NT looking for advice about Aspie Husband.

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Hello all,

I am in a mostly happy marriage of 2 years with my sweet husband. Like any relationship we habe had our ups and downs. Inititially when we met there was no diagnosis -i just assumed he was a quiet shy nerdy guy. After we martied we had our forst real argument. He exploded- hit himself in the head and screamed- it wa spretty frightening. After he apologized and felt bad. Coming from an abusive past this scared me enough to ask jim to see a therapist- this was when he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Its been a real blessing for me as I can now modify my actions and voice my needs in a way he can understand. Its been a huge learning process for me, but I love him and know he loves me and we want to make this work. We can nirmally discuss most things, but lately things have become tense again with another meltdown. He lost his job a few months ago and has stopped looking altogether now. He feels that when I ask him about his search or if I can help him that I am belittleig him. He will blow up as well now over little things- if i mention he forgot to do the dishes for example when i am just teying to remind him they need to be done. He just feels afain i am putting him down. Even if I tell him this is not my intention he still gets very upset. My question to other NTs and Aspies is how do you handle this? What is a good way to voice my concern or frustration over something without it resilting in a emotional blowup? What can I do to still be able to communicate my needs or comcerns in a way he will understand? Thanks in advance for any help/ advice.

Sorry for so many spelling and grammar errors- typing from a phone.

Hi Coco, welcome to the Wrong Planet forums.

It would help to know the exact words and phrasing you use when relating your concerns to him. Could you provide an example of a particularly tense exchange between the two of you with as much accuracy as possible? I think that would be useful in identifying specific misunderstandings.

Coco, what it sounds to me is that when your husband screamed and hit himself on the head he was going through what is called a 'meltdown'. What you need to realise is that the autistic and 'normal' brain have different levels of stress handling abilities. If you can imagine it as a balloon filling up with water, (where the water represents stress) the neurotypical or 'normal' brain is able to release the water at a controlled rate. The autistic brain cannot do this, instead the balloon keeps filling and filling until it bursts. The meltdown is what happens when the stress has exceeded your husbands coping resources. It is controllable by identifying his stress triggers and thereby allowing him to avoid stressful situations.

hope that helps.

Last edited by thomas81 on 22 Mar 2013, 5:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.

To remind him of neglected household duties, I would recommend being overly polite. Always ask like you need a favor, not like he forgot to do it or you expect him to do it.

I personally struggle with household chores, especially picking things up. For example I have problems categorising things into 'keep' and 'throw away'. If I see old letters like bills or bank statements lying around, I panic that they might be important and not throw any letters. Since the distinction between junk and important items is so subjective, I end up not being able to throw out anything.

Hi! It didn't work out for me, because the misinterpretations never did end and he had comorbid Narcissism, possibly. I am glad you both are in a loving relationship , I may suggest writing things down, since verbal processing may be overwhelming for him and asking him what works best for him (in a very logical, nonemotional way, try not to bring in your feelings as this may overwhelm him). Also, I would suggest getting therapy yourself because the differences and adjustments that both NT's and people with AS make can be very stressful and confusing, you are both adapting to each other but you are BOTH working against your biology and that can cause stress and loneliness, and other NT's do not understand this particular kind fo stress. This is a great forum with welcoming people, hope they and maybe I can give you the help you need.

Hi Coco

I have been married to an NT for more than 10 years now

What we have found useful are really clear guidelines on who does what. For instance, whoever doesn't cook has to do the washing up. And unless we are eating really late at night, it has to be done before bed.
He has to put his washing in the basket, and I will do the washing and folding, but he has to put his own clothes away.
After many meltdowns (which we didn't even know were meltdowns at the time, I just thought I had a horrendous temper, and he thought I was mental) we have finally come to an understanding on pretty much everything.

As an Aspie, we generally like things predictable, and bear in mind he is going to be struggling to interpret your meaning when you are asking/ telling him to do things. So try to set up some house rules you can both agree to - while he is calm, not in the middle of a meltdown!

I think this is great advice, although normally we have a lot of silliness and fun in our house, we are always very careful about politeness when dealing with household chores.

My husband is also very careful to introduce new topics slowly, and if it something that I might not want to hear (like you asking your husband about getting a job), he picks a nice quiet time when i am relaxed, then makes the basic points and then gives me some time to process it. Then he will come back and ask what I think about it.

So with your husband, I suggest you introduce the subject calmly when he is relaxed at home, state what you want to say clearly and concisely (I find NT's are rubbish at this, so maybe just try to put the main points in bullet form, and just use those), and don't get into a whole long argument about things.

I find that instead of an NT saying something like '....and it would be really helpful if you could find work because we need a bit more money to get by.....' (please remember to be polite!), it turns into a torrent of words 'because this and this and this and you don't do that, and then last week there was the time when you......' which just fries an Aspie brain.

Some Aspie's are more visual than auditory, so he may find it easier to process if he reads your list rather than listening to it. Then give him some time (like a day or two - not ten minutes!!) and come back and ask him for his thoughts.

