my head or shrug my shoulders and mutter something dismissive, with the unspoken meaning "I wish you wouldn't ask".

I am not very good at faking smiles and upbeat responses. Life requires enough acting as it is.

I (nt) answer the 'how's it goin'' question with... same old - it's not that unusual

Most NT's use it as a generic greeting and don't actually want to know the true answer. I however, am a firm believer in the philosophy of not asking a question that you don't really want to know the answer to. I try to practice this on a regular basis with my students. If I ask a question and get an honest answer, even if it is one that I didn't expect or particularly like, I still respect them for being honest and do not get offended. In my everyday life, I do occasionally use this expression (more out of habit), but still try to stick to the previously stated philosophy. If someone answers my "How's it going?" with a genuine answer, regardless of how well I know them, I do try to take the time to listen. After all, I did ask the question. As a NT I generally have two ways that I answer to this question. I say that "I am fine" and then return the question, if in fact I am doing fine or I say "I have been better", if I am anything other than fine. If they probe I will elaborate and if not I leave it at that.