Don't you feel sometimes tired of adapting?

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Greb
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27 Mar 2013, 2:29 pm

I have been a very adaptative person my whole life. I had social integration issues when I was young and I overcome them. I spent a lot of effort learning to look 'normal'. I still remember myself, playing movies, repeating the gestures in front of the mirror. It took me years to learn how to look normal. I was be very stubborn, so finally I did it, and this is the thing I feel probably more proud of.

And then you think you got it, but you really don't. If you can look 'normal'... then you're supposed to be normal with no excuses, you're not supposed to have any other problem. And if you have... well, you just go from being 'weird' to be 'whining'.

Sometimes I have the feeling of living in a world where you must do the effort to be normal, and then the effort to fight for your life, like anybody else, and even then it's not enough.

In the relations I had, sometimes the problem was that I was putting so much effort that I was too nice. Other times the relation was starting well, and then I was asked about me or my life, and after answering (I use to be 100% honest), she was freaking out 'but you look normal, so you're pretending, so you're lying to me'. At the end, if you look weird, that's bad. But if you look normal, then you're pretending, then, well, that's bad too! And at the end of the day I have the feeling that it's up to me to make every effort, and it's my fault if that's not enough.

Sometimes I feel exhausted. It's like it's always up to you to adapt, never up to NTs, and it's not always enough. And of course, it's your fault. But you're expected to keep being possitive and keep trying because, hey! it's your life and your responsability and if you're not doing well enough to adapt to this NT world, it's only your fault.

Honestly, some days I just feel fed up.


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Tyri0n
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27 Mar 2013, 2:55 pm

What happens when you don't consciously adapt? I'd be interested if my life would actually be worse if I acted more instinctively and impulsively.



Greb
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27 Mar 2013, 3:42 pm

Tyri0n wrote:
What happens when you don't consciously adapt? I'd be interested if my life would actually be worse if I acted more instinctively and impulsively.


Nothing special. Behaving in a social environment takes a lot of energy and concentration (at least in my case). In case, for example, if I feel very tired and have no energy to play the 'character', I stay in the background and go back home early. Usually people ask me 'why are you so silent today?', but that's all. I never act by impulse, I'm very careful when it comes to socialize. If I have no enough energy to control the situation, I stay as unnoticed as possible.

One thing I have discovered is that when you're labeled someway, when you stay back and unnoticed, you keep that label. So if you're labeled as weird, and you stay back, people think 'that weird guy that doesn't socialize'. But if you're labeled as nice and you stay back, people think 'that nice guy that needs a bit of cheer up'. I have experienced both situations.


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BuyerBeware
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27 Mar 2013, 4:02 pm

Yup. Love it.

I don't mind adapting.

What I mind, is adapting being a one-way street. What I mind, is making a lot of adaptations successfully with great effort being grounds to say, "Well, if you were able to run those hundred miles, the next hundred should be easier. HYAH! Oh, and-- next time, tweak this and this and this and then try to have some energy left to play with me!"

I hear this from my husband, and then how selfish I am when I get upset-- I'm giving a mile already, I shouldn't mind another ten or twenty feet. Honestly, I'm fed up. I love him, but if I thought for a minute that I would be able to keep my kids or to support them all by myself-- or even that I would be permitted to be a regular and contributing part of their lives-- I'd be out of here and heading for the hills so fast it would make your head spin.

I have worked and worked and worked. They promised it would get easier, it would get better, if I just got to some ever-distant Point X-- high school, college, a social network, away from West Virginia, up to the city where there's more diversity-- and first jump through these 50 flaming hoops. It hasn't gotten easier-- all that has changed is that I have gotten hard, grown hateful, and given up hope.

Daily I work and work and work-- to be calm, to act happy, to choose the right words and the right tone and the right pace of speech. All this just so I can look normal enough to have it taken for granted that it's easy for me. There is not one waking moment in which I can relax unless I am alone...

...and if I get up in the middle of the night to spend a little quiet time relaxing, I'm not going to get it without heavily reassuring him that I'm not mad at him, I'm not leaving the house, I won't smoke more than one cigarette. And then I'm going to get grilled about what I did, what I thought about, and am I sure I'm not mad at him in the morning.

