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Joannana
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11 Aug 2013, 1:47 pm

Hey sorry if this problems has already been discussed, but I was just wondering if other aspies have trouble with the following;
I get overly attached to people, especially if they have hurt or mistreated me. I somehow believe that I must care greatly for them if I allow them to hurt me repeatedly.
Does this in any way sound familiar?

I've not been in touch with this person, and do not talk to him whenever I see him. But I still feel like I care for him and want to be with him. I feel terribly bad about putting myself in such a vulnerable position. It's very not-like-me to be that way.

How can I move on from this?
And how can I make sure I don't get in a bad situation with a new person I may meet? Whenever someone hurts my feelings now I address the problem and wait for them to apologize and I show some distance and distrust in them. But I honestly don't want to be so guarded. I'd like to be able to trust people and not be so affected by people who hurt me.

Thanks in advance for reading, feel free to correct bad spelling etc, I'm only learning.



sociable_hermit
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11 Aug 2013, 2:08 pm

I have had similar issues in the past and I think it comes down to self-esteem and possibly an element of co-dependency.

In order to be happy in friendships and relationships you first of all need to be happy in yourself. A cliche, perhaps, but a true one.

If you want to be with someone, that is a good sign. If you NEED to be with someone to bolster your own sense of self-worth, that is a bad sign.

Yes long term friendships and relationships involve intricate bonds, but they only really work if each person is complete in themselves to start with.

You may well need to seek help in becoming more confident and at ease with yourself - in holding yourself in higher esteem, and knowing that you can function perfectly well as a human being on your own, so that having others around you is nice, not essential, and damaging relationships can be appropriately abandoned. I suspect at present you allow people around you who make you feel bad because you think you aren't good enough to be treated properly and deserve to feel bad. You don't. Get some help with this.


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Willard
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11 Aug 2013, 2:11 pm

The solution is to keep letting people hurt you, until the pain scars your soul so deeply, you stop caring about anyone any more. Eventually, you'll be pretty much dead inside and incapable of having feelings that can be crushed. You can still like people and engage them casually, but you won't get those pesky 'love' feelings anymore.

No, seriously, it worked for me.



redrobin62
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11 Aug 2013, 2:17 pm

I wonder if this is anything like Stockholm Syndrome. To wit:

Stockholm syndrome, or capture–bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them.

I'm trying to relate this to physical rather than mental pain.

People actually pay good money to see people who will whip, beat, humiliate and torture them. Of course I'm talking about masochists.

There is such a thing as masochistic personality disorder.

The masochist has been taught from an early age to hate herself and consider herself unworthy of love and worthless as a person. Consequently, he or she is prone to self-destructive, punishing, and self-defeating behaviors. Though capable of pleasure and possessed of social skills, the masochist avoids or undermines pleasurable experiences. He does not admit to enjoying himself, seeks suffering, pain, and hurt in relationships and situations, rejects help and resents those who offer it. She actively renders futile attempts to assist or ameliorate or mitigate or solve her problems and predicaments.



Joannana
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11 Aug 2013, 2:44 pm

sociable_hermit wrote:
I have had similar issues in the past and I think it comes down to self-esteem and possibly an element of co-dependency.

In order to be happy in friendships and relationships you first of all need to be happy in yourself. A cliche, perhaps, but a true one.

If you want to be with someone, that is a good sign. If you NEED to be with someone to bolster your own sense of self-worth, that is a bad sign.

Yes long term friendships and relationships involve intricate bonds, but they only really work if each person is complete in themselves to start with.

You may well need to seek help in becoming more confident and at ease with yourself - in holding yourself in higher esteem, and knowing that you can function perfectly well as a human being on your own, so that having others around you is nice, not essential, and damaging relationships can be appropriately abandoned. I suspect at present you allow people around you who make you feel bad because you think you aren't good enough to be treated properly and deserve to feel bad. You don't. Get some help with this.


Hi Hermit,

Thanks so much for your reply. I think I might have expressed myself wrongly, because I am most definately not the person to go back into bad relationships with people and whenever someone treats me badly repeatedly I have no problem terminating these relationships.

I know I can function on my own fine and I know I should not be around people that don't want the best for me. It's just... It really bothers me that I still sometimes feel the need for this certain person, I would never act on it, but still keep the desire to.

Maybe I would need a bit of help in learning to love myself. I'm only 23 though, so I'm not rushing trying to love myself. I'm sure it will come in good time.

I just wish I'd forget about this person that mistreated me. I know he's not worthy of my attention and affection. Any tips in this area would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks again for the help Hermit.



Joannana
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11 Aug 2013, 2:47 pm

I find the comments about stockholm syndrome a bit insulting.
Makes me feel like you assume I have stockholm sydrome or that my relations have been of such horrid form. Please think more carefully before you post.



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11 Aug 2013, 2:48 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
People actually pay good money to see people who will whip, beat, humiliate and torture them. Of course I'm talking about masochists.


You're in danger of conflating healthy BDSM with a personality problem. Don't do that.

