Can aspie girls answer this about NT females?

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This is a question that both NT and aspie men always ask: Why do (NT) Women when they have a man expect him to be a mind reader? NT women are notorious for "dropping hints" and then act all surprised if days later that guy is totally oblivious that she wanted something at all. Sorry, even NT men don't get it, so aspie gals just imagine how confusing NT woman behavior is for us!

I just don't get it, if a woman has a problem or something why do they choose to beat around the bush instead of just telling their partner what she wants or what the problem is?

So, why aren't women more like men, in other words? Because they're women.

NT women pay more attention on average to subtle hints, underlying motives, whether body language facial expression and the words add up together or whether they are in conflict, and all manner of psychological games and double-speak with other NT women. Most NT women are adept at picking this up and responding in the same manner.

NT women simply project and think since they have been doing this all their lives, and all the other women do the same - that surely an NT man is used to doing the same thing (or any person for that matter) - it's pretty much projection and social expectations and assumptions at their finest.

I've had men do this to me as well. I find it very frustrating.

The other day my mother changed something that complicated my day, and I asked her why she didn't give me any warning, and she said she had: But the "warnings" she gave were vague and nonspecific, and I had no way of knowing that she was referring to a single specific thing when she made broad general comments about categories that - to me - didn't seem to include the actual thing she was complaining about.

Then again, she doesn't really pay attention or seem to understand that I need to have advance warning for many things or it'll turn everything upside down for me.

This is a stereotype. I imagine some of the women who engage in stereotypical behavior are doing so out of societal expectation--it is how they have been taught to act or how people expect them to act. I'm pretty sure there's nothing about having two X chromosomes that makes this behavior a biological imperative, though.

What's the difference though? Even though I'm a woman, I don't really identify as female or male. Kind of non-gendered or both!

I think it's more nurture than nature. We're told to be subtle, to drop hints, use body language or tone of voice to convey a point and expect people to read between the lines. As an Aspie female, it's not fun, because I can never figure out how subtle is too subtle And when you're on the receiving end, it can lead to massive amounts of overthinking as you try to tease the meaning out of what someone's said or done.

Have to say, though, when I've gone the "subtle as a sledgehammer" route (which you'd think all the men out there complaining about mind reading would appreciate), I'm told I'm being too direct, and apparently this is both unappealing and unfeminine. Can't win, it seems.

Women are taught to be more passive and not really say what there thinking. Women frequently do that with each other and trust me that alone does lead to a lot of misunderstandings itself. While men arent trained to interact in that manner.

Women think that both men and women can read their minds. It seems pervasive.

I'm not, and I usually say what I think! But then does that mean AS women don't act like that, since we're probably less likely to respond to (or even pick up on) 'social training'?

For some women, I think it makes them feel like their partner cares about them if he does something for her without directly asking. However, if she asked for whatever it is, she feels like she ordered him to do it and it doesn't count as a caring act. This is what I have deduced from my brother's very NT ex-girlfriend. He has some aspie traits so you can imagine how well this behaviour worked on him...

Don't be so sure it's an act. If you hint at something and think it's obvious what you mean, you're gonna expect the person you speak to to get it. Aspies and men also get surprised or annoyed when people don't get what they think is obvious.

Here's a fictional example I heard in a story read on radio years ago:

Boys tend to be more cheeky than girls, more likely to ask directly, like "can I have an ice cream?"
Girls tend to dislike being direct and ask for something. They'd rather imply it and have the other person suggest it, like the girl wanted her grandfather to understand that she wanted an ice cream but wanted him to offer her one rather than having to tell him directly. When I was little I'd look hopefully at the ice cream box in the store/kiosk, but I was less likely to ask directly. If we were nearing the kiosk I might say that it was warm or that "sandwich is good" (sandwich is a type of ice we have here). My grandfather, unlike the fictional one, took the hint though, except when he teased me and pretended he didn't understand what I meant.

That's a rather childish example but just in the same way, women are generally more likely to be indirect., no matter what the issue or request is


When it comes to problems it depends on what kind of problems you're talking about, but:
Because some things are hard to talk about. Maybe it's a sensitive thing and so the more direct you have to be, the harder it is to say, because it leaves you exposed and vulnerable. And even worse, it leaves a woman vulnerable to someone she knows might just laugh at her at first, or don't get it at all when she shows her most private emotions and thoughts.
If it's less personal: Maybe it's something that makes you feel dumb having to ask for help with, something you should (or wish you could) do yourself. Say it's a problem with her computer and she doesn't know how to fix it, and it's humiliating to ask for help, but she just doesn't have the interest to learn how to do it. If the guy has a tendency to respond with annoyance or make her feel one inch tall, she's gonna dread ask him and meanwhile, she's gonna be stressed about it.
Maybe the woman has asked the guy to do something and he, seemingly conveniently, forgot it. Of course that's gonna make her ticked off. Does he expect her to do it, and think he can get away from chores that way? Lack of respect, lack of consideration, not trust worthy are thoughts that come to mind for the female.