But oh-- God forbid I should feel insecure and need advice or reassurance or help. Then it's, "I have a very stressful job. I can't hold your hand all the time."

Yes. I am fed up with adapting. A species adapts less in hundreds of generations than I have been expected to adapt in three and a half decades. I would, at this point, welcome extinction.


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Greb
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27 Mar 2013, 5:41 pm

@BuyerBeware,

Do you know that some Asperger people who are managing well and can overcome their issues use to have a big breakdown in their late 30s/early 40s? I discovered it because I had mine and I'm ending my recovery with antidepressants and low sugar diet. It's not very known, but it happens when you have been dealing with a continuous level of stress for years. There's a moment when the body just can't deal with this level of stress anymore. I was dealing with it using coffee, and sugar, and supplement of vitamines, and more coffee, and more sugar, and more vitamines, until I coudn't.

Of course, you recover. But of course, it's your fault.

Right now, for example, I'm single but I stopped dating. And it's not because I'm afraid of it or anything similar. I feel that I have no energy to get into a relation and keep the 'happy normal person' mask 24/7. I'm have been doing such big efforts to adapt for years that right now I feel like 'I'm sorry, but I can't anymore'. Some friends are even making jokes about me becoming gay :D But when a relationship is not your warrior's rest but another job, what's the point in it? And you're right, it doesn't become easier, it never becomes easier neither more relaxed. It just becomes automatical, like driving in a long road: you do it without thinking, and it's not until the end of the journey that you realize how exhausted you are.

But the worst part it's not this being hard. The worst part is that when you try to explain it and you get nothing but whining accusations. You need some support, just a bit of empathy and support, and you end up being the supportive one. In the NT world, rational and assertive people are supposed to play the 'supporter' role, those are the non-written rules. And since you're rational (because you're asperger) and you're assertive (because you fighted hard to be able to socialize that way) you're assigned to this role. And nothing you can say is listened, no matter how you try to explain that you're not a 'hard assertive rational NT' but an 'stubborn and hard-working asperger', it's useless.

Sometimes, it's exhausting. And frustatring. And exhausting.


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Jaden
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27 Mar 2013, 6:53 pm

Honestly OP, I know how you feel.
I used to try to adapt to other people, and they'd practically never make an effort to meet me half-way because they expect us to be able to do more than we can, and when we don't meet their expectations, they blame us for "not trying".
I stopped bothering to adapt to other people because they don't make an effort to adapt to me and I don't care either way at this point.
If someone makes the effort to try to understand or adapt to me, then I'd consider it, but that's not likely to happen.


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DrThunder
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28 Mar 2013, 1:18 am

Jaden wrote:
I stopped bothering to adapt to other people because they don't make an effort to adapt to me and I don't care either way at this point.


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bumble
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28 Mar 2013, 2:46 am

I can adapt (or act normal) for brief periods before it tires me too much and I need to seek refuge on my own somewhere.



goldfish21
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28 Mar 2013, 2:49 am

Sometimes.

But then I remember why I'm working as hard as I am on myself, what my long term goals are, and who they're to serve besides myself.

And also that nothing worth doing is easy.

Then I'm able to persist & just keep moving forward! [/meet the robinsons]


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briankelley
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28 Mar 2013, 3:49 am

I've chucked trying look normal and fit in. For one thing, all I was doing was focusing on the most stereotypically "normal" people and disregarding the ones who were different and unique. There are a lot of NT's with social lives who are pretty unusual in their behavior and different in appearance; clothes, tattoos, piercings etc.

