Do people reject you in sneaky, indirect ways?

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Like lying (saying they never got your phone call, text or whatever), or just simply pretending to be interested and never following through....?

This has happened to me a number of times, and it is especially disconcerting. People just seem SO nice and SO eager, yet they either change their mind (that they don't want to be friends) or their mind was already made up to begin with.

People DON'T want me in their circle. What is puzzling, is that a number of times it seemed to happen as soon as I said YES (for example, to an invitation). Then they seem to have second thoughts. One person actually gave me an "out" after inviting me somewhere....as soon as I said "yes", he said, "But if I don't see you then, have a great weekend!" Umm, he invited me to a movie....

The most annoying problem is when people don't follow through. Yet they continually bring up the offer or whatever it is that they never follow through on. People are such damned maddeningly puzzling creatures :sigh:

Has this ever happened to you? Do people "reject" you in sneaky, indirect ways that involve lying or otherwise leave you wondering what they were really thinking?

"But if I don't see you then..." Sounds like it was a casual invitation. That means, show up if you want to, but if you don't feel like it or something comes up, that is OK too. (They didn't want you to feel obligated.)

I don't think they took back their invitation. That's just how NTs talk sometimes.

Yep, subtle & not so subtle ways.

I agree that the movie thingy MIGHT have just been an NT acting like an NT....but then again I seem to be getting jaded in my late 40's!

I know this next thing is gonna' sound TRITE, but read me through, anyway, ok?

Try not to take it personal. They are reacting to your Aspergers, not you. (I know that I have a hard enough time separating the 2!) I probably have a few peoples hackles up right now....and I meant no offense by it. The follow through on it is this: the fact is that it (rejection) happens & is going to continue to happen. If you take it personal, you might just become jaded, angry or bitter. (That's actually where I'm at right now---making a consciouse DECISION to let the idiot NT's go with their silly selves.) I have a thread about Pesky NT's and that whole situation has been on my mind this morning but now that noon is coming...I have decided to move past it.

It's socially required sometimes to offer invitations to events, but socially unacceptable to actually want you there. Enter the infamous "white lie" method.

Yes they do. I really wish that people wouldn't offer things just to be polite. This is one of the things that causes me the most grief in social situation (including with my own family).I can't tell when people are just being polite.I wish that wasn't a social custom. It doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me you can still be polite to someone without offering to spend time with them or invite them over or offering them food. You don't have to say "I hate you and don't want to ever see you again" you can just not offer to call them or invite them somewhere. I understand if you say "I want to hang out with you" and then they agree because they don't want to be rude and say they don't like you and don't want to spend time with you but why do they have to GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to suggest it.

With just about everyone I meet actually.
In 2012 I had a few "friends" with similar interests (paranormal mainly), but when they weren't in control of every aspect of every conversation (including so called facts), they would become extremely degrading to me (specifically, they were all friends), and when I wouldn't conform to their beliefs (that they were "angels") they proceded to insult me, made plans to ignore me and leave for a new forum without telling me, they started telling people that came to the forum for real discussion that I wasn't a "team player" and I had issues. Among other things, they had called me "nazi, satanic, evil, demon in christian clothing", obviously none of which was true to any degree whatsoever. What's worse is they invited me to their new forum, and like an idiot I went to try to make peace with them, only for them to start something with me (basically saying that I shouldn't speak about things that I can't prove, which is something that they all had done in spades already) and because half of them were admins and all of them were friends, I got banned for objecting to the mistreatment.
I've suffored a year of depression and flashbacks because of those a**holes, and because of them, I have nothing but contempt for the human race.
I haven't bothered to make a new friend since, and I don't intend to either.

Usually for me it is all in my head then I end up rejecting myself. lol

Yes, it happens sometimes.

Usually they openly exclude and don't invite me, which is quite hurtful as well. They openly talk about their going out together, which I am not even invited to, very aware that I'm aware I'm excluded. So that's a bit different from the topic of this thread.

Then there have been times when they invited me and when I accepted the invitation, they showed reluctance as if I were meant to decline the invitation. One time my friend and I were invited to a party. My friend declined, but I accepted it. As it turned out, the inviter wanted my friend to come to the party and I was just an accesory to my friend. So he tried to convince me that it would be difficult for me to come to the party because without my friend I wouldn't have any transport to the party (my friend had a car). So I frankly told him that I could see that he wanted my friend to come to his party, not me, and that what he was doing was very sneaky.

