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equestriatola
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22 Dec 2012, 11:10 pm

I seem to be jealous of most everyone somehow, and I am wondering, is this an Aspie trait?

My NT sister is getting married, and I seem to be jealous because she seems to be ahead of me. Now, I don't want to cause a scene there, and I need help about my 'jealousy' problem. Any solutions?


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windtreeman
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22 Dec 2012, 11:31 pm

I can't say if this is an Aspie trait but I've always been a very untrusting and jealous person :/. It's definitely not a part of my personality that I'm proud of. I think, for me, it's less jealousy in relation to other people's monetary success, but rather, their social success (like you said, I think). I'm jealous when friends get together but forget to invite me, was jealous when my girlfriend was flattered by another person's attention, and, actually, am somewhat jealous that my younger sister is engaged as well. That said, I'm very good at concealing it and therefore, don't cause any harm in friendships or relationships - not that I've had many of the former and only one of the latter, ha! I wish I had a solution so I'm all ears for anyone else's input.


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equestriatola
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22 Dec 2012, 11:32 pm

windtreeman wrote:
I can't say if this is an Aspie trait but I've always been a very untrusting and jealous person :/. It's definitely not a part of my personality that I'm proud of. I think, for me, it's less jealousy in relation to other people's monetary success, but rather, their social success (like you said, I think). I'm jealous when friends get together but forget to invite me, was jealous when my girlfriend was flattered by another person's attention, and, actually, am somewhat jealous that my younger sister is engaged as well. That said, I'm very good at concealing it and therefore, don't cause any harm in friendships or relationships - not that I've had many of the former and only one of the latter, ha! I wish I had a solution so I'm all ears for anyone else's input.


Myself too. Thank you; it is good to hear that I am not alone.


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23 Dec 2012, 12:27 am

It's a human trait and some people have more problems with it than others they act all crazy about it like resent you for something because they envy you so much or try and sabotage your work, or try and destroy someone's relationship or friendship or do it, or they just simply try and make you feel bad. I think it causes an impairment for some because it effects them and others around them because of how they handle it.


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23 Dec 2012, 12:30 am

equestriatola wrote:
...My NT sister is getting married, and I seem to be jealous because she seems to be ahead of me. Now, I don't want to cause a scene there, and I need help about my 'jealousy' problem. Any solutions?


I'll go with you.



2wheels4ever
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23 Dec 2012, 12:38 am

I'll say this; as I've heard it defined: jealousy is the sense of once having had something and wanting it back whereas envy is never having had it in the first place. It does tie in with something like having once had a fiancee, and losing that took away the possibility of ever getting married to that person. So there's that, and I can totally feel the same frustation as OP at continually getting passed over when it comes to nearly every milestone in life, with the added burden of having a mother that sighs and moans "oh how I wish I had grandchildren" almost daily. But as Doc Love puts it "if they like you they'll help you"

To take a little of the sting out of it all, I can only suggest to start living your dream in bite-size realistic sections. Taking serious action to come out to LA for good, in a way that makes your family want to brag on their "star" would be a decent compromise - might never totally happen that way but whatever it takes to get you to a place (physically and metaphorically) where you look forward to waking up every day, should be the main agenda. Besides, for all anyone knows, your sister getting married may turn out to be a bad choice for everyone concerned, further down the line


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23 Dec 2012, 12:56 am

Many people with AS are not very successful socially and I think it's natural for them to be jealous of socially successful people. In that sense I think it can be said that jealousy is a secondary trait of people with AS. I can relate to your jealousy. I would say I am 99% happy for my siblings' successful relationships etc, and 1% jealous. Their happiness truly matters to me. I don't think I can offer an effective solution to your problem, but I think if you think about your sibling's happiness, then, your jealousy can be canceled out by that, can't it? After all she is kind of part of your life. I also sometimes think that because I am a fundamentally different kind of person from the majority (because of AS, though not officially diagnosed yet), I don't have to have the same kind of social success that other people are to have. I have my own ways. So maybe you can try and seek your own happiness rather than thinking about other people's. That's my way, any way. Sorry if it doesn't make sense to you.



