Want to move out, parents think I shouldn't

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WrongWay
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29 Jun 2013, 9:57 pm

Hi all,

I'm 21, just finished university and got a full-time job so am thinking of moving out. Since I only started the job this week my plan is to wait until I'm sure the job is safe and the probationary period is up. But my parents say I should wait several more years so I can save money so I can buy my own place (renting and buying is rather expensive where I live). They say I earn nowhere near enough to move out (I'm on an around average graduate starting salary from where I live) but I've calculated living expenses and I have more than enough to support myself. I don't go out particularly much, don't drink or smoke, don't have a car and generally don't spend a lot on myself (like on clothes). Whilst I'm not saving anywhere near as much as compared to if I stayed with my parents, I'm saving 20-25% of my income (I commonly hear 10-15% is a good amount to save, and I'm saving well above that).

I see moving out as a lifestyle choice with regards to money, and so I should be allowed to choose. It's just like choosing to go out, to drink, to get a degree, to drive, etc. Yes it's important to save money but I don't want to deprive myself, and I feel like I'm missing out on life by staying at home.

I'm Asian, so it could partly be due to cultural issues (Asian parents tend to expect their children to stay at home longer, as compared to in the US and some other countries where independence is more valued). People here seem to obsess over money as well - when I got my job I was really happy about the starting salary, yet my parents weren't as much (they immediately asked me to consider negotiating a higher salary, which I refused to as I'm just a graduate and was happy with the offer already). My attitude to money is that you don't need a lot of it to be happy, it's how you use it and obsessing over it is what makes people unhappy.

I feel like I need to move out as I don't always get on with my parents, and need my privacy and space from them (eg I don't like having to explain where I'm going all the time). In the past one year I've had some anxiety issues (I feel physically tense and uncomfortable, and that in general my health is going downhill) - at the time it started I didn't know the exact cause but since then I've found the more I stay at home the worse I feel (and I get better when I stay away from home - as I have done as I lived in another place closer to university for some time whilst I was still studying there, I place I no longer have). I haven't communicated much to my parents about my health issues yet, so a possible plan is to do so (but it's not easy as I'm afraid they won't understand).

Any thoughts or suggestions, or anyone with a similar experience?


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Superflynurse
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29 Jun 2013, 10:08 pm

Stay at home as long as you can. Home ownership has expenses that you would never think of. I just moved out for the first time last year I'm 26 btw I have already had to replace a sump pump and electrical wiring in my home. There is a tree that needs to be cut down which will cost 900 dollars. Stay home and save money I will save you a lot of heart ache later on. I know you want freedom, however bills will take that away from you quickly lol.



Thelibrarian
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29 Jun 2013, 10:13 pm

If you don't have problems getting along with your parents, I would take them up on their offer. I would save every dime possible though and put it toward my own place.

Since I didn't get along with my parents, and have been on my own since I was sixteen, I joined the navy and saved almost everything I made while in there, which is the same principle. I used my savings to buy the place I have now, which was one of the best decisions I ever made.



WrongWay
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29 Jun 2013, 10:16 pm

Superflynurse wrote:
Stay at home as long as you can. Home ownership has expenses that you would never think of. I just moved out for the first time last year I'm 26 btw I have already had to replace a sump pump and electrical wiring in my home. There is a tree that needs to be cut down which will cost 900 dollars. Stay home and save money I will save you a lot of heart ache later on. I know you want freedom, however bills will take that away from you quickly lol.


I understand there's expenses, but I've taken them all into account and made a budget and have more than enough room to pay all the bills. I also spend responsibly so it's not like I'm going to get into debt. I also have some savings which will continue to build up as I live at home for the next few months for emergencies. The only real problems is losing my job (which can be dealt with by waiting to ensure it's safe, being aware of opportunities to work in other jobs should I lose this one and building up my emergency fund) and not being able to save as much towards buying my own place.


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WrongWay
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29 Jun 2013, 10:19 pm

Thelibrarian wrote:
If you don't have problems getting along with your parents, I would take them up on their offer. I would save every dime possible though and put it toward my own place.

Since I didn't get along with my parents, and have been on my own since I was sixteen, I joined the navy and saved almost everything I made while in there, which is the same principle. I used my savings to buy the place I have now, which was one of the best decisions I ever made.


I do have problems getting on with my parents which is why I'm considering moving out, though I intend to talk to them about it to see if we can reach a better level of understanding with each other (we haven't communicated very much for some time). Best case I'll be willing to stay with them longer.

How long did you have to save up for? And were you renting a place whilst you were trying to save at the same time?


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Thelibrarian
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29 Jun 2013, 10:33 pm

WrongWay wrote:
Thelibrarian wrote:
If you don't have problems getting along with your parents, I would take them up on their offer. I would save every dime possible though and put it toward my own place.

Since I didn't get along with my parents, and have been on my own since I was sixteen, I joined the navy and saved almost everything I made while in there, which is the same principle. I used my savings to buy the place I have now, which was one of the best decisions I ever made.


I do have problems getting on with my parents which is why I'm considering moving out, though I intend to talk to them about it to see if we can reach a better level of understanding with each other (we haven't communicated very much for some time). Best case I'll be willing to stay with them longer.

How long did you have to save up for? And were you renting a place whilst you were trying to save at the same time?