One day I decided to watch the movie Serpico with Al Picino, which I'd never seen before. Now to say this guy took on a different appearance from his coworkers is an understatement. And this was based on a real guy. So from that point forward I started dressing more and more eccentrically along those lines. My niece who's into fashion design said it was the "boho" look which I think stands for bohemian and hobo LOL. And it's not too different from how I dressed as a kid, piling on mismatching stuff at random. So now I'm actually me being me again. The women love it and I think the guys are envious because they know they couldn't get away with it. And I'm just being me personality wise and letting people know I'm autistic. Anyone else I know who's diabetic or has this or that wrong with them, makes it known. Today at a gathering I found out Chris has something wrong with his shoulder and Don thinks one of his knuckles is busted. People are always airing their maladies. I know that Chris' wife has Crohn's disease and on and on it goes. So why on earth should I keep my autism a secret?!

Many of us spend too much time focusing on what's 100% NT, normal, average, generic, acceptable and try to copy it. WHY?
For the rest of my life everyone's going to know I'm autistic, different, eccentric and unusual. What matters most to anyone is that I try to be a nice person. That's really all anyone cares about.

If you're a nice guy, you can walk into a room anywhere in the world. - Woody Strode



goldfish21
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28 Mar 2013, 4:00 am

briankelley wrote:
I've chucked trying look normal and fit in. For one thing, all I was doing was focusing on the most stereotypically "normal" people and disregarding the ones who were different and unique. There are a lot of NT's with social lives who are pretty unusual in their behavior and different in appearance; clothes, tattoos, piercings etc.

One day I decided to watch the movie Serpico with Al Picino, which I'd never seen before. Now to say this guy took on a different appearance from his coworkers is an understatement. And this was based on a real guy. So from that point forward I started dressing more and more eccentrically along those lines. My niece who's into fashion design said it was the "boho" look which I think stands for bohemian and hobo LOL. And it's not too different from how I dressed as a kid, piling on mismatching stuff at random. So now I'm actually me being me again. The women love it and I think the guys are envious because they know they couldn't get away with it. And I'm just being me personality wise and letting people know I'm autistic. Anyone else I know who's diabetic or has this or that wrong with them, makes it known. Today at a gathering I found out Chris has something wrong with his shoulder and Don thinks one of his knuckles is busted. People are always airing their maladies. I know that Chris' wife has Crohn's disease and on and on it goes. So why on earth should I keep my autism a secret?!

Many of us spend too much time focusing on what's 100% NT, normal, average, generic, acceptable and try to copy it. WHY?
For the rest of my life everyone's going to know I'm autistic, different, eccentric and unusual. What matters most to anyone is that I try to be a nice person. That's really all anyone cares about.

If you're a nice guy, you can walk into a room anywhere in the world. - Woody Strode


While a different sense of fashion/style, this reminds me a lot of one of my AS friends. He's the most self accepting self loving person I know. He's very OK with being different, and dressing how he feels like dressing - even if it's a bit eccentric or unique vs. trying to blend in with the norm. And I'm OK with that about him, too. 8) He's taught me many lessons about being real, true to yourself, & being free to just be who you are, embrace it & just roll with it vs. feel you have to conform to anyone else' anything.

Sure, there are times and a places to make an effort to camouflage into the NT world as well as possible when it's to our greatest advantage to do so - but when it's outside of work or formal settings that require certain behaviours or dress codes, forget all that stuff and just Be free. 8)


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briankelley
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28 Mar 2013, 4:01 am

Tyri0n wrote:
What happens when you don't consciously adapt? I'd be interested if my life would actually be worse if I acted more instinctively and impulsively.


Well, for me personally it's been a great experience and I wish I had done it ages ago. Start looking at the people who don't conform, instead of those who do. There's plenty of them out there, having nice lives.



Greb
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28 Mar 2013, 4:06 am

briankelley wrote:
I've chucked trying look normal and fit in. For one thing, all I was doing was focusing on the most stereotypically "normal" people and disregarding the ones who were different and unique. There are a lot of NT's with social lives who are pretty unusual in their behavior and different in appearance; clothes, tattoos, piercings etc.