I quite fancy the idea of being whipped, but humiliation would not be for me.



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11 Aug 2013, 3:13 pm

Joannana wrote:
Hi Hermit,

Thanks so much for your reply. I think I might have expressed myself wrongly, because I am most definately not the person to go back into bad relationships with people and whenever someone treats me badly repeatedly I have no problem terminating these relationships.

I know I can function on my own fine and I know I should not be around people that don't want the best for me. It's just... It really bothers me that I still sometimes feel the need for this certain person, I would never act on it, but still keep the desire to.

Maybe I would need a bit of help in learning to love myself. I'm only 23 though, so I'm not rushing trying to love myself. I'm sure it will come in good time.

I just wish I'd forget about this person that mistreated me. I know he's not worthy of my attention and affection. Any tips in this area would be hugely appreciated.

Thanks again for the help Hermit.


Ok, that is good, you are in a better place than I thought you were.

Low self-esteem tends to be one of those self-fulfilling things - it perpetuates itself. Gaining confiidence can take a lot of work but one you've started it's an upward spiral. It does take work, though.

I'm not going to recommend anything revolutionary. There are self-help books, and CBT can help by conditioning the brain to think in more positive ways. Hypnotherapy can help. Making time to value yourself and your well-being is perhaps the best thing of all. That means doing things you want to do for yourself, rather than running around after everyone else. Keeping in contact with friends and family, because you deserve that friendship and support in your life. Treating yourself to things occasionally. Maybe meditation, yoga or massages to give you some 'down time' and help you feel happier about how you look and how you feel. Time to think. Eating healthily, but enjoying what you eat. Exercising, which releases a lot of positive hormones (others cleverer than I will tell you what they are - endorphins, possibly?).

This advice probably seems rather generic when your issue is a very specific one. It sounds to me as though you have unfinished business with this person - regrets, perhaps at a potential happiness that has been lost through misunderstanding or poor timing or just the fickle fingers of fate. That may well be true. But the thing to remember is that you cannot truly weigh these things up until both of you are in a fit and healthy state. All you can do is ensure that you are content in yourself - that you learn and develop and grow stronger and more complete. If they choose to do the same, and eventually reach the same plateau, THEN you can make your choices. But until then the dice are loaded, and no matter how hard you both try it won't work out.

There are writers and poets who say that unrequited love is the most romantic love of all. That's nonsense - it's poisonous and soul-destroying. Let it go for now and concentrate on yourself, and hope the other party does the same. You can't force them, and it isn't your issue, so don't get involved. One day you will be happy enough in yourself to judge whether you really want anything to happen between you, and strong enough to ensure that it happens in the right way and for the right reasons. Or maybe your life will take a completely different course, who knows? But either way you are guaranteed to be much, much happier in whatever relationship you do end up in, whether it's this one or one quite different.


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qawer
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11 Aug 2013, 3:14 pm

Willard wrote:
The solution is to keep letting people hurt you, until the pain scars your soul so deeply, you stop caring about anyone any more. Eventually, you'll be pretty much dead inside and incapable of having feelings that can be crushed. You can still like people and engage them casually, but you won't get those pesky 'love' feelings anymore.

No, seriously, it worked for me.


I can relate.



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11 Aug 2013, 3:16 pm

I do my best not to get attached to people.


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11 Aug 2013, 3:17 pm

Tequila wrote:
redrobin62 wrote:
People actually pay good money to see people who will whip, beat, humiliate and torture them. Of course I'm talking about masochists.


.

I quite fancy the idea of being whipped, but humiliation would not be for me.
I don't understand. What is it that makes you like it? Doesn't it hurt?



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11 Aug 2013, 3:20 pm

It's not for me.


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11 Aug 2013, 3:23 pm

skibum wrote:
I don't understand. What is it that makes you like it? Doesn't it hurt?


The sensations, the endorphin rush, the idea of being submissive yet also in control, the reminder of the spanking the day afterwards... :)

Sounds like fun. However, I wouldn't want it too hard as otherwise I think it would just hurt and be painful, but some people like their spankings to be extremely painful.



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11 Aug 2013, 3:25 pm

OP, you're the one who gave the impression that your relations were of a horrid form. To wit:

"I get overly attached to people, especially if they have hurt or mistreated me."

I didn't say it was Stockholm Syndrome, but it is akin to it. Love thy abuser. That sort of thing.



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11 Aug 2013, 3:33 pm

Joannana wrote:
I find the comments about stockholm syndrome a bit insulting.
Makes me feel like you assume I have stockholm sydrome or that my relations have been of such horrid form. Please think more carefully before you post.
Following your initial post, Stockholm Syndrome seems quite a mild guess as to what might be wrong with your skills in relating to others.

If you use those type of verbal skills with whomever you feel mistreated you instead of on an internet forum, you might not feel so victimized.


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redrobin62
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11 Aug 2013, 4:03 pm

I just came across this essay from Counselling Resource. It's called 'Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser."

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/ther ... stockholm/