Stupid Stuff People Say to Autistics

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If the pre diagnoses me met the me of today I would have never said those things to him but I would have thought 3,4 and 6. In addition I would have thought that inward looking psychological stuff is a strange thing for a very hetro guy to be into (If I knew me was hetro). The last one I am dead sure about because I thought the very same thing when my boss told me "I was a little bit autistic" in the late 90's. Rudeness I don't like and never did, but who am I judge an NT negatively for being clueless?

I concur with this. It's also taken offensively because they're basically saying, "You seem okay even in spite of your autism," as if autism were some horrible disease to be ashamed of or overcome. It's like they're telling us they still like us even though we're defective.

People can just generally act as if you are not even worthy of being, or existence.

''You've just got to get off your bum'' - to an Aspie who is reliable and efficient in his or her job but only does part time because of anxiety and lack of social skills that is holding them back. In other words, a lot of high-functioning Aspies get called lazy.

I've had that one thrown at me at least twice during my high school years. Why? Because I didn't really talk to anyone I didn't know that well, or in fact talk much at all other than a few greetings and comments.

I just laugh. "Ha! Me Retarted? Out of the two of us, I'm the retarted one? Have you ever heard yourself speak? Seriously?"

My Hubby likes to comment that what is being defined as "empathy" is actually "clairvoyance."

I think he's right.

My opinion on empathy?? All ANYONE can do is put themselves in what they know of someone else's position and try to give what they would like to get. This, actually, IS EMPATHY. The ability to crawl inside someone else's head and look out through their eyes would be "telempathy," "clairvoyance," "mind-reading," or some other supernatural power.

The difference between us and NT's is a matter of preferences, and it actually goes both ways. An NT will do a good job of showing empathy to an NT, because, as a general rule, they react in the same ways and want the same things. This breaks down, of course, over barriers of cultural understandings and past traumas and such. A spectrumite will, in the same way, oftentimes be more successful than an NT in showing empathy to a spectrumite. For the same reasons.

I think ToM research is slowly supplanting the "empathy" canard. It's just still imperfect itself. I read, somewhere, the statement that ASD and NT lack "an accurate theory of each other's minds." I stood there slack-jawed for a minute, because it was the first time I heard it stated as a mutual thing, instead of "People with ASD lack Theory of Mind," with theory of mind being defined as the ability to understand that others have minds of their own.

I often forget why being Asperger can be dreadful, and then I come to WP and am reminded of the awful things social people say. It is good to be reminded because a cloud of unease or anxiety will accumulate around me and I slip into blaming myself, as if there is no cause for my anxiety except a malfunctioning nervous system. Then I read what other Aspies have experienced and remember how mean people can be; how strange the NT world is, how irritating and confusing the 'rules' are, and how pointless all those rules seem to me. It's like having sand paper rubbed on my skin, like having a stick poked at me, like being locked in a cage. It's not as if the NT world is working well - what a horrible model - look at Congress!

Do wild animals suffer the same reactions when captured and confined? I think they must. Has anyone watched Blackfish - the documentary about killer whales?

To be honest, I think NTs have poor ToM even with other NTs...

NTs seem so gullible - especially when an authority figure lies. They'll believe anything!

Yeah, that's why I like coming here, too, after a day of being misunderstood and pushed around by my NT compatriots (well, I wouldn't call them "compatriots...."). It's nice to be reminded that it's not all my fault.

Btw, I have indeed seen Blackfish - watched it online. It's very insightful and beautifully done, but pretty sad.

What is the right response? What if you didn't realize the person was on the AS? Why are you putting more into their words than what they said? Why would it make you feel unheard, as if the person you told will automatically know how hard it was for you to say it? What if the person you told has little to no inkling what autism is?
I get the feeling of being a freeloader as when I was depressed, keeping a job was quite hard, and what with the guilt about not keeping my jobs already, casual conversations about 'what I do' were never fun. But guess I never told people about my depression, not anyone but fairly close friends. I made the mistake of telling an interviewer once when asked about my work history. I was always looking for work, (even if I wasn't) and when pressed I'd vaguely say 'oh, not too sure'.

The right response to the sentence, "I have AS" could be any one of a number of things, from, "Really, that's interesting, I don't know much about it, explain that to me," to, "Oh, I see, I heard once that people with AS have/can do/don't like X, is that right?" All they have to do is show that they care, and that they still consider us equals, and not just in spite of our AS.

As for feeling unheard, the problem is not with their attempt at empathy, it's their lack of follow-up. They say things like, "I totally know what you're going through," then leave it without checking to see if their experience even remotely matched yours. It would be a simple thing to say, "I think I know what that's like; X happened to me once and it felt like this; is that what you feel?" Then at least we'd get more of a chance to explain that yes, their experience sounds similar, or no, they're way off the mark and it's a million times worse than that. A two-way dialogue instead of a trite expression of generic empathy should not be too much to ask under most normal circumstances.

As Aspies we expect NT to behave rationally - that is, listen to what someone says and respond in a logical way. That's not what they do. NT life is hierarchical - people are arranged in a pyramid of "value." The typical response of an NT is to either talk down to a "lower" value person or flatter a "higher" value person. Even in a group of more or less "equal" value friends, there is constant conflict over who is "more equal." If this sounds like a middle school lunch room, that's exactly right! Once you volunteer that you are of lower value (admitting to being different, having mental illness, Autism or other "weirdness") an NT will talk down to you and forever think of you as a lower person. They will deny this with many of the things they say, (an obligation in the social rules) which sound complimentary, such as "You must be high functioning" or "Gee, you look normal," but which are truly a put down. It's automatic - NTs follow social rules. Genuine responses, candor, open-mindedness, curiosity and equality are simply not in their rule book. In fact, these attributes are offensive to them.

I think it's a good thing to know for self protection and peace of mind that people like us rank somewhere below pond scum and flesh eating bacteria in the NT hierarchy.

The one sentence that drives me up the wall more than any other is "Suck it up."

Really?

That makes me want to tear my hair out when someone says that to me.

"I just don't understand how you developed autism as an adult" - my Mother. The same person who developed a strategy of dousing me in cold water to deal with my meltdowns when I was a child (it worked actually - I allowed her this practice as it did calm me down); whose pep-talk to me was "If Helen Keller could do what she did, you can do it too" and who is probably on the spectrum herself so how do I like them apples - not very much at all.

also, any sentence from anyone that begins with "Can't you just.."

NO. I cannot JUST anything. f**k off. Now.