Page 5 of 6 [ 91 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  Next

woodster
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Oct 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 265

04 Dec 2013, 6:13 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


That's why it's very important to learn to stand up for yourself. I was bullied relentlessly until I stood up for myself. I'm not saying stand up to the huge guy whose gonna kick your ass really bad, but stand up for yourself in normal situations like that. Sometimes yes, you will get your ass kicked. It won't kill you. Most times it's just a normal ass kicking and you heal physically. But bullies will bully you and plenty of others who aren't bullies will walk all over you until you stand up for yourself. You don't have to go over the top. You can make a remark and walk off. You can cut them dead and not speak to them. You can turn your nose up at them and smirk and leave. Most adults aren't going to have the school yard fistfight/shoving match with a bully. But you have to stand up for yourself or the bullies won't leave you alone and most of the rest of the population won't take you seriously.

The only place that silence and turning the other cheek is seen as an asset is a convent or monastery. Only Ghandi can pull that sh** off in the real world. The rest of us have to stand up for ourselves to the extent that we can, and at times push ourselves way out of our comfort zone and do it past the extent we think we can.


i think that it being a work thing makes it different.

I got bullied out of a job and when i walked out it came down to walking up to the guy and smacking him in the face at that very moment or walking out. With work based stuff your options are limited.

it doesnt help that bullying is so underhand these days. Its like the same feeling of being bullied without the person actually admitting theyre bullying you. Those situations and it can easily backfire and the same guy in the past that would respect you for standing up to him is the same guy that these days would be calling the police.

i hate to say but its female influence on the workplace. Things look nice and respectful but its just a surface calm. There's a lot to be said for the way a guy would deal with things, with dealing with the situation, but unfortunately a guys direct approach looks uglier than the ones that females favor. It doesnt matter that driving things underground makes things worse in the long run, as long as things look the part.

its sad, the male approach that would deal with the problem and give a situation that is genuinely harmonious, is replaced by the nice looking but shallow female way of doing things with nasty undercurrrents.

females have never noticed that while a guys approach is more confrontational, people often do make up their differences after the confrontation. If theres no confrontation nothing ever gets resolved though. Hence the OPs longterm intense hatred for bullies.



CaptainTrips222
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Mar 2009
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,100

19 Dec 2013, 9:58 pm

tchek wrote:
The biggest problem with bullying is not the bully himself. I can deal with a bully. The biggest problem is the passive support from "third parties" .

I had a "friend" who tended to bully me, but he would do so only in a situation where he would be backed up by other "friends" who happened to be closer to him than to me.

And seriously, it was those people's support for his little abuses (like they would laugh to a mean comment) which was far more hurtful.
When I'm alone with him he is almost submissive toward me.


What a f**ked up coward.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

20 Dec 2013, 1:14 pm

tchek wrote:
The biggest problem with bullying is not the bully himself. I can deal with a bully. The biggest problem is the passive support from "third parties" .

I had a "friend" who tended to bully me, but he would do so only in a situation where he would be backed up by other "friends" who happened to be closer to him than to me.

And seriously, it was those people's support for his little abuses (like they would laugh to a mean comment) which was far more hurtful.
When I'm alone with him he is almost submissive toward me.

Sounds like my school experience. The bullies NEVER acted alone and would always act friendly and cordial. However, when 3 or more got together, WATCH OUT! It also came to the point where the 'bystanders' HAD to pick sides and every single one of them without exception took the bullies side. Some people still wonder why I have a dim view of humanity. I only needed ONE person to stand up for me and that happened.... 2 years later and I was never bullied again.



ResilientBrilliance
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 280

20 Dec 2013, 1:49 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

20 Dec 2013, 2:25 pm

ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.


I didn't caricaturize him as that. He is a big black dude. For a while he was a skinny black dude when he was going through the cancer, but my younger son and I actually saw him at Walmart last week and he looked great! He's a big black dude once again and he's happy over gaining back his weight and even some extra pounds. The cancer is in complete remission and I'm so thrilled. We talked for a while and he was happy to see how my son was doing now, because they had been the bane of each other's existence when he was going there.

Which word bothered you? Was it big? Because he was pretty proud of being in shape. He had been very athletic before the cancer and he was tall. He would look down on almost everybody and has this deep voice and very serious face he uses at work. His size was intimidating. Is it because I said he's black? He is black. He knows it, and he knows that I know it, and I don't think he's offended that I know it. Most people I know, when describing someone of a different race will mention that race because if you don't then it's implied that they are the same race as you. Mentioning their race is just descriptive, it's not trying to put anyone down. He probably would have described me as a skinny white lady. I wouldn't have been offended or felt caricaturized. Is it because I said he was a dude? Because he is. He's not a chick, I'm a chick, he's a dude. Or I can be a girl and he can be a boy, or I can be a gal and he can be a guy, or I can be a dame and he can be a gent, or I can be a female and he can be a male, or whatever words to describe someones sex you want to use. I use lots of them and I change it up. Does it offend you that he is a big black dude and a school principal who is intimidating with the parents and kids? Because that's his job. What exactly offended you? Is it caricature to give an accurate description of someone?

Just what is it that bothers you about this so much that you would not only just comment here and go on with things, which is what most people do here, but you had to send me a PM to tell me you commented on my "stupid rant"? I'm serious. Exactly how did that offend you?


