A Neurological "Tug of War"

Post Reply New Topic

Does it feel like there are 2 sides of you?
Like 1 is always trying to "win" over the other?

By this, what I mean; is there a "NT" part of your brain & an Autistic side. You can feel the conflict & it is what often causes meltdown because you don't know which one is correct.
At times it can feel like your mind/brain is torn into 2.

Please vote in the poll.

Yes, but I'm learning to enjoy it. It's cool to be able to see the big picture and small details at the same time. It doesn't really cause meltdowns for me. I usually only get meltdowns if I'm too tired or when NTs would get meltdowns as well.

I understand what you are saying, but I do not think people with AS are "half autistic, half NT".

When you have AS you have a brain similar to a cat. NTs have a brain similar to a dog. A cat is not "half cat, half dog".

There is nothing wrong with having a cat-brain - it is just a difference. But being different can turn out to have huge negative consequences as we all know too well. It is only in this sense it is "wrong" to have a cat-brain the way AS people do.

Because you your whole life have been told directly and indirectly that you should act NT to be accepted, this gives you the constant dilemma:

"Should I be myself and not be accepted, or pretend to be NT and be (partially) accepted."

This is similar to a cat in a dog kennel asking itself:

"Should I act like a cat and likely get in trouble, or pretend to be a dog and be (partially) accepted by the other dogs."


When this dilemma has been present in your mind non-stop all your life, it is not surprising one can almost feel as if one's mind/brain is torn into 2.


Personally, I would say the "correct" side is the AS side (your true self), but it may sometimes benefit you to temporarily pretend to be NT. So that NT side of your mind should just be used as a tool to make the autistic side feel better.

I feel that my ADHD traits and my autistic traits are different - not two sides exactly, they are mostly overlapping but the differences provide a contrast and sometimes they clash. The ADHD part of me wants stimulation and adventure and whimsicality, and the more autistic part of me just wants comfort and routine. The ADHD part of my brain is able to verbalize when the autistic part of my brain wants to go mute.

my therapist noticed this about me,

i want to go out and make friends but i dont how and cant handle it

i want to do fun spontaneous things but once i do them i shut down or meltdown and end up not wanting to do it again.

i want to change my routine sometimes but i cant handle the change and become depressed.

Huh? I'm just me. Being a mix of traits or not fitting stereotypes doesn't mean I'm caught in a tug-of-war.

I think that for me I can mimic NT behavior pretty well and I have learned to do it over the years. And I am good a being social until I get tired or overwhelmed. But when I get overstimulated or overwhelmed it's obvious that I am not NT. My husband and brother also say it's obvious and of course they know me best and see me when I am my authentic self. But people who do not know me as closely as they do are usually quite surprised when I tell them that I am Aspie.

Other than tired, I am not sure what I am.

I am me, whatever that may be.

I am happiest being social. I often hate having to make effort in being social. I am myself when I do socialize and will seek out people with whom I feel comfortable with being myself with and who like who I am and people who will not gossip hurtfully about others.
I love new experiences but doing things just wears me out and I find myself unable to change my 'routines' of doing not much.

Probably not a tug of war between nt and autistic though, just a tug of war with tiredness and how it's really f*****g hard to self-actualize when your body and mind won't let you. I probably shouldn't have voted.

Same for me...

Likes people /=/ NT
Doesn't like people /=/ autism

Oh yes, all the time. That is what's making me depressed.

NT + Autism = Mild Asperger's

I don't know if this equation describes anyone else with high-functioning and mild Asperger's, but it does me. I feel like I'm an ''Autistic NT''. I'm probably not making any sense and will most probably piss people off who don't get what I am talking about, but it's just how I feel about who I am. If Asperger's didn't exist as a label, then I would most probably consider myself half NT and half Autistic.

Anyway, to answer your question in another way, I feel like an NT trapped inside an Autistic person's skin. My NT self wants me to be social, which is why I crave social relationships and let isolation and rejection upset me. But my Autistic self distances myself from the things I want to do. It then spews up depression, which seems to be my main condition at the moment.

So, short answer, yes I do feel like there is a ''tug of war'' between my NT self and my Autistic self. I prefer my NT self, so hopefully that will win some day, and the Autism will lose.

Although I can't exactly call it a tug of war (although it can make me feel conflicted), I certainly relate to the half and half view and having traits of both.
It's not as simple as saying aspies are like this and NTs are like that, the reality is much more complex. Some of us have traits that supposedly are NT, and I mean innate traits, not things we have learned we should because it's the normal thing/reaction.
Oh, and it's never caused me any meltdowns, I've never even had one.

If males have a female side I do not see why it should be surprising that Autistic people have a NT side. As for me I am diagnosed Aspergers and I have an NT side. This past weekend I was at a Alumni reunion at a pub. When I went to school there I got along well and had many friends and went to bars every Friday and Saturday night. At the reunion this weekend I got along with and felt a bond with those NT's. That is my NT side. This has happened at times in my life but those "normal" social times have been a minority in my life. I also have a slight speech impediment so I guess that is my "classic autism" side.