building a repetoire of conversation material

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Hey there aspies, and fellow boring people!

Do you ever find yourself in the position where someone you don't know very well starts trying to chat with you, and for some reason you just can't think of anything to say? Personally I've spent years just standing around looking awkward, while others wonder what's wrong with me, or if I don't like them.

Over the past year and a half, however, my ability to chat and ramble with people has greatly improved. Infact I'm actually now more skilled at making small talk then some people. One thing that has been instramental in this change, is that I've built, and wrote learned, a collection of things to talk about.

Here is how I recommend you do it:

1) There are certain standard questions that people are guaranteed to ask you. For instance, after a holiday, they'll ask you "how was your holiday?". Pre-empt these questions, and come up with two answers to each. Firstly a longer and more interesting answer that will lead to further things to talk about, and secondly, a shorter answer for when you're only asked the question out of politeness.

2) Don't expect to fill it out instantly. If you could sit down and brainstorm 100 points, then you're probably not the sort of person who would need the list anyway. Just fill it out over a year or so, with bits and peices you either hear or think up.

3) Test them. When you say some to friends, make a mental note of their reactions.

4) Dont memorise them word for word; just the general gist of each item.

Examples:
- context: walk up to road, and the "walk" signal instantly goes. Response: "I did that"
- "how was your holiday", "oh it was good. I got my first ever job - a programming one"... move on to how I fell alseep in important meeting
- context: someone mentions this particular kiosk on campus. Response: "oh, I love that place. No matter what you order, they ask if you want gravy on it. I once ordered what was literally a plate with nothing but veggies, and they still asked if I wanted gravy on it.
- context: someone mention my commerce course. Reponse: Tell them about the insane things my tutor does.

The results:
You'll find this won't just help you chatter with people you've only recently met, it will also have the folloing effects:
- improved confidence, as you become "funnier" and easier to talk to
- you fine tune some more social skills simply by carrying conversations longer with new people (I talk a lot about new people because I recently started uni)
- somehow, I've found this also eventually helped my spontaneouity.

This is excellent! I can't wait to see more.

I do this, but in my head not on paper.

This is good advice.

You can go a long way on "stock phrases."

Popular topics include stuff like TV shows, current events, sports games, movies, etc. Learn a number of facts about each of these things, at least enough to be able to ask and answer questions, and you should be OK. For talking to people past college age, books are a good topic as well (this refers to fiction books, not reference). A safe bet is the stuff people read in high school, especially politically charged books, such as "Farenheit 451", "1984", or "Brave New World".

This is also something that I have had to work on, learning how to converse about petty little things that I'm really not interested in.
The part that I have yet to perfect, though, is after having asked the question, ("How was your holiday?" eg.) trying to seem interested in the reply. Most people go into a long ramble about their holiday, and I, unfortunately, don't care and my attention goes elsewhere.
Also the part where I have to ask every person at work the same thing is a nightmare, or they all ask me the same thing and I end up repeating the same story the same way to about 15 people...

These are good tips. I often give a one word answer reply, or not know how to take it to the next step, or just not know what to say.

My therapist would say that I have to work on bouncing the tennis ball back. My tip is to find some noun in their response and create a question out of it. Of course easier said than done.

I started earlier this year using the small black notebook I carry around in my pocket to help me with social skills. I have a couple pages in my "reference" section where I've just written tips I've picked up on socializing that I review every few days. I write down the names and details of people I meet so I can recognize them again without having to guess who they are.

I've been listening to the audio version of "How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds" -- it sounds like a piece of manipulative, NT-ish drivel, but it isn't at all. It has some great tips. One phrase from it that I've repeated in my mind a few times is "assume a useful attitude."

Maybe its ADHD but I never have lack of things to say unless I'm nervous (usually around strangers). Though I hate to be asked a question that requires me to say much more than yes or no or to state a simple short fact. I would rather just ramble on in a semi-incoherent way trying to entertain or educate the people I'm talking to and/or myself. Though I tend to not know when to stop and I talk too much. I come across as very friendly but strange I think. And to get the social commincation on a deep level that builds social bonds is nearily impossible.

I always find my self in that same situation it is very awkward sometimes i just have to wail away

I tend to give people pretty simple answers to their questions. Sometimes I just say some stuff that others may find absurd.

I'm lousy with small talk. Sometimes I'm OK. I try, but there are times when I don't care, and I just ignore people or give them a 1-word answer.

My biggest problem: Baseball is a true obsession for me. I have entire bookcases of baseball related books. I watch or listen to just about every game during the season. So, throughout the summer, poor coworkers trying to make smalltalk will ask me "some game the other night, huh?"

"Yeah. What in the world was that guy thinking throwing a curveball on the inner half to Ortiz on a 2-1 count? I knew that pitch was gone as soon it left the pitchers hand. See, if he really wanted to get Ortiz out....

And then, when Francona went to the pen, why did he get the lefty in that spot? You knew that the other manager would bring in a pinch hitter, and they've got some good right handed hitters on that bench.....

And I had no idea why they brought that guy in in that situation. Manny's always hit that guy well. The last time he faced him, I think it was last September, it was a similar situation, 2 on, 2 out, and Manny hit one 420' to left center off him. Even I remember that, but the manager brought him in anyway... "

They almost never ask again.

When in such a situation, I tend to talk a lot without saying much.

I recently read 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' (Carnegie). It had excellent tips with full explanation of each scenario listed. As it was originally published over 50 years ago you can find it on torrent sites for free download these days. Highly recommended.