I had a public meltdown today and I feel lousy about it

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I was doing a training thing for work that I had to drive an hour to get to and then lost my keys in an awful downpour and was looking at the possibility of either being stranded there indefinitely or leaving my car behind to get a ride with someone, having no idea when or how I'd be able to get back there. All of it finally became too much although my undoing wasn't the lost keys or even the rain, what finally did me in was my untied shoelace and how much I hated stepping on it but there was no way I could bend down to tie it without putting down my umbrella and getting even more soaked. So anyway, I had a full meltdown in view of the people running the training, and while they are not associated with my workplace directly and hopefully won't tell anyone who is, I still feel like absolute crap about the whole thing. I hate it when I can't control myself around people. The meltdowns almost wouldn't be THAT bad if they never happened when people were watching, but sometimes they do. Anyway I just feel really bad and needed to tell someone so I came here.

I'm glad you felt you were able to tell us. I don't think anyone passing by would remember it after about five minutes everybody's too interested in themselves.

Shoe laces can bring out the worst in people, I can't even tie mine so I just tuck them in.

I hope you feel better soon.

Don't be so hard on yourself dude, a lot of people can get stressed and can even have some outburst over it. I know this is different but it's as much a part of you as stress is a part of everyone.

For me being embarrased has historically been a pretty painful experience, so I get where you're coming from. It's slightly different now I'm getting to know myself better, so I'm able to let most of it go. It's probably going to take a few days for you to start healing from this but maybe cut yourself some slack and try to get it off your mind.

Hopefully your work place is undersanding of this, and I don't see that the training center will dob you in just for the sake of it, as it's not in their interest and it probably takes a pretty mean mentality for them to do that.

Yes, meltdowns/outbursts can make you feel embarrassed about yourself afterwards. They can even make you feel rotten, like you wish you could turn the clocks back and make it not happen the second time.

I'm not the sort to have outbursts and things out in public because I'm too sensitive about humiliation and ridicule, but I remember about 4 years ago I got into a bit of a state in a busy bus-station because the bus-driver (who I fancied) was being horrible to me because he had recently been reported for flirting with me. Some busybody had reported him and we both didn't know who and I wanted to find out but knew I couldn't just go around asking, and it just angered me. I had a friend with me who had learning difficulties but was very patient and didn't feel embarrassed at all. I wasn't doing anything too drastic, I was just pacing about a bit, crying and hitting my thighs and whining loud about it, but it attracted attention from most people in the bus-station. I even saw a man turn around to take one last look at me before he got on one of the buses. I felt like yelling, ''yeah, look all you want, won't f*****g change the way I'm feeling right now.''

I still feel ashamed about it now because some of the people in the bus-station were regular passengers who get on my bus a lot and know my face, so they probably still see me and remember what I did to this day. If it had of been somewhere I don't go very often and don't know or recognise anybody, it wouldn't of been so bad. Everyone who saw would've just forgotten about it like 10 minutes after.

if it makes you feel any better, just last week i had one of my tantrums in public (it was in a bus station actualy, like the person above posted), i stomped my feet and was holding a folded umbrella and i shoved it up my bum (not litrally) and done it in a dramatic way, but this was in anger and frustration. it made my workmates laugh at me (well, these word ''mates'' were bullying me, thats why i got angry), and within a day the whole company knew about it, some were laughing in a making fun of way, others were concerned in a sympathetic way. lucky i dont feel embarassed that often only sometimes, so i dont care. i just dont talk to the ones i dont like at work. but i suppose that not the case for everyone with asd, some feel embarassment more than others.

That meltdown was nothing.
I've had a supervisor call me whilst I was doing something, and I threw my work phone across the room.
I had to call my work phone from my personal mobile to find it and retrieve it, as I couldn't see where it went.
This was in the middle of doing a room set up for staff, some of whom were in the room at the time.

I've also been walking down the road, my wife called my mobile, I spoke to her, and the call cut out due to bad reception.
I threw my phone on the ground and smashed it to pieces; all in front of people outside a local bakery.

I once couldn't find me keys, and spent half an hour looking for them, before finally taking off with my spare keys.
I drove about 40km before realising the keys were sitting in the keyhole in the car boot lock.

When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I had to take very strong painkiller meds.
As it wore off I became irrational.
So much so that I got frustrated with the organ my father had insisted on purchasing, which he had placed at the top of the stairs from the garage, partially blocking the stairway.
I punched, kicked and belted the organ until half the keys were destroyed.