I saved up for the entire four years I served in the Navy. Then I let the money grow for about eight years. Then I bought a small tract of land (22 acres), put a cabin on it, and finished school while living in that rent-free.

I had an advantage you probably don't. I began buying stocks when the Dow was under 900 (it's right at 15,000 now). So, I had enough to put up my small cabin and pay cash for it.

Before that, I worked full-time and went to school at night. I wasn't able to save really anything during that period. What I didn't spend to live was sucked up paying for my schooling. Having your own place, especially if it's paid for, will put you light years ahead of your peers.

As one of the other posters noted, there are expenses that we just can't anticipate. I bet I've sunk a hundred grand into the place I have now in addition to the new house I put up, though I have been able to recoup some of that, since I have a ranch now. My point is that things will happen to your house that you couldn't possibly anticipate.

The closer you can come to paying cash for your home, the better off you will be. You can take the money that would normally be used for mortgage or rent, save that, and be able to retire young if you so choose.



Jaden
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30 Jun 2013, 12:04 am

OP: People everywhere obsess over money, it's not just a regional thing.

I say if you're confident in your financial situation, you should do what you want. Ultimately it's your choice, not your parents' choice.


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30 Jun 2013, 7:31 am

I moved out right after I graduated college too (I was 22 at the time). It was very manageable, but also very stressful! The financial piece was do-able, but I quickly found myself without a support system and I don't exactly have the easiest time making friends and building a network.... I didn't even consider this when I moved out and that's the piece that seems to be missing from your formulation as well.
Space and independence are great, but making sure you have emotional support is important too. If you have that, great! Go for it!


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30 Jun 2013, 7:56 am

It's really your decision and not your parents.

If you move out, you'll have more privacy. You can do whatever you want with your space. You can bring home lady friends comfortably (hard to do if you live with parents lol..) You'll also spend alot more money, have alot more responsibilities, and not be able to save up.

I'm 23 and live at home. I could move out any time because I've saved a fair amount and, honestly, I make more than my parents. I choose not to so I can continue to save up and buy a house when my credit score is sufficient enough to do so.

It depends on how much you value your space, time, and money. But it's your decision to make, not your parents. Go with what suits your needs and what you feel will make you most happy. A roommate wouldn't be such a bad idea, either.


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30 Jun 2013, 8:01 am

Looking back I wish I could've saved money for a house later on.

In this economy saving money is very hard.

I think it would depend on the family and whether they let you have any freedom and treated you like an adult or like a little child.

If you live there you also must respect their rules since technically once you hit 18 you are a 'guest' in a way and it is their home their rules etc. including their views on dating and so on.

Maybe wait until you have a serious life partner and there is some other compelling reason to move out. Until then, practice for being on your own by paying them some small rent fee or paying your own insurance things like that. I think there isn't really a reason to rush out on your own if you get along with family and they don't treat you badly or patronize (talk down to) you.

It's one thing to be free to do what you want but then again you have a lifetime for that really. What will mean a lot to you in 10 or 20 years is to have your own house, paid for and owe no one.

Just my thoughts as someone looking back on life. Fun is great but, preparing for a good future is better.



BenderRodriguez
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30 Jun 2013, 11:52 am

I can see the point people make when advising you to save as much as you can, but if I were in your shoes I would move out.

There are a variety of skills you can gain from living independently, not easy to acquire otherwise, especially being autistic, and in my experience, the sooner you get them the better. Reading around these forums I can see how much I gained from having to support myself at an early age. It was tough and I had to make many sacrifices, but in the long run well worth it.



SteelBlu
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30 Jun 2013, 12:17 pm

In my opinion, mental health is more important than having optimum financial stability. I could never go back to living somewhere where everything in my home wasn't "mine," to do with as I wanted. Where I didn't have the freedom in my off time do do what I wanted without scrutiny. Yes, money can be a stressful thing all in itself, but I find that lack of freedom to structure my life the way that I want it would be much more stressful and demoralizing.

In the end, it isn't your parents' decision. Do you have a valid reason to value their opinion over yours when it comes to how you should live your life? If so, maybe mull it over with a doctor or therapist, just to get an outside opinion from someone who knows you (NOT with your parents present, if they will steamroll over what you say.) If you have no reason to value their opinion over yours, then, frankly, don't. Do what works for you. It sounds like you've thought this through, and can build yourself a support system that meets your needs, and are doing the best you can do develop self-sufficiency.

Things will be hard, and painfully scary at times. But, that's life! For me, it has always been worth it.


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30 Jun 2013, 1:23 pm

Propose renting an apartment to test out how things go. I would not recommend committing to Home Ownership. If for some reason you lost the job that would drag you down like a boat anchor.

But really since an apartment is not as strong a commitment, you could explain that if things don't work it would be easier to come back.



WrongWay
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01 Jul 2013, 7:25 am

Just an update on my situation, I talked to my mum today, mostly about the anxiety issue. The conversation seemed to go alright and I feel a bit better, and I think if we can continue communicating then it might not be so bad living at home and I might not need to rush the moving out as much. We still disagree on when I should move out (my original plan was 3 months, which I now think has potential to be extended, whereas my mum says 3 years, which I still find difficult to imagine myself staying here for), but then again there's plenty of time to see how things go.


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