I think most people have this sneakiness, unfortunately. In some situations you get to see what they really are like. There are some who are genuine, but not many.

True, however it's not a personal choice but an important social rule everyone must abide to. Society calls this rule of politeness: "allowing a person save face". Meaning, as long as the rejection is not out in the open, the rejected person can pretend they didn't notice and thus needn't expose their humiliation. So everyone prefers (and expects) to be let down in indirect, unclear ways.

I never saw someone get angry at a person who rejected them indirectly, yet if that person had said "No, I don't want to go out with you" instead of "I have to wash my hair that day", they would badmouth them and try to get revenge forever.

And this goes for all neuro types. I don't believe anyone in this thread, for example, would turn down an invitation with the non-sneaky truth, such as "No, I don't enjoy your company" or even "No, I don't want to come."

Actually, when someone is direct, what people think is that they're very selfish not to let the other save face, not to invent some sneaky excuse. Even the rejected person. Sneakiness is work, and the work put into being sneaky with the rejectee is appreciated.

Wow. Those sound like some judgmental jerks. They would've done that to anyone who did not profess exactly the same beliefs in every thing, it sounds like.

I once ran into some similar people online. They booted me from their chat room, when they were badmouthing Billy Graham for being satanic of all things. I said, Billy Graham? I love him. He's a preacher, why don't you like him? (It was supposed to be a Christian chat room.) They said "because he believes in angels." When I asked what was wrong with that, they bounced and banned me.

I wouldn't want such narrow minded friends, anyway. There is not only one way to approach life or beliefs. But it did sting for a while.

And I still like Billy Graham and still believe in angels. (And the paranormal....)

That is yet another nt social rule that I just don't understand. I personally wouldn't invite someone somewhere unless I wanted them to go and if someone asked me to go somewhere I'd either say yes or no based on what I wanted and not even know whether they really wanted me there or not.

I'm one that probably would just say "hell no, I don't want to go" to an invitation I don't want to go to. I've sometimes noticed in the past that people have seemed amused or surprised at things I say and I think it's because they are just too honest, blunt, or not socially acceptable.

Yes, this happens to me pretty often. It's pretty much the norm among NTs. I actualy know of only one person that outright says "no" when that's what she means. She's pretty wierd in more than one way though.

This is actually the crux of my AS!

I so totally do not understand WHY someone would invite me to something that they really didn't want me to participate in....it soooo baffles me! That's just the tip of the iceburg, though. There are many, many, many other social pitfalls (that aren't pitfalls to the NT) that I fall into. I'm really much more comfortable doing any interpersonal interaction here- on line. (Is that even considered interpersonal interaction if it's 'virtual'? I don't know...& at this point, I don't care!)

How am I supposed to know?
As you said, they're "sneaky and indirect" ways, so can I understand if they're rejecting me or not?

Thank you so much for the replies so far! At least a couple of you mentioned people going out of their way to invite you even if they didn't really want you to come in the first place...I guess I was referring to that kind of thing, as just one example. It is so weird, people initiate interest, be it whether

a) They encourage further contact: "Call me!" or "I'll call you tomorrow!" and seem so eager and sure that they want continued contact. But when the time comes, their cell mysteriously didn't work, as in they never got the phone call responding to their invitation.

b) They say they will follow through on something (and never do). Yet they are the ones who bring up the topic in the first place. I had one person continually tell me that they would get the exact date and address of an upcoming event but never did....but why did they keep bringing it up?! !?

Moondust, if I were asked, I would probably not be able to be direct either so you bring up a good point. I guess it is more puzzling when people are indirect even as they initiate an invitation or offer...I am just taken aback when I actually call them on their offer and they make a complete turnaround.

Popsicle, that is a possibility, that they didn't want me to feel obligated to accept.

Thanks again everyone for your responses

All the time. I think it's pretty normal, or at least I hope it is. I can't tell you how many people have acted so excited to go out on a date with me, or hang out with me, and never follow through with it.