Autistic Aunt & Neurotypical Niece problems here

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Cruella
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25 Dec 2012, 10:47 pm

I didn't know where else to put this topic! Is there not a subsection for autistic people raising or helping to raise non-autistic younger people?

My NT niece is 17, 18 in April. I am 47, 48 in January. Niece is my sister's first child. Sis and I are sororal twins. My siblings and I were raised abusively, and my sister alternates between thinking she can do no wrong because she isn't our mother and thinking she knows nothing and that I should raise her kids. I've done a lot to raise them. I try to give my children and my siblings' children amazing lives, to be the type of loving parent I didn't have. Niece has never been one to show appreciation in gushy ways, at least not to me, and that's fine, but she flat-out bullies me. I said nothing about it when she was a kid, she seemed to grow out of it, and now she's back to it and meaner than ever.

She is very socially manipulative. I can't compete with that. She figures out who will and won't defend me or tell her to stop, and she works it so that she embarrasses me publicly in front of people who won't defend me. She has introduced me to friends of hers as her ret****d aunt,, she has lied to people about me being her mentally challenged aunt she takes care of, she tries to keep this lie up by confusing me and saying, "You don't GET anything!" to me around these people, she is able to cause other teenagers to join in bullying me, she tells me she can't like me because she's smarter than me, she gets one of her brothers who wants to be in her favor to say similar things, she pulls stunt after stunt to make me look bad in front of a small town, I moved back this weekend and a little over 24 hours after moving back, I told her she was causing me to want to leave again, to which she said, "BYE!" and smirked, she directly tells me she doesn't want to be friends with me, she got a sketch book for Christmas and made a big deal of drawing her friends and not me, et cetera, et cetera ...

Her mother sides with her on this. I have given this girl nothing but love. She was permitted to live with me and chose not to. She doesn't get along with her mother at all, and from ages eleven to sixteen, she did get along with me. I thought we were fine. I wasn't even gone a full year and I kept in touch with her, trying to help her while she went behind my back lying about me.

She knows she has the social advantages, so she does what she wants. I don't think this is just a teenager phase. I have a daughter who adores me and is only a few months older than my niece. One of my niece's brothers adores me. The other probably has no opinion of me, but he isn't vicious toward me. I know plenty of young people, and the only ones vicious to me are the ones who follow her lead. Not even her girlfriend follows her lead. Her girlfriend doesn't know all the crap she pulls. By the way, if anyone is bigoted toward my niece for being gay, I'm fierce - because I believe in justice! Can't she at least show me respect? I'm not asking her to crusade, I just want her to stop harassing me and I would like to be friends again. I feel like I failed her and I've never been able to figure out how.



MountainLaurel
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25 Dec 2012, 11:04 pm

Cruella, I'm so sorry to hear your story. You did not fail your niece. Perhaps the only way to understand this is to consider that she may have a personality disorder.

I'm glad to hear that your own daughter is loving. Spare yourself. Stay away from your niece as much as is practical and comfortable. Try not to dwell on her behavior; every time you think of some wrong she has done, say "no" to that thought and turn your attention to your daughter.

As for being back in the small town; folks in general, see demeaning behavior for what it is; ugly behavior. It may not always seem so because often folks are so taken aback when they see that kind of behavior, they simply recoil and do not confront it.

I also have an abusive niece. She lives in a far away state and does not badmouth me. But I have witnessed her throw horrible scenes with her boyfriend and her mother (my sister). Scenes unprecipitated by nothing but my niece's own self-centeredness and rage. It's painful to witness, because she is so out of control, I fear she will self destruct. Such people exist; in my niece's case I find her to be an extreme narcissist.

I see this thread has been moved. I think that it would not be out of line to post this sort of thread on the Parents forum as an alternative in the future if you wish; there are many wise responders there.

All my best to you.



BlueAbyss
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26 Dec 2012, 12:04 am

I agree with a lot of what MountainLaurel says. I'm sorry she treats you that way. You don't deserve or need that, and to have to put up with it after your own childhood abuse seems doubly wrong. I would tell her that if she is going to be abusive she need not have contact with me. If she wants contact, she must be civil. I don't know what else you can do, and yes, it's possible it's a personality disorder. It seems inordinately manipulative and cruel.

But your post also reads as if her mother may be somewhat inconsistent in her parenting, so maybe that's part of the problem.

I also agree that what you see as others believing her or not defending you might be their shock at her behavior and being too polite to say or do anything in response. I know I would likely be speechless to hear an acquaintance's niece or nephew behave that way - at first. But I also don't tolerate that kind of behavior well and would wind up having to say something to the person doing it. If I could think of something to say.

Again I'm so sorry. That is just wrong.


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Cruella
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28 Dec 2012, 8:29 pm

I cannot cut her out of my life, nor do I want to. We are currently residing under the same roof, and were we not, we would still need to keep in contact.



daydreamer84
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28 Dec 2012, 8:44 pm

You should tell her that if she continues to treat you the way she does she won't be welcome in your house and won't be a part of your life any more . You can give her another chance but tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and she is not allowed to call you names or tell people you are mentally challenged or don't get things or to lie or manipulate you in any way. If her behaviour doesn't cease after you have talked to her about this and clearly warned her about the potential consequences of her behaviour then you must cut her out of your life (otherwise you'll just continue to be used).



Cruella
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28 Dec 2012, 8:55 pm

I am under my sister's roof and have been for six days that seem much longer. I'll be here probably until March. Point is, this isn't my house. My sister, whose parenting was correctly described as inconsistent, lets her daughter get away with everything one day and takes away all her things the next.



daydreamer84
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28 Dec 2012, 9:14 pm

Cruella wrote:
I am under my sister's roof and have been for six days that seem much longer. I'll be here probably until March. Point is, this isn't my house. My sister, whose parenting was correctly described as inconsistent, lets her daughter get away with everything one day and takes away all her things the next.


Maybe you could talk to your sister and tell her how much her daughter's bullying is hurting you and how she needs to be more consistent with her daughter. I don't know if it would work but that's all I can think of to do if you have to live with them.