One day I decided to watch the movie Serpico with Al Picino, which I'd never seen before. Now to say this guy took on a different appearance from his coworkers is an understatement. And this was based on a real guy. So from that point forward I started dressing more and more eccentrically along those lines. My niece who's into fashion design said it was the "boho" look which I think stands for bohemian and hobo LOL. And it's not too different from how I dressed as a kid, piling on mismatching stuff at random. So now I'm actually me being me again. The women love it and I think the guys are envious because they know they couldn't get away with it. And I'm just being me personality wise and letting people know I'm autistic. Anyone else I know who's diabetic or has this or that wrong with them, makes it known. Today at a gathering I found out Chris has something wrong with his shoulder and Don thinks one of his knuckles is busted. People are always airing their maladies. I know that Chris' wife has Crohn's disease and on and on it goes. So why on earth should I keep my autism a secret?!

Many of us spend too much time focusing on what's 100% NT, normal, average, generic, acceptable and try to copy it. WHY?
For the rest of my life everyone's going to know I'm autistic, different, eccentric and unusual. What matters most to anyone is that I try to be a nice person. That's really all anyone cares about.

If you're a nice guy, you can walk into a room anywhere in the world. - Woody Strode


I really loved your comment.

Indeed, after years of struggling to dress cool, I'm going back now to dress anyway, as I was doing when I was young.

It's hard to renounce to look normal and go back to look more autist. But I feel that at the end of the day, it just takes too much energy. And this obsession with being normal and having a normal life can be a sign that shows that I don't really accept myself.


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28 Mar 2013, 4:22 am

briankelley wrote:
Tyri0n wrote:
What happens when you don't consciously adapt? I'd be interested if my life would actually be worse if I acted more instinctively and impulsively.


Well, for me personally it's been a great experience and I wish I had done it ages ago. Start looking at the people who don't conform, instead of those who do. There's plenty of them out there, having nice lives.


Too true. Have a look at many very wealthy folks. There are many eccentric people w/ eccentric taste in clothing. It seems NT society tends to accept them more due to their wealth/status/power etc, but nonetheless they're prime examples of non-conformists living nice lives.

Granted, it doesn't take monetary wealth to live a nice life. I can be quite content with very very little in terms of money & material possessions, as happiness can be found within & in appreciation for all things. Even monks w/ virtually zero possessions live nice lives. It's just that most without money/stats/power etc living nice lives don't get noticed much and aren't typically public figures that become widely known examples of nonconformists living nice lives, is all. There are probably many times more people like this than celebrity type eccentrics.


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briankelley
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28 Mar 2013, 5:16 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Sure, there are times and a places to make an effort to camouflage into the NT world as well as possible when it's to our greatest advantage to do so - but when it's outside of work or formal settings that require certain behaviours or dress codes, forget all that stuff and just Be free. 8)


I'll admit if I were going in for a job interview, I'd put my Clark Kent disguise back on :wink:



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28 Mar 2013, 6:42 am

Thank you to Greb for starting this thread, I recognise a lot of myself in your words and also for some of the excellent replies. Brian, thank you for your comments as I have found them very encouraging.

I have been off work for a long time and am due to return next week and have only recently had my diagnosis. For the longest time I stuggled with incorrect diagnoses, especially one of BPD, but finally feel I have been given the right 'label'. For the majority of my life I have tried to 'pass' as an NT and always failed to a large extent and I too have had to run away to my cave and roll the rock in front of the entrance. I have spent a lot of time since my diagnosis pondering how to 'be' when I return to work and posts like Brian's help me to make up my mind.

I accept that at my age it is probably a lot easier to reject the NT's societal norms as I probably fit the 'grumpy old man' stereotype quite well. I don't have the social pressures I once had, but coming on this site has helped me to decide that I should just be myself. I do find the idea of this to be anxiety inducing, but there is a definately a sense of potential liberation there too. I have swapped a couple of emails with a colleague who is an 'out and proud Aspie' and we have agreed to meet for a coffee and a chat about our respective coping mechanisms.

That said, I can only empathise (a very common trait amonst people on the ASD spectrum contrary to popular misconception) with some of the younger people on here having to navigate the horrors of school, college, university and workplaces. It sounds trite, but as Brian so eloquently demonstrated, we all have to be true to ourselves. The wisdom to be found on here is quite profound, thank you.

Paul


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