I also had an argument with my Dad when I was a teenager, where he sent me to my room, then followed me to abuse me and ridicule me.
I punched him so hard in the chest I thought I'd killed him, as he fell to the ground and struggle to breathe.
Sometimes I wish I had killed him.

There are numerous other meltdowns I can recall, some at my parents house, some at work, some in private, some more public, and some in my house with my current wife.
The thing is, some will understand what the meltdowns are about if you explain it to them, or if they do a bit of homework to understand autism. Some won't even if you try to explain it to them.
Those that can understand will empathise, and they are the ones that will support you.
Those that think you're a freak, or just a psycho, well they were never going to really care about you any way, so don't bother about them.
That's one of the good things about autism; when others learn about it and know it effects you, it sorts the wheat from the chaff.
Better to be around understanding and supportive people, than judgemental people that don't really care about you.

i don't have to worry about laces. my shoes are velcro.


and i've had meltdowns at work before. when i came out of it...i felt disoriented and couldn't focus enough to do any work the rest of the day.

I hate public meltdowns. I absolutely hate them. They make me feel horrible. Meltdowns are by far the worst. I remember one I had on a bus where everyone on the bus was saying where I had to be making up stuff, because I was acting abnormal and trying to use coping skills and the bus driver didn't like my coping skills, because I was standing when there were seats available and that made him uncomfortable, but sitting would have been worse, and then everyone on the bus started treating me horrid until I melted down really badly for me, and threw my phone as hard as I could on the floor of the bus was part of it, and I don't remember the rest, and then the bus driver actually went out of his way to apologize to me instead of wanting me to apologizing for melting down.

He'd apparently not really understood why I had a disabled bus pass, and wasn't taking me seriously until I melted down, and let people taunt me, and felt bad.

But I felt so bad after that meltdown.

Worry not, I had a full melt down in class a few hours ago. Mostly from unexpected things happening. We had an unannounced mock practice test with no notes or book allowed (this was supposed to be our review day), and then we could work in groups (I am bad at that and choose to work on my own), but the talking was too loud even with ear plugs. And I did not have silly putty, enough scratch paper because I was not expecting a mock test, the mock test was in a different format that our normal tests etc. All little things. Put together I was a rocking gibbering mess with tears running down my face unable to talk much until I screamed "be quiet" and ran out of the class room.

I've had several and each time for me there's a huge sense of accomplishment and triumph and at the same time it's embarrassment and guilt.

You know there's a wise saying that goes "s**t happens"

I hate them too. I had an outburst at my son's school before.... I've had them in a lot of public places, especially prior to being diagnosed.

I know how embarrassing it is and it's really hard to forgive yourself, but please try.

I have had multiple meltdowns over the years. They are so many that I can't remember most of them anymore. They generally involve me digging in my heels irrespective of any unwanted consequences to myself including loss of job, financial loss or ending of a relationship.

When I get to the meltdown trigger point, any further pressure results in me yelling at people and shaking; basically its a full blown tantrum. In the process I signal very clearly that I will do whatever it takes to extricate myself from what is causing my unhappiness; the lengths I will go to are unlimited. Fortunately, I have sufficient presence in mind to walk out of situations rather than get violent. I will walk out on meetings, jobs, relationships before I get into physical confrontation. I definitely have a stronger instinct to flee than fight. It may appear to be backing down but it isn't and even if it was, I am happy because if I was a fighter I would probably be a criminal by now.

When I have a meltdown, the outcomes are final and in the vast majority of cases the emotional severance is complete in my mind and I experience a state of tranquil finality with no associated regret. The feeling of 'tranquil finality' is followed by a cold and clinical logic that bars off any return to the previous state of affairs.

The potential adverse effects of these metdowns on my career and relationships is a key area of concern that I am addressing by regular psychologist sessions.

Don't worry too much about it I remember when there were public telephones in the 80's and I couldn't get it to work I had a meltdown right in front of someone I slammed the reciever on the phone and really swore.

Everybody has their moments. I have seen coworkers throw clipboards in frustration, yell at people, and storm off. When I feel like I am going to lose it, which isn't very often due to the physical demands of my job allowing me to burn of energy, I go and break down cardboard crates or "beat up a pallet".

oh boy do i know about the stepped on shoelaces!


Those, along with biting the inside of my cheek was eating food= meltdown activated

It's always embarrassing to have one in public. I am glad I haven't had one in a while. It's always embarrassing.