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23 Dec 2012, 6:49 am

I'm a very jealous person.

I often get obsessed by things that other people have, and it becomes my mission to have one. (Fortunately I have a good job, so can mostly keep myself happy in that regard)

I don't like it when my OH goes out with his friends, as I get jealous.

I get jealous of other people at work that socialise together. (Go out for lunch etc)

It's all hidden under my facade though, nobody knows what goes on inside my head.



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23 Dec 2012, 7:15 am

I get jelous when:
-I see that other people are more socially successful than me;
-I see someone else talking with one of my friends;
-I see someone else talking with someone I would like to be friend with.


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equestriatola
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23 Dec 2012, 7:48 am

2wheels4ever wrote:
I'll say this; as I've heard it defined: jealousy is the sense of once having had something and wanting it back whereas envy is never having had it in the first place. It does tie in with something like having once had a fiancee, and losing that took away the possibility of ever getting married to that person. So there's that, and I can totally feel the same frustation as OP at continually getting passed over when it comes to nearly every milestone in life, with the added burden of having a mother that sighs and moans "oh how I wish I had grandchildren" almost daily. But as Doc Love puts it "if they like you they'll help you"

To take a little of the sting out of it all, I can only suggest to start living your dream in bite-size realistic sections. Taking serious action to come out to LA for good, in a way that makes your family want to brag on their "star" would be a decent compromise - might never totally happen that way but whatever it takes to get you to a place (physically and metaphorically) where you look forward to waking up every day, should be the main agenda. Besides, for all anyone knows, your sister getting married may turn out to be a bad choice for everyone concerned, further down the line


What kind of 'actions' can I take towards moving to L.A., on that note?


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23 Dec 2012, 11:47 am

I'm an extremely envious person. I'll envy things that people have even when those things are negative. It doesn't matter whether something is good or bad, I'll envy someone for having it just the same.



2wheels4ever
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23 Dec 2012, 11:56 am

equestriatola wrote:
2wheels4ever wrote:
I'll say this; as I've heard it defined: jealousy is the sense of once having had something and wanting it back whereas envy is never having had it in the first place. It does tie in with something like having once had a fiancee, and losing that took away the possibility of ever getting married to that person. So there's that, and I can totally feel the same frustation as OP at continually getting passed over when it comes to nearly every milestone in life, with the added burden of having a mother that sighs and moans "oh how I wish I had grandchildren" almost daily. But as Doc Love puts it "if they like you they'll help you"

To take a little of the sting out of it all, I can only suggest to start living your dream in bite-size realistic sections. Taking serious action to come out to LA for good, in a way that makes your family want to brag on their "star" would be a decent compromise - might never totally happen that way but whatever it takes to get you to a place (physically and metaphorically) where you look forward to waking up every day, should be the main agenda. Besides, for all anyone knows, your sister getting married may turn out to be a bad choice for everyone concerned, further down the line


What kind of 'actions' can I take towards moving to L.A., on that note?


Shifting your life to where you feel you ought to be - with the caveat of "wherever you go, there you are" (meaning a geographic change won't instantly 'cure' any loneliness, resentments or other issues you face). Doing what you can to plug yourself in with a support structure, making connections that lead to friendships and job prospects. The ideal path would be to transfer studies to UCLA or Cal State Northridge if possible. Otherwise if you plan to pursue show business you can establish new roots in the area by making the rounds shopping your demo if you have one, and scouting out where you might actually want to live, on each visit you make.


