Depression from Childhood; Possibly AS?

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First, I would like to thank anyone who actually reads this and considers it. I do appreciate it.

Secondly, I'd like to start off by saying I've never been "diagnosed" with Asperger's...ever. I'm a 23 year old male who has been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. To be completely honest, I just remember my mother being handed a prescription for Paxil when I was 10; I was forever labeled. The only diagnostics that have been done on me since then have been those ridiculous 10 question pamphlets that every doctor gives to a "emotional" person. Yesterday, my therapist floated the idea by me. I asked her what her opinion was, and her response was,"If depression and anxiety had never been diagnosed, or we were certain it was neither, I would say high functioning Asperger's." My "stone-faced" affect to everything we discuss was indicative of something of the sort.

I don't want to go to in-depth with my life history. I know that I began speaking in full sentences around 16 months. I'm not sure when I began to read, but I always excelled at it. From the age of 5, I've enjoyed writing short stories. I can recall always having an exceptional memory. I am still able to remember situations that occurred when I was 18 months old, and so on. I think around the age of 7 or 8 I began to feel different. My school was very small (32 total people), and I was always focused on getting the trophy for highest GPA; the few friends I made seemed to come and go. My mother suffered from postpartum depression throughout my childhood; being hospitalized twice, and undergoing ECT. I was very aware of what was going on. I know that affected me deeply. I saw my mother hurting, and I'm sure I internalized a lot of her pain. My father was lonely, and I knew that somehow. I rarely cried. I felt as though I shouldn't.

Even though I didn't have a lot of close friends growing up, I wasn't an unpopular person. Then, around 11 or so, I started getting called weird. People still liked me, but I was more of the class clown (now in a bigger school). I know now that I was desperately trying to fit in, and I didn't understand why I would get scolded for doing something similar to my "friends." The bullying continued; I was in denial about it. I wanted them to be my friends. This continued on, into high school, and I finally left. I couldn't stand people. They were different, mean, dishonest, but hated my honesty. I was very loyal and too trusting. It was my fault, but it broke me. I was homebound for a year; I was happy to keep busy with my work and watch anime, but I knew that being alone wasn't looked upon as "normal..."

Let's skip to now. I'm 23. My last relationship with a female was over a year and a half ago. I felt as though she liked me way too much; and, while I don't mind physical intimacy, it began to annoy me. I really have no passions, but marathoning various TV shows/anime/manga/books. I guess I like stories. When my therapist suggested AS, she also said,"I wouldn't diagnose you with it though. You're too empathetic." To which I immediately thought,"BS! Too empathetic? I'm a human being. I know when people are sad. (In all honesty, the sadness of others piques my curiosity, and I like to feel helpful. I guess, I look for answers to my "depression" in the sadness of other people.)" I think obsessively. I've been on most modern antidepressants, a few anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety meds, and mood stabilizers. Nothing has helped. My obsessive thoughts are usually "daydreams" that run amok. "If I was a superhero, what would my power be?" "If I got transported back to ancient Greece, how would they view me?" "If I was in the Dragonball Z universe, I wouldn't want to be a saiyan. I'd be a new type of alien...(if you get this, thanks.)..." And then those thoughts branch, and branch again, again, once more, and more...and it's been hours. All the while, I can be doing tasks like studying, or talking to a friend. Sometimes I research things in depth; mainly names and etymologies of random words/names. On many occasions I have fretted over naming a custom character in a videogame...even if it's single player and no one else sees it...Yes, it will drive me insane if I have to live with it. I have often deleted characters in Skyrim simply because I disliked their look/name...after spending hours creating and playing them.


I'm out of school. One day, all of the pressure broke me. I was doing well in school, I had a beautiful girlfriend, and friends that I didn't hate. It was somehow all too much. I don't want to say I had a nervous breakdown. I tried so hard to stay, but I couldn't think of anything to do.

I am emotional. But, I've always wondered about that. I often get the feeling that these can't be my emotions. I continually tell all psych-professionals,"I don't know what I'm feeling." I have a tempest in my mind of raw emotions that I couldn't name or pick out, even if I could dig into my own mind. Then I can't think. I can usually devour a book, and regurgitate the information. My friends (I have "true" friends now) often joke that I have an encyclopedia of useless information in my head. Example:
Friend:"Who was in that one stupid movie about [something incredibly girly and feminine]?"
Me:"Jennifer Aniston."
Friend:"Did you actually see it?!"
Me:"No."
Friend:"Then how do you know she was in it???"
Me:"I have no clue. I just do. I saw a preview once, maybe?"
Regardless of that, when I feel my mind start churning with emotion after emotion, I cannot absorb new information. I can read a paragraph over and over again, and it simply can't anchor in my mind. That's strange for me.

