Gahh this topic is so relevant to me!
For some reason, I really, really enjoy the feeling of sadness/despair/whatever it is. Especially that feeling in my chest and upper abdomen, I don't understand why I enjoy it myself.
However, I DO NOT enjoy the reasons for these feelings, the root causes, so I do not seek out bad experiences. I only enjoy the feeling. It's odd, it still feels painful, but there is something so wonderful about it. I would never tell my therapists I do this since I fear it (along with the fact that my emotions tend to be very reactionary and short-term) would discredit any negative experience I have just because I'm able to enjoy it on some way and that they would try to take this intense enjoyment away from me. I also fear they would see me like I'm faking everything, some special snowflake who wants to be flawed and mentally unstable. I do not like at all that I am a horrible, pathetic person and I would MUCH rather be closer to my ideal self, but I can enjoy the feelings it induces in myself when they happen.
My whole life, even as a child, I've sought out this feeling though through daydreams. I like to imagine I am a character I like and horrible, horrible things happen to me. Horrible, depressing, torturous scenarios that make me cry and feel such despair. It is so embarrassing that I am explaining this but I got started so...But I do it. I once created a topic on this forum earlier about it, a few people replied to it but I never managed to get myself to reply to them because I have horrible self-discipline so I am sorry for the people who wasted their time to reply to it, do know that I read your replies though.
I think it is rather healthy I seek out these feelings through daydreams, since, well, what if I actually sought out bad experiences? That would obviously be a bad thing!
There are also a few more physical experiences that are negative that I am able to enjoy, like for some reason I really like the feeling of light-headedness.
Nonperson wrote:
Sometimes I do. It sounds like too simple a reason, but it is just interesting.
Ca2MgFe5Si8O22OH2 wrote:
on some level many of us suffer because we want to, because it's a rich experience even if it's a horrible one.
I can understand this too, I find intense experiences so interesting. I am able to view any non-embarrassing negative experience as something positive to look back on and study.
I long for intense experiences because they're interesting, even if they're negative. I do not seek them out, if they happen, they happen. I do not like the bad things that happen, but I can appreciate how interesting it is that it did. I find the experience of sleep paralysis incredibly unpleasant and frightening and I always want it over with as soon as possible when it happens, but when it hasn't happened in a long time I quite long for the interesting experiences it brings.
I do not like that I hate myself. I want to love myself, I want to be confident and achieve things.
I do not believe I am like this because I want to be.
07 Jan 2013, 1:08 pm