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23 Dec 2012, 12:08 pm

jk1 wrote:
Many people with AS are not very successful socially and I think it's natural for them to be jealous of socially successful people. In that sense I think it can be said that jealousy is a secondary trait of people with AS. I can relate to your jealousy. I would say I am 99% happy for my siblings' successful relationships etc, and 1% jealous. Their happiness truly matters to me. I don't think I can offer an effective solution to your problem, but I think if you think about your sibling's happiness, then, your jealousy can be canceled out by that, can't it? After all she is kind of part of your life. I also sometimes think that because I am a fundamentally different kind of person from the majority (because of AS, though not officially diagnosed yet), I don't have to have the same kind of social success that other people are to have. I have my own ways. So maybe you can try and seek your own happiness rather than thinking about other people's. That's my way, any way. Sorry if it doesn't make sense to you.


This.

That's a really good point at the end. From what I read, it's not just aspies who have trouble finding their own happiness but many NTs as well. I was taught at a young age to take care of others before myself and that finding my own happiness is selfish. When in reality, being selfish about your own happiness can help you help others even better. I don't know it seems to be a common way of life sadly enough.

I'm not sure how being happy relates to jealousy, but perhaps it does in our case. I guess it helps to look at what you have instead of looking at what you don't.

As for solutions, I'm working on that myself... Ask me later so I can help. Right now I'm reading about positive psychology and how positivity comes first, success comes later not the reverse.



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23 Dec 2012, 1:09 pm

I've always been a very jealous person aswell. It's seem to have got a hold of me, because I am generally a kind and thoughtful person, but I can have angry outbursts when I feel jealous of somebody. I don't show the person that I am jealous of them, but I do get upset about them when they're not there.

I have been getting really jealous feelings ever since I was about 11 or 12. I was at the age where I knew I was missing out on a lot of social stuff, like staying round friend's houses, hanging out with friends on light evenings, and doing other activities with friends like meeting up on Saturdays and going bowling and stuff. Well, that's what the majority of people of that age do (and their teens) and I just had no-one to do that with. All my cousins that were my age or older, were all starting to go out and about with friends and so didn't have any time for me any more, and so I just found myself hanging out with my younger cousins. But as I got older, they got older too, and they got to that age where they started hanging out with friends. And I just got so jealous of my cousins for having groups of friends to hang out with. I hated it. I still get jealous now, because all my cousins go out in the evenings and I feel that I should, although deep down it's not my thing, and I just wish it wasn't my cousin's thing either.

I don't know if it's an Aspie trait or not. When I talk to people about getting glares from other women in public, the answer is usually ''most probably they are jealous of you for being attractive or slim''. I don't know if this is a lie or not, since I have got this cliche from other Aspies aswell (on WP).


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equestriatola
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23 Dec 2012, 5:17 pm

deltafunction wrote:
jk1 wrote:
Many people with AS are not very successful socially and I think it's natural for them to be jealous of socially successful people. In that sense I think it can be said that jealousy is a secondary trait of people with AS. I can relate to your jealousy. I would say I am 99% happy for my siblings' successful relationships etc, and 1% jealous. Their happiness truly matters to me. I don't think I can offer an effective solution to your problem, but I think if you think about your sibling's happiness, then, your jealousy can be canceled out by that, can't it? After all she is kind of part of your life. I also sometimes think that because I am a fundamentally different kind of person from the majority (because of AS, though not officially diagnosed yet), I don't have to have the same kind of social success that other people are to have. I have my own ways. So maybe you can try and seek your own happiness rather than thinking about other people's. That's my way, any way. Sorry if it doesn't make sense to you.


This.

That's a really good point at the end. From what I read, it's not just aspies who have trouble finding their own happiness but many NTs as well. I was taught at a young age to take care of others before myself and that finding my own happiness is selfish. When in reality, being selfish about your own happiness

can help you help others even better. I don't know it seems to be a common way of life sadly enough.

I'm not sure how being happy relates to jealousy, but perhaps it does in our case. I guess it helps to look at what you have instead of looking at what you don't.

As for solutions, I'm working on that myself... Ask me later so I can help. Right now I'm reading about positive psychology and how positivity comes first, success comes later not the reverse.


I sure will seek my own happiness. :)


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Feel free to talk to me, if you wish. :)

Every day is a gift- cherish it!

"A true, true friend helps a friend in need."