NTs "change gear" when socialising outside of work

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When I'm chatting to other people in a formal or "semi-formal" situation (like in the office) I find that I do quite well and manage to take part in the conversation.

However, when the same group of people are in a more relaxed setting (such as the pub) then they seem to "change up a gear" in their socialising and I am left sitting alone in silence.

Has anyone else had this experience?

I wonder what is going on? I suspect that when they are in the relaxed setting people begin flirting with one another (they don't want to flirt with me) and to test one another's social status and to attempt to improve their own status. That sounds rather mean of me but I don't understand what else is going on.

Any suggestions?

Yes. I've noticed it. For example, I used to attend these "social mixer" events related to my field once or twice a year. A lot of my co-workers and bosses showed up as well. I was OK when I was locked into conversation with them, but once they hit that gear and started going around the room mingling with others, I was left by myself and could never find that next gear to just mingle with a total stranger like all the others could.

For this I'm glad I haven't had to go to these events in a long time.

Totally get this. I used to get on well with most of my colleagues, in the workplace. We chatted and has good relationships. But, any time I went for a night out with them, suddenly I felt like I was nobody's friend. People who were close, paired up and I was left talking to one of the high up bosses, that everyone was frightened to speak to. I liked Christmas nights out, as I just danced the whole night, with whoever was getting up - no actual socailising required for that. One time, we went to the theatre and I took my Mum, so I wouldn't feel so alone. But, I felt even lonelier, as if they saw us together and thought we had one another for company, so didn't need to be spoken to. It doesn't help that I've no clue what anyone's sayng, when in a noisy environment. I miss half of the conversation.

It doesn't seem mean to me, it does seem to point out what is really going on. My colleague is very flirtatious (but still subtle) with me at work. It is only a test, testing me everyday. If I make a move then I'm the bad guy.

I always wondered about this, but now that I think about it, it could be because Aspies do great in structured environments, and not so great in unstructured ones.

That´s definitivly right for me. At work I can talk to people about work-related topics, so I can say something. But in those relaxed social situations without any structure or special topic to talk about I never know what to say and am very insecure in general because the situation is not as clear as at work.

I ''change gear'' depending on where I am interacting/socialising too.

In most social situations each person is attempting to be the alpha male or female. In work it's all about who's getting the most money. In the pub it's about who's got the most eyes on the room looking at them, who is getting everyone hanging on their every word.

I think its probably that there is more structured communication at places like work, there are things you stick to in conversation such as the work, travel, weather but in places like parties or the pub the conversation is more unpredictable and there is more varied discussion about gossip or previous social occasions, jokes and stuff.

Yup.

I love small talk. However my smalltalk often leaves others worried or concerned.

At work, if I'm analyzing something, it is to solve a problem. This fits fine with my job description at work.

In a social situation, I may make a smalltalk comment about something. But my smalltalk reveals that I had been thinking about (and analyzing) said topic. They think, wow this guy cares so much about that topic, it must be a real big issue for him. Then they say "Edward, we are worried about you. Let me give you some advice [then dispense completely useless and often self-righteous advice]"

This. People do loosen up with their social interactions in these situations. I used to be horrible with blending into situations like that - I just went quiet because the interactions went way too fast for me - but with practice and exposure hanging around NTs I have gotten much more comfortable with it...as long as there is at least one person I know so that I can predict how they will behave. As long as I get to talk to someone one on one at least (people often pair off to talk to each other) I'm fine. I tend to go quiet in group conversations unless I know everyone involved well.

Also, many people on the spectrum tend to be very stiff and rigid in their manner of interacting with others, which explains why they might do better in structured social situations where the emphasis seems to be work-focused and seriousness/politeness is valued. In a casual social situation (especially when there is alcohol involved) people become less uptight and more likely to joke around, as well as use sarcasm and something called banter, where people tease each other in a friendly way and make witty remarks. I have noticed that nearly all people I've met on the spectrum don't understand banter even though it is so commonly used - it tends to go over their head. I've only figured it out (and now use it a lot myself) through exposure to casual social situations.

Some people on the spectrum, though I could see them wanting to have fun too, have characteristics that could make them present like they aren't. So they might have a very serious sounding voice, and/or use a lot of formal language and/or have stiff body language.

Yeah, I have this problem as well. I like my coworkers, and I interact with them reasonably well in the office. But if I go to a get-together after work at a bar or something, my ability to maintain any sort of conversation disappears. I think the poster who said it's a difference between structured and unstructured environments is on to something. If it's a work-related topic of conversation, I do fine. Otherwise? Hah. Forget it.