Why try and fit in?

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After many years of trying to fit in, I have realized that I don't want to.

I have learned the art of small talk and can jive about trivia with the best of them, but to be honest, I get bored out of my mind doing so.

When I attend social gatherings, the standard topics of conversation are the color of new cars, new clothes they have bought, where you are going on holiday, gossip about who has got up to what, who has got which illness, how immigrants are ruining the country, who has made a social faux pas, whose relationship is falling apart, how poor people are scroungers and who is signing for which football team. Then you drink alcohol and talk about why you are better than everyone else and what everyone was doing 20 years ago.

Dull! Dull! Dull! Dull! Dull!

Apparently I am mentally deficient because this doesn't excite me. Everything is seen from the point of view of neurotypicals being the perfect standard. Oh well, ho hum.

I want to discuss psychology, philosophy, animal rights, human rights, history, astronomy, what happens when you die, scientific advances, political news, the nature of consciousness, does the soul exist......to name a few off the top of my head.

Through experience I have learned to not start talking on these topics as they are looked upon as being "heavy". Also I think people don't like discussing topics with fluctuating outcomes. They like to believe in certainties, otherwise they get threatened. They can also get very angry if your opinion doesn't coincide with theirs. So many of these topics can be seen as inflammatory. Just my opinion.

Also my bawdy sense of humor is pretty much lost on them and often considered socially inappropriate. I love making myself laugh, others just think I'm weird. i can't even hear the expression "go down" without smiling to myself. Maybe I'm just a big kid.

As Carl Jung said:
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

So at these events, even though I am surrounded by people and superficially fitting in, I'm dissatisfied and yearn for a deeper connection. So why bother? I can spend hours taking an interest in what they are interested in. No one will ever take an interest in what stimulates me.

So much emphasis seems to be put on us fitting in, so we don't get lonely, but after a time I feel lonely anyway, lol.

Obviously I want to be civil, we do share the same planet, but to be honest, I'd much rather save my energy for when I am around my wife and few close friends who like me for me.

What do you lot think?

If someone wants other people to be interested in what they are saying, some effort is needed to make it entertaining.
I don't find the usual chat interesting or entertaining either, just an annoying hum that I tune out after a while.
Personally I'm really not bothered trying too hard unless they show a glimmer of interest.
No I don't, never have and never will try to fit in.

Last edited by neilson_wheels on 08 Jul 2013, 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Social functions make me feel lonelier than sitting home alone. On top of that, I see people connecting with others, making new friendships, getting together after the social function, and I'm not, and my frustration level will skyrocket. I try doing what I see others do to make friends and only get weird looks.

Between the loneliness, and the frustrations I end up with, I recently decided to stop going to most social functions. Funny thing is that I had made this decision before I discovered Asperger's.

I, like many here I believe, think like you do. I used to run into the same problem at social gatherings with the typical NT conversations about cars and sports which are not my interests. For most of my life I turned to drinking alcohol to be able to mindlessly chat about those types of things, last year I quit drinking. Now when I go to a party (very infrequently), I either find the maybe one person whom I can relate to or I just keep to myself until my wife is ready to leave (usually the latter). All in all, drinking must have been a huge part of my life because after I quit, I no longer have any friends aside work acquaintances.

So my point is I guess, either learn to fit into the mindless chatter game (which it doesn't seem like you want to) or make new friends that you can relate to on an intellectual level. Good luck, I am still searching for that type of friend, but it's harder for me since I am in the service and most folks are A-type party guys.

I too find conversation that make you think stimulating...and most people are not into stimulating conversation.

Of course, the NT world seems to feed NTs a steady diet of insipid daily trivia rather than things that would make a person think about the bigger things in the world.

Of course another reason most people go straight to the mindless topics (at least in the US) might be because our society has driven us that way. The media, movies, and other forms make it seem that is the way to be. There is almost an atmosphere of who can be the macho-ist of the group (bang on chest.) I believe that many people might want to discuss intelligent subjects like philosophy and such, but might be scared of instant ridicule, and therefore sticks to the safe subjects like football that won't get them made fun of. We as a society need to change that I think.

I can't fit in even when I try, so yeah never have been able to. I also prefer discussing more interesting things than what most small talk consists of. I usually keep out of small talk and wait for intresting conversations to start before I really contribute anything.

This ^(the 3 posts above)^ is true to a point, but I also feel that the way we relax is fundamentally different.

I feel the NT chatter is source of relaxation, ignore all the big issues and blather on about car colour etc.
The rigours of life, debts, terrorist threats and world politics do concern NTs. When they get to socialise they want to ignore the facts of life, because they feel as powerless as the NDs.
We, on the other hand, would relax more if we could figure out the big questions in life, with the more varied input the better. I think the NTs see these discussions as a waste of time because they feel that the little people can't change the world.
It is just another fundamental difference between the life approaches of the Typical and Diverse populations.

It is possible that larger groups of people avoid discussing meaningful topics because they feel too vulnerable and are very aware of possibly being misunderstood, misinterpreted, or misquoted by someone in the group. Hence the pointless topics (consisting of tv programs and food in my female world).

I have found that the same people, even on an individual level, away from a large group, will refuse to engage in "heavy" conversations. But then I have also seen mistakes that people have made on an individual level be relayed to the larger group. So perhaps, it's ultimately the same thing.

Gosh that must be a lot of pressure, to live like that. Constantly in fear of group judgement. Eeeks! Thank God I'm mentally deficient lol.

I think those are on the spectrum of humans, from the macho chest beater to the socially anxious.

In my family there are a number of football fanatics who talk about little else when they meet. They would probably put their lives on the line before allowing dishonour of said clubs.

I do not see them often and could not tolerate this level of ridiculousness in my day to day life.

People should fit in with me.

Why try to fit in?

My #1 reason: to get and keep a job.
#2: to develop enough allies in any social setting (work, school, community) that I must be in regularly so that I will not be isolated when faced with adversity and will have some support when needed.

I know I will never be "normal" but if can be friendly with a subset of the people I regularly interact with, and make friendly gestures (gifts, favors, lifts, etc.) on a fairly regular basis, I know I will have improved my situation enormously over one of total isolation.

It's an effort, and sometimes painful, but well worth it. I dread drinks/small talk parties and tend to talk about relatively big ideas at those events in a way that is probably a bit gauche and shocking to many, but it's either that or just lurk quietly--and that can be bade because I am no small presence.

If people are coming into my world, then they have to put up with my unique characteristics--but if I am going into theirs, I have to make an effort to adapt.

I dont anymore. i realized that attempting to fit in uses too much energy

Fitting in means you feed the expectation that society has for you, whether you want to or not. The only real way you "fit in" is just being yourself and finding someone who appreciates you for who you are.

I was always alone until the middle of sixth grade, basically, the end of elementary school. I didn't have any friends, but people asked me questions that they didn't know (not schoolwork). I mean, I sometimes speculate if that's how my ex-girlfriend thought of me when we dated. I loved her because she was quiet and really nice and she loved me, guessing because I would assert my opinion. I miss those times we could... never mind.

Strangely enough, she fit in well despite being really quiet. Society probably does favor quiet females compared to introverted males.

The moment I stopped conforming was the moment the bullying stopped, I made more friends, became somewhat popular, and became someone people knew they could always rely on. So in my opinion trying to fit in is useless.