The basic key is to make things really clear and concise, give him a chance to think about them, and then come back to discuss quietly and calmly. Try not to get into an argument because then he will just shut down. I find that I can carry on an argument quite logically on one level, but none of the information actually goes into my brain, so it is actually a waste of time for the person trying to 'argue their case' against me.

Try to leave emotion out of any negotiations, and base your points on undeniable logic, that normally does the trick!

I hope that helps a little bit. I wish you a very long and happy marriage, it can be done

That has to be really hard for him. He's lost his job--he probably feels like he's not doing his part, like he's being useless. He's your husband and he wants to support you. If he loved his job, he may not know what to do with himself. He's almost certainly grieving the loss of his role as a provider for your family. All of that would happen with a neurotypical guy who had lost his job, too.

You say he's "stopped looking" for a job; do you think maybe he's given up, become discouraged or even depressed? If so, every time you mention it you probably remind him of his feelings of being useless and helpless to change his situation. Not that your mentioning it is the problem, really; he's probably beating himself up over it badly enough.

He's going through a tough time. Probably really stressed out. Back him up--tell him you love him unconditionally. Doesn't matter if he has a job. You love him because he's who he is.

My wife says that some techniques we discussed for getting the kids to clean up--being specific and exact about what needs to be done--have been helpful in communicating with me.

Not "Hey, could you do a load of laundry" but "Please do the load of laundry in the basket at the top of the stairs now. It has clothes the kids will need in the morning, so it has to be in the drier before we go to bed."

Also, she used to be very pissed off at me when I would claim that some activity was impossible, when it clearly was possible. I thought about this and realized that what I meant was: it's impossible for me right now--I need to dump stress or reenergize before undertaking the thing that you are asking.
Part of the problem is that the overloaded feeling I sometimes get makes it hard for me to communicate well. Now that she knows this, she asks: are you overloaded right now and I can give a yes or no answer.

I guess the lesson from that is that we sometimes need to explicitly state things that we feel should be intuited or obvious, because there is a kind of communication barrier.

We love each other very much, but it's good to have a toolkit of known, effective workarounds to deal with these kinds of miscommunication.

Oops, my alexithymia strikes again

Of course he's going to be feeling bad. I stand by the (rather long) essay I wrote above, but of course Callista is correct, you need to be very supportive of him right now. Maybe get help if you think there are depression issues going on too.

Also bear in mind that work life can be horrendously difficult for an Aspie - constant information input and people around you - so maybe see if you can find something that would work to his strengths, and minimize the 'input overload'. The prospect of job searching can be daunting for an NT, imagine how much harder it is when you are Aspie.

You could always say "no duties done=no videogame anime or sex for you until you get them done!!" Hehe that would surely work on me!

Thanks everyone! Some great advice. I just realized that he and I normally talk on our walks- which have not been happening as I am working 3 jobs- 16 hour days over 6 days- to pay bills etc. I seem to have a gift for finding work- wish i had a gift to pick lottery numbers;)-. I will try writing things down as that has worked in the past- but even that he now forgets to read the list. The laundry only became an issue as its his only chore and I ended up haveing to wear the same clothes to work. The comverstaion went lile this " hey -i was really embarrased having to wear the same clothes to work today when the laundry was not done- could you please remeber to do a little every otherday for us?" After which he began pacing and shouting that i think hes horrible- that he is a total f'ckup that im being a bitch- he jumps between accusing me and self anger. He is for sure depressed about it all. At what point do I say to myself let this go its his aspie coming out and at what point do I say enough is enough? Its not just lack of motivation with finding work or doing chores- its many aspects of life- no sex, no interest in going out. Its been video games weed and once a week he will go out with friends to go dancing ( they are huge acid heads and he feels like he can socialize with them without them judging him or thinking he is wierd- it works for him). I will see if there are any good local therapists that might be able to help us. I feel myself getting frustrated when I realize he needs more love and understanding- but I also need support and to feel like he is making some effort.my head said one thing and my heart the other:)- this is nt the same personality i met and fell for. I feel like my talented shy sweet guy has been replaced by a surly oger that just wants to sit under a bridge:)-

Thanks again for all the advice.

you could try putting things in writing, I for one do better when things are in writing.

Ah motivation. Came home to the husbie telling me all the places he applied for today- over 24 applications sent out. I was very surprised and pleased ...he then mnetione his computer died and he will need a job to get a new one. - He is more motivates than ever. Funny how it all works out . Thanks again for all the advice! Its been very helpful to me as has this site in general.

Hi again Coco, I am so glad to see this post, I was concerned reading your previous one.

Someone once told me something that helped me a lot, it was that marriage is 10% romance, and 90% stickability. It really is worth hanging on through the tough times (and sometimes they're really tough) but the reason there are so many divorces is that people forget that and bail out when the going gets hard.

I think you are doing a great thing coming on here to try to help get an insight on how to communicate with your husband.

All the very best to you guys, and I wish him luck with the job search.