Also, I understand that we all wear "metaphorical masks" to protect our psyches from the scorn of others'. I've always tried so hard to find people that I can unmask myself to; I can finally be my true self. Then I do what I think that is, and I still feel like I'm not completely divulging everything; the connection I desired can't be made. As though I have a secret that I KNOW is buried in my brain, but there aren't words I can use to put it into a sentence. This "depression" thing has been a part of my life for years, and I honestly believe that it's due to me never feeling as though I fit. That's the core of it. I'm afraid that I'll remain alone; a puzzle piece in the wrong box.

So this has been increasingly exhausting. All of this is difficult to put into words without draining me physically and mentally.
I don't think that I've fully covered everything. I doubt I've even given anyone enough information to go on. If anyone willing to help has questions, I will answer them fervently. If you think I'm simply depressed and anxious, or some variation of those disorders, then please let me know. But, if there's a chance that I can find out why I've felt out of place since the 1st grade, I'll take it. (Sorry for any spelling/grammatical errors. I'm rushing myself. I don't WANT to reread this... :/)

Thanks for reading,
Nova

Nova, I can totally relate.
I wasn't diagnosed with autism (previously called Asperger's until the DSM 5 came out), until about a month ago.
I self diagnosed a few years ago, but it took a while to find someone that would diagnose me, as the focus is generally on diagnosis and treatment of younger people, such as primary school kids.
Like you, I present well rarely cry, (though I'm getting older and it gets easier as you get towards middle age), and other doctors and psych's have told me I could not be autistic, as I maintain eye contact too well, am too articulate, and can empathise.

The reality is I can empathise, but I can't always show it, express it, or get rid of the emotion when I can feel someone else's pain.
Sometimes I can't feel it, and I don't know why; it could be someone really close to me, but sometimes my empathy just shuts down of its own accord, and sometimes it's hyper empathy, like I might cry watching a movie, in a scene that doesn't affect others.

I had a breakdown when I was 17.
I'd changed schools, left school, been through a few jobs, and broken up with a girlfriend, all in a fairly brief period of time.
The result was that I lost the plot, and ended up in hospital and was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, which at first was thought to be schizophrenia, then just a psychotic break down, and then pretty much disregarded.
What I didn't and can't disregard though, is the sense of helplessness, vulnerability, and trauma that I suffered being forced to stay in hospital for a few weeks, being subjected to a lumbar puncture, and being medicated with such strong drugs that I was out of my mind for the duration of my stay, and for several weeks afterwards, as I as heavily medicated with prescription drugs.

Worse than that, my parents decided that I must have caused my own mental illness, and that I must have been heavily into street drugs to have caused this.
For the rest of my life, I was blamed for causing my own breakdown.

Years later I had a depressive episode that lead to diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and eventually lead to the breakdown of a marriage, a suicide attempt, and worse, being forced to live with my parents, who had, and continue to label me as immature, irresponsible, and the cause of my own self destruction, sabotage, and misery. As if!

I'm now 41 years old, have little contact with my 13 year old daughter, can't stand my own family, and thankfully have a second chance with my current wife.
I would say if you already have a doctor that hints that you may have autism, that you should ask them where to go to get a formal diagnosis.

It took me years to have someone take me seriously when I realised there must be something underlying causing my depression and anxiety, and now that I have gotten to the point of acceptance (which is a story within itself), I have found only now has my depression and anxiety subsided to tolerable levels.

For goodness sake, if you think you may be on the spectrum, (Autism is on a spectrum, which includes low functioning up to high functioning, previously referred to as Asperger's syndrome), then get diagnosed.
I was no Paxil (Aropax in Australia) for a few years, and it contributed to my suicide attempt; you need to uncover the root cause of your problems, not just treat the symptoms.

Anyway, like you there is a lot more to the story, and this would probably have read better had I not shared a bottle of red wine with my wife, prior to her going to bed and me logging on.

You are fine, but you would benefit from a diagnosis, just accept that it will take a while, that it will take a while also to take in the diagnosis, and that it will only be a step along the way.
Only by understanding yourself, your limitations, and your strengths will you find inner peace. tranquillity, and a chance to be happier in life.
It all starts without knowing what you're dealing with, and that can only happen with a correct diagnosis from a caring and empathetic professional. Best if like me, you get your diagnosis from someone that can also do the follow up therapy, and help you work out a strategy to deal with the diagnosis, and what it will mean for you.

