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Jamesy
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31 Dec 2012, 9:51 am

Why are neurotypicals so intolerant of social awkwardness? Just saying why take life so seriously instead of judging people



BTDT
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31 Dec 2012, 10:04 am

It is misinterpreted as a sign of disrespect.



izzeme
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31 Dec 2012, 10:07 am

a lot of neurotypicals are unaware of the effect an ASD has on a person, and therefor interprets the lack of social ability as "lazy", "disrespectful" or even "intolerant" back at us.



Chris71
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31 Dec 2012, 11:02 am

Because social anxiety gives a cold impression that you don't want to connect with others.
People feel good with other people that give off a certain warmness, the feeling that you are not alone, the feeling that you are both willing to come out of your own world and interests and listen to the interests of others.
If I don't get social engagement for some time I get depressed. Once I've chatted to some people I feel refreshed again. People like to think that they could have some chit-chat with you too, if you can show a warm or inviting willing to connect with them. If you have social anxiety then it will look like you don't want them to talk to you, so you get left out.
It is not intolerance to social awkwardness. That is how it may feel from your perspective.
It is the appearance you probably give off (from having anxiety) that says "leave me alone please".
Humor is a good tool to overcome this, if you can drop a few pre-prepared anecdotes that may be relevant, then smile and mention you have some anxiety around groups of people then they will understand that you want to make an effort and they will do most of the talking and give you a much easier time. Unless they are really a$$holes .



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31 Dec 2012, 12:07 pm

In regards to the last post, actually at times, I don't want to connect with others but only if they wish to socialise at a time that I do not feel in a social frame of mind or I am otherwise preoccupied with my hobbies and do not wish to be disturbed from them.

The latter has more to do with my inability to shift my focus that quickly if the social interaction is unplanned or I have not had any warning. This can make me appear aloof as I attempt to get my brain to move from one mindset to another (ie from hobby mode to social mode). I can appear rather distracted by my own thoughts at that time.

Catch me at the right moment and I may be happy to connect though. However, I also get social anxiety so this can make me appear aloof as well, at least until I get to know someone well and can relax around them.

The biggest problem I find when it comes to socialising is that most don't understand how exhausting the process is for me. For that reason I can only cope with it in short bursts (with a few exceptions) before becoming exhausted and having to go home and sleep/rest/potter around doing my own thing to recharge. They take my wanting to leave or be on my own for a while as a rejection I think.

Also because I mix up my words when nervous they tend to read this as my being slow so tend to talk to me like I am a 5 year old imbecile which actually makes me want to retreat back into my own world again where I don't have to put up with being constantly patronised.

I feel in someways they judge your overall worth and level of intelligence and skill in all areas based simply on how you present yourself socially and its irritating.

As to why they do this, or why they are not accepting of social awkwardness I am not sure. The post above me makes sense and explains some thing but there are probably other reasons as well.



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31 Dec 2012, 1:28 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Why are neurotypicals so intolerant of social awkwardness? Just saying why take life so seriously instead of judging people


I think because they feel the need to socialise so strongly, they can't understand someone who is different and making yourself different singles you out as not normal in some way. Animals will also ostracise others of their kind that they perceive are different from them in some way. Maybe it's a genetic alarm bell to them.


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PTSmorrow
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31 Dec 2012, 1:53 pm

Many NTs can't understand social awkwardness because they learn social behavior without thinking about it. It comes like breathing and they don't need to analyze nor understand it. Much more a reflexive behavior than learned skills. Thus, a person who does not understand those unspoken rules is suspicious to them and an outsider in the social world. Conclusion based upon the explanations of my NT sister.



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31 Dec 2012, 5:17 pm

PTSmorrow wrote:
Many NTs can't understand social awkwardness because they learn social behavior without thinking about it. It comes like breathing and they don't need to analyze nor understand it. Much more a reflexive behavior than learned skills. Thus, a person who does not understand those unspoken rules is suspicious to them and an outsider in the social world. Conclusion based upon the explanations of my NT sister.


Yeah, that.

And a few, very influential-of-higher-ups types will think I'm stuck up when I want to do something else other than socialize every time I have a choice.


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hanyo
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31 Dec 2012, 5:49 pm

Chris71 wrote:
Because social anxiety gives a cold impression that you don't want to connect with others.


I don't want to connect with others. I'd rather just be left alone.



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31 Dec 2012, 5:57 pm

I'm not so sure they just misunderstand it. Maybe I sound bitter, but I think a lot of the time they see weakness and try to expel the "weak" individual from their group, the way wolves might. Maybe they see a threat (awkwardness as a sign of potential violence?) or maybe they just see a "disease", but it looks to me more often like that than like an interpretation of awkwardness as some sort of rejection.



IDontGetIt
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31 Dec 2012, 6:11 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Why are neurotypicals so intolerant of social awkwardness? Just saying why take life so seriously instead of judging people


Because they need constant reassurance that they fit in with the group. Part of this is identifying those who don't seem to fit in in some way and isolating them in order to feel more secure in the group.



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31 Dec 2012, 6:55 pm

IDontGetIt wrote:
Jamesy wrote:
Why are neurotypicals so intolerant of social awkwardness? Just saying why take life so seriously instead of judging people


Because they need constant reassurance that they fit in with the group. Part of this is identifying those who don't seem to fit in in some way and isolating them in order to feel more secure in the group.


Yes, I think that may be the biggest reason. It's a way of saying: "hey, look at how similar to you I am, unlike that guy - I can recognise that he's not like you, because I'm one of you".



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31 Dec 2012, 11:33 pm

Jamesy wrote:
Why are neurotypicals so intolerant of social awkwardness? Just saying why take life so seriously instead of judging people

They fear what they do not understand.


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emimeni
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01 Jan 2013, 1:30 am

Nonperson wrote:
I'm not so sure they just misunderstand it. Maybe I sound bitter, but I think a lot of the time they see weakness and try to expel the "weak" individual from their group, the way wolves might. Maybe they see a threat (awkwardness as a sign of potential violence?) or maybe they just see a "disease", but it looks to me more often like that than like an interpretation of awkwardness as some sort of rejection.


I think most people truly just don't get it. They think you are odd, but then realize you are odd with everyone, and get on with their day. It's just human nature to remember the bullies.


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01 Jan 2013, 2:13 am

Murderface wrote:
They fear what they do not understand.


Seconded.


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Kairi96
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01 Jan 2013, 12:35 pm

Quote:
Why are neurotypicals so intolerant of social awkwardness?

Because for most people not being able to interact means being a misanthrope. Or at least, it has been like this in my experience: since I'm very moody, there are days in which I don't want to interact with others, and other days in which I want to. In the days I don't want to, people think I'm a misanthrope. In the other days in which I do want to interact, but I can't due to my lack of social skills, people think I'm a creepy psychopath, and don't want to interact with me. Plus, due to my mood that changes so frequently, among people there's the belief that I'm "bipo" or "schitzo".


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