If someone close to me is doing something I think they should understand gets to me, I'll get angry at them and will give them the silent treatment. Sometimes I'm too ticked off at them to speak to them at first, but the silent treatment will last at least until he starts to attempt fixing things. They should know me well enough to get it if we're that close, and if they don't I think "if you don't know what you've done, I can't help you" because if they care that much and know me, it should be self evident. If they do it anyway I assume they're doing it intentionally (and it certainly seems that way). Don't they know me at all? How can it not be intentional when they do something like that? It certainly appears as if guys do stuff intentionally just to annoy us. I've seen it too often with my ex, with acquaintances, within my family and relatives...


I'm not so sure about that. I haven't been taught to do it, I'm highly unaware of what's expected and I think those preoccupied with gender roles can stick it; I'm gonna be me with what that includes.
Yet despite being un-girly in many ways, I have some of the same instinctual reaction in me with things like this, so I think biology does play a role in it. I don't adhere to social expectations I'm not okay with, and there's a good possibility that I'm not even aware of them. Yet I automatically will try to say things, like those mentioned above, indirectly.

Its not about NT woman, its NT generally. I had the same problems with my male NT partner. So maybe NT males do it a bit less, but this "reading between the lines" is simply a normal part of NT conversation, to avoid open confrontations. To understand more about it, I would recommend you books of mediation, as example from the author Rosenberg.

NT s dont wanna lie to you, when they are doing so, but NTs do so to comfort each other. If they would talk to each other, as they need to talk to aspies to make them understand, NTs would be offended. So as example if I visit my mother in law, and my outfit dont fit propper for her, to any normal NT woman her partner would say: "I dont know darling. Maybe the other dress would let you look much better and fitted better to your skin colour." (Or such cheese. ^^) while I need my partnter to tell me "Darling. That stuff looks horrible! Please dont go that way to my mom." so I understand what he means. ^^ So I know that I lack any ability for dressing and style and colours and such nonsense, so his comment simply helps me to find a propper outfit for his relatives. But a "normal" NT women would scratch his eyes out if he talked that way. XD

If people are not used to you in everyday contact, they simply dont know that they need to talk in another way to make you understand what they mean. I am with my partner for 14 years now, thats why he knows how I listen to him and in which way I understand him. But other people simply dont know, and so they are having conversation with you in the way thats normal for them, and that includes that "reading between the lines" stuff.

Women aren't supposed to say what they're actually thinking, what they're feeling, or what they want.

Doing so is called being "forward," "aggressive," "demanding," or "domineering."

What women are actually supposed to do (at least in the culture I grew up in-- rural Appalachian conservative Christian), women are supposed to deny and sublimate all needs, wants, feelings, or desires in the service of men and male children.

Few are the people who can do that; the ones that apparently succeed actually become very good at being passive-aggressive (I'm taking passive-aggressive lessons from an NT female right now). What most of them do is learn to speak/act/ask "properly," so that the men (and for that matter other women) think gratifying their desires or validating their feelings is something they thought of all on their own.

I cannot communicate like this. What that usually ends up meaning, is that I get slapped in the face for being a b***h, or that I lie through my teeth or end up not communicating at all.

What I find frustrating is even my Girlfriend, who while she was told she absolutely is not on the spectrum I still believe she has classic Autism, engages in this behavior. She is blunt and brutally honest but even though I've explained my AS and that I do not understand subtle hints she gets mad all the time about how she's been 'hinting' at something and I never picked up on it.

this is it..

I used to be like this, all NT female, but I unscrambled it and now I talk plainly to men and women. Its one of the things that made me think I am 60% female, 40% male. NT female but happier with a male communication style. I read between lines well, but I dont expect or demand men to do so, and I am happier with more explicit communication. Its more efficient once you get rid of the strange femaile voice that questions intent all the time. I wasn't before. When I was younger I felt that if I had to tell someone how I was feeling or what I wanted, then they didn't care enough about me just to know! I now feel that was insane, but it was real. When you grew up NT girl and get close to other NT girls for whom it worked that way (you dont have to say, they just know), I thought it ought to work that way with any man I was close to. And if it didn't, he didn't love me!! I studied sciences and was the only girl amongst many lovely boys, my mates, so I slowly figured it out. All men can't be insensitive bastards, its just a different way of thinking, and I get it. You just say what you mean, there is no massive amount of hidden intent between the lines, and its bizarre to hear Nt women constantly assume there is.

Now I can't bear the nonsense NT women talk in groups (which is related), but I still like the empathy of close NT female friends one-on-one. But in my opinion its not as good as the closeness you can get through keen, open, honest, explicit, less ego-driven, plain english communication with men or women.