Regards.

Ben.

Only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional can render a valid diagnosis of an Autism Spectrum Disorder. To the best of my knowledge, no one on WrongPlanet is qualified to make such a diagnosis. So, if you think that you may have an ASD or a depressive disorder (or both), then seek counsel with an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional, and not strangers on social websites.

Self-diagnosis is self-defeating. Don't let any poseurs convince you otherwise.

I definitely appreciate the two responses that I received. I do plan on talking to my psychiatrist about this in a few days, but I have very little hope that he will even entertain the possibility. That's generally been my experience with mental health professionals. "Well, you've been diagnosed since 10 years of age, why would I change that?" That's generally the response I seem to get. No one seems to want to run diagnostics, try something new (except medications, of course). So, I'm reaching out to a community of people who know the most about the subject. I have lost a lot of faith in the medical community over the years. When it comes to mental health, I think only the "patients" can truly know what's best. The doctors are simply regurgitating a book, and already have their own opinion.

To Ben, I definitely see some correlation. I maintain eye contact, but it's something that I was taught to do. It's something very hard for me to do, but my father was in the military, so it's one of the things I try my best to do in any situation. I also tend to lean towards hyper-empathy and "hypo"-empathy per varying situations. Crying during movies/TV shows is another thing that happens; I usually can't figure out why, because it's always something too subtle. I've also been accused by girlfriends that I "want to be depressed and lonely" or I "sabotage [myself] on purpose. I can only reply to this with,"Yeah. Maybe? I don't know, probably?" The only thing I know is that I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at 10 years old. Even my current psychiatrist says,"That honestly doesn't make sense. Children at that age shouldn't even be able to be diagnosed with depression." And, as I mental health professional, I probably trust him the most. He's the only one that's never said,"You're just to resistant to treat." The supposed best adolescent psychiatrist in our state basically gave up on me. I'm not discrediting Fnord; I think he's correct. Only a professional can render a valid diagnosis. But, I think it says a lot that since I've been obsessing over this matter, things in my life are making more sense. The more I read these various "testimonials" I learn more about my own mental processes. Oddly enough, they've made me think:"Maybe I'm not so different." So I do understand the opinion that I may simply be looking for something to feel "special," but I'm simply trying to learn more about why I think the way I do.

With that line of reasoning, you could say that only the criminals can truly know the best sentence they should receive, that only the students can truly know the best grades they should receive, and only the unemployed can truly know the best jobs they should receive.

Of course, if what you're really saying is that you disagree with the expert opinions of people who have gone through six years of university and clinical training, passed a State licensing board exam, and examined dozens (if not hundreds) of patients other than yourself, then it is obvious what your opinion is really worth.

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No one here can diagnose you, but your experiences will resonate with many people on Wrong Planet, including me. My suggestion is that you consider seeing a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist who specializes in Autism spectrum disorder.

If you don't know already, ask your psychiatrist if s/he has a specialization in ASD. There are many people who get misdiagnosed by clinicians without that particular specialization.

In my case, I was diagnosed with the (ancient) equivalent of Autism spectrum disorder when I was around six years old.

I often don't know when others are sad. Does that make me not a human being?

I care if I know. But I can't care about something if I don't know it's there.

I'm not entirely sure if you're attacking me, but okay? I could address this analogical line of thinking, but it would only look as though I'm trying to antagonize. That's not what I'm looking for on this forum. I'm looking for insight. Instead of poking holes, can't you help give me more insight? So, if it helps me not annoy you, I'll simply clarify.

You're correct, I don't trust many medical professionals. They rely too heavily on the DSM, and use Occam's razor too readily. Occam's razor was meant to save money; but that's rarely the case anymore, so why NOT think outside of the box? On the other hand, if a doctor is using his past experiences with other patients, similar to myself, I feel as though he/she is rather capable. Does that sit better with you? I'm compiling my own framework. I'm trying to learn more about ASD before I approach my Psychiatrist. He has said things to me before, but almost refuses to reevaluate me. He admits that I am not a typical patient; he considers me not much like his other depressed/anxious patients. So, yes, I will talk to him, but can't I ask questions of people on the spectrum? Even if I don't fall on the spectrum, at least I'll have a better appreciation of it. Right? That's not a terrible thing; I don't think.

P.S. - Thank you, Dr. Mark! I will take it into consideration.