Is it okay to not talk?

Post Reply New Topic

I am asking this question because I feel scared.

In light of some recent misunderstandings I am wondering if it's okay to not talk to people so much any more. I have been told numerous times that I don't know how to communicate and that I don't know how to have friendships and that every time something bad happens in a friendship that I am in or in a conversation that I am having, it is usually because of me. The thing is that I don't ever intend to do harm and it is usually the result of a miscommunication. But people tell me that even if I didn't mean it and half the time they don't believe me, it doesn't matter because the result is still that what I said or did hurt someone or caused damage to a situation. Another problem is that when stuff like this happens I get traumatized by it because I really truly have no intention of doing what I end up doing. And I am a very sensitive and very caring person who loves people deeply. And I hate when anyone is mean.

But this sort of thing happens to me so often. And these situations never leave me. I remember them vividly for decades and they revisit me and every time the emotions and the hurt are as strong as the first time. And every time something like this happens it just reminds me that no matter how hard I try to be good I never will be and even if I have absolutely no clue that I am doing anything wrong at the time or I have no intention of hurting anyone and sometimes it even happens when I am trying to encourage someone. A while ago had a very dear friend tell me they were no longer willing to be my friend anymore because I tried to encourage them when they were hurting and they misunderstood something I said, I spent weeks trying to apologize and clear it up but it did not matter. And nothing that I said was bad, it was just that they did not understand something and took it the wrong way. But they said that being my friend took too much effort and I wasn't worth it.

I have been told that I should not talk to people because I make these mistakes sometimes. Even though I am not a person who wants to or tries to be mean at all but some of my mistakes in communication have had disastrous results sometimes. I even said something to someone when I was 15, I still to this day don't even know what exactly I said but right after I said it, their family split up and they blamed it on me.

But I am wondering if I should stop trying to talk to people so much.

I don't think avoiding people is the answer. Take a deep breath, maybe take a break, but don't give up totally. You would probably just feel worse in the long run if you just throw in the towel. Pick yourself up after a while, and give it another go.

I went through a time where I tried to avoid interactions altogether, and just ended up really depressed.

Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on 10 Aug 2013, 4:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My opinion... Real friends don't dismiss a friendship over a misunderstanding/miscommunication. You deserve better than that. Everyone deserves better than that.

After trying several other options I've gone with being "selectively mute".
Several of my neighbours in the complex I live in (there are 18 units), have had arguments with me, abused me, or assaulted me.
So now I don't talk at all to most of my neighbours.
They could walk right past me, almost bump into me, but unless they talk first I just don't say anything.
It's not the best option, but certainly you can't question the logic; if you don't talk to someone you can't argue with them.

I used to be like this when I was young, and I have reverted to it, as it is less confronting than being open to discussion that leads to arguments, people randomly abusing, you, or just not knowing what to say to some people.
At first people will think you are being rude, and some keep thinking that.
The ones that figure it out will only talk to you if they have something nice to say, and isn't that what parents used to teach their children?: "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".

So far as friends and family; diagnosis or not, if they haven't figured you out yet, or worse have figured you out, bait you and then try to blame you for getting in an argument with them, well better not to talk to them anyway!
You're never going to lose a true friend if you stop talking to someone that doesn't respect you or try to understand you, and only wants to get in arguments with you and blame it on you!
People that care about you don't do that sort of thing, and if they do, you really have to consider if it's just for show, in which case you're back to square one; they wouldn't do it if they cared.

That is a very common problem with people on the spectrum, including me. With a lot of practice, and concentration, I gradually got better.

That's why I'd rather be in groups of people because it's easier to just not talk.

At some point you can attain competence in avoiding hurting others, with knowledge and practice. It takes effort on our part to maintain relationships and to that end, you must choose which are truly worth it to you. You may have energy enough for one other relationship; consider that even shallow acquaintances are also relationships, you may have energy for several of these. So you can get your scripts (if you use them) ready for the length of time it takes to interact with whichever level of relationship you want to focus on. Perhaps you are married, you didn't mention and I don't know, but that's an important relationship to focus on.

For example, in my life, I have few work colleagues and a very independent job that does not rely on interaction with my co-workers too much to get my job done. I am married and have a pretty close relationship also with my parents. This is my limit; I have no friends outside of a handful of online acquaintances. So I found what is comfortable for me and for the people I'm involved with. If work picks up in intensity, my relationships suffer. Fortunately my work outshines my quirky personality-- also highly recommended. Excel at something that can give you confidence. People like being around confident people.

Other than this, all I can add is that it is indeed lonely to just keep skirting NT's world, never being able to immerse yourself naturally in it. Good thing there are also those on the spectrum to have relationships with.

Oh, skibum, please don't give up on talking to people.

Like you these negative interactions stick to my memory also, and I understand that it is hard on you. There are people out there that are more like you and that will appreciate you and they will be good friends, that accepts a social mistake if you were to make one. But if you don't talk to people, how would you meet the good ones? Maybe if you stop talking to people it could get difficult to to start again, or your social skills could deteriorate. So you would be in a worse position than before.

But if you really don't wish to speak and stop, there would probably not be a law against that. Just don't go down that route because some NT got mad and told you to stop speaking to people.

Wow, thank you everyone. It makes me feel more encouraged that other people have this happen also. I will take all of your advice into account and use parts or what everyone said. Thank you for telling me not to give up. It's really scary when you think that no matter how hard you try to be good you can't because other people's perceptions are so different. But I guess it's not that I'm not being good, and I have to try to understand that because when this happens it really makes me feel like a bad person. But I have to try to remember that it's not me really, it's just that they don't understand me. But I'm really glad that you guys do.

I think it is OK to take a break. If you want to.

If you feel like you are talking too much or at the wrong time or putting your foot into it, and it's making you anxious, then sure, take a small break and get your bearings again.

Build up your confidence in other ways.

Maybe some of the people around you are too harsh or judgmental.

NTs feel that way too sometimes by the way. And it's not a great feeling when you wanna communicate and it just isn't coming out the right way.

I think it gets easier as time goes on because with every occasion we learn something new.

Good luck.

PS no it isn't about being a bad person at all. The fact it bothers you shows that you care, that's all.

Yes this.

Also people can't blame all their life problems on you. They think because you're autistic it's all your fault? No, there has to be deep underlying issues for a family to break up, and I doubt something you said broke up a family - that's absurd.

You don't like conflict maybe, and a deep emotional nature might make that effect you more.

Chin up, focus on the positives

Thank you Friend. Yeah, it gets confusing sometimes for me because even though my IQ is above average, like another WP friend helped me understand about myself, my emotional quotient is very low. It is that of a young child. So emotionally sometimes I understand and perceive things and even bond to others and respond to things at a very young age level. Some emotional things I can handle fine at an adult level but not all. That can make a very difficult mix because even though the intellect will understand that some of these things people say make no sense, the emotional part might understand and believe it like a 5 or 10 year old would. And since my emotional side is much stronger sometimes even though I "know better" my brain still predominantly processes the experience as a 5 or ten year old. This is a constant source of, I don't want to necessarily say struggle, maybe challenge is a better word, for me. Sometimes the two sides battle like the intellect will say, why do you feel this, it's silly but I can't help feeling it.

I have also been told that we don't know if even with therapy that part of the brain could grow or if it did if it would grow by much because I was already over 40 when it was recognized that I have a child's brain in some ways. But when something hits me strongly emotionally the intellectual part kind of takes a back seat and kind of knows stuff but it does not kick in as much. So it's really easy for me to get scared and confused and I guess some people can take advantage of that. I think it makes some people uncomfortable too because they don't understand and they are not sure what to do or what to make of it. I guess it's because of their own insecurity. And I guess it can look really weird to other people. But I have to have understanding and compassion about that in others because I know full well what it is like to be insecure.

But thank you. You encourage me a lot here and I really appreciate it so much.

I must be going crazy, I thought you called me Freud for a moment!

You're welcome, I like to help where I can and where it's wanted. I don't forget that you helped me before either when I was unsure of things.

Not talking isn't any more or less of a problem than talking is.

Not talking is only a problem when you can't ask for help/things that help you survive (well, unless you don't want to).

@OP

Ok, here's the deal:

No matter what you do, someone, somewhere is going to have problems with it. If you want to talk to people, then they have to make just as much effort in communicating with you, as you do with them. If they can't handle that and they tend to blame you for problems that they have with you, then you have every right to not speak to them.

If you decide to not speak with them and they ask you why, I'd reply as follows:

"You like to blame communication problems between us, on me, so I'm solving it by not speaking at all. If that's a problem then perhaps you should help the situation by giving more than 10% effort in understanding why I communicate this way. You can't expect me to communicate like you when I just can't.".

People like to say that "clear communication is the responsibility of the communicator" but the fact is, it depends on both the communicator and the receiver (listener). If the listener is unwilling to take steps in helping them understand what is being communicated, then it's a waste of effort to communicate to them.

In finality, you must do what makes you comfortable in the situation that you are given, if not communicating helps you and you don't have a problem with it, then go right ahead (I don't socialize offline, because of the same reasons btw).

Thank you. What you guys are saying makes a lot of sense. And Jaden you are right. The NT who told me that they no longer wanted to be my friend because it was too much effort, must not have realized how much effort it took for me to be their friend. It really should be a two way street. That is only fair.

I remember we were at a family function once and I had gone off to rest and one of my family members came in and told me I had to come back out and be social. I was exhausted. I was too exhausted to fight it so I just went back out and sat. But it's good to know that it's not rude or disrespectful to say, "no, I can't come out and talk", or to say, "we both have to make equal efforts here."