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


qawer
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,252

20 Dec 2013, 2:36 pm

ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.


Agree with ResilientBrilliance.

Making it sound like it is your own fault you get bullied because "you could just become more of an arrogant jerk yourself". That is no solution.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

20 Dec 2013, 2:58 pm

qawer wrote:
ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.


Agree with ResilientBrilliance.

Making it sound like it is your own fault you get bullied because "you could just become more of an arrogant jerk yourself". That is no solution.


It's not your own fault you get bullied, I simply laid out the choices you have when you are bullied. If you don't stand up to them and give it back to them, then how exactly do you expect to stop it? Will signing an online petition stop it, or discussing it on an internet forum where there probably aren't any bullies? Talking to someone in authority may work, sometimes, depending on the situation but that's not always any kind of option because sometimes it's not someone you are at school or work with. There is nobody to tell on them to. Sometimes the only choice in life you have is to handle something yourself and sometimes the only viable way to handle it is distasteful to you, and it seems like this can be one of those situations pretty easily.

Sure, we can hope that people change and realize that it's wrong. We could hope that others will see it and peer pressure would cause them to stop bullying because everybody else would look down on them for it. We can even wish that when we wake up the next morning that whatever about us that attracts bullies will have gone away. We can pray, we can wish on a star, we can hope, we can do a lot of things, and we can wait when we do those. I know, because I did them 40 some odd years ago when I started being bullied and I kept doing them until I was forced to stand up to one. Nothing changed until I changed how I dealt with it. That's my point.

I would have liked to have been able to say "DeeDee, stop being mean to me. I didn't do anything to you. You're being ugly for no reason." and her say "You're right Frances, I'm sorry. Let's be friends." Know that that did get me a few times? Hit. Or Tripped, Or pantsed. Or tied to the volleyball net post with jumpropes and pantsed and left there. Or my stuff stolen. You get the idea. As an adult, saying something along those lines just gets you a denial, a look, or laughed at, and it continues and escalates. You can't talk normal into bullies. It doesn't work. Sometimes they get normal later on and regret what they did, sometimes they don't, but one thing is for sure, in the middle of them bullying somebody they won't get normal for any reason other than a consequence they don't want, like a teacher or boss walking by or a cop if it's a stranger, or a random person noticing and coming over to intervene, or the person they are bullying reacting in a way that will stop it, whether it's something subtle, or cussing them out, or a fight in the playground.

Changing society's views on bullying and differences is the ideal way to make it stop. That takes time, and it won't ever get rid of all bullying. We can stop going places where we might get bullied- which in my case was everywhere - but limiting our lives and our chances for enjoyment and opportunity and living like everybody else does is even less distasteful than "becoming an arrogant jerk" from time to time when confronted with a bully. I don't suggest becoming a bully or using those methods with anybody else besides a bully, but in my experience it was the only way to stop it.

I'd rather have to act like an arrogant jerk to a bully occasionally than endure bullying or live my life in self imposed isolation to avoid it.

What solution did you use to stop it happening to you? I'm more than open to other tactics, but none have worked for me.

What's your solution to making bullying stop for you before society changes?


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


bumble
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,073

20 Dec 2013, 3:05 pm

Pantsed?

I tried standing up to bullies once and it made it worse. I ended up looking like the psycho whilst they made out they were the innocent party. They were not.

Can't we all just learn to love one another, or at least be honest kind decent human beings.



Nonperson
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jun 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,258

20 Dec 2013, 3:12 pm

I still have no affection for them, but I realized they lacked the ability to understand the consequences of their bullying either because of immaturity or sociopathic tendencies.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

20 Dec 2013, 3:43 pm

bumble wrote:
Pantsed?

It's when somebody grabs your arms and somebody else pulls your pants down and leaves you there. It's a common thing with grammar school bullies, or was back then.

I tried standing up to bullies once and it made it worse. I ended up looking like the psycho whilst they made out they were the innocent party. They were not.

Sometimes it does but you have to keep up your defense as long as they keep up their offense. It can get very exhausting and very nerve wracking, and sometimes they are going to "win", but in my experience the only alternative is to just keep enduring it. You don't always have to get in their face and tell them off or anything like that to stand up to them. As adults we can just look at them like they are dog poo that we don't even want to step on and say whatever we absolutely have to say to them in a tone of voice like we are amused at their pitiful efforts or that they are below our contempt and we wouldn't even lower ourselves to speak to them unless it was absolutely necessary. That doesn't stop it every single time either. There will be times when no matter what we do, they just keep on and ignoring them like you would a 10 year old being obnoxious may be the only way to get through it, even though they don't shut up.

Also, I notice you said you tried it once. It takes more than one try. My first try worked with that one situation and that one girl, at that time, and that's because it was a physical thing and I was so full of adrenaline that I surprised not only her but really surprised myself. I'd say that the next five or ten times in different situations, which mostly weren't physical, it didn't work. But I kept at it and it started working more than just rarely, it became occasional, then often, and then it slacked off. It wasn't one of those TV situations where the picked on kid stands up to the bully and knocks her down and then nobody bullies her again. It just wasn't as fun for them anymore I suppose and they moved on to some other pastime, or picked on somebody else.

You wouldn't expect to get on a bicycle for the first time ever and ride it without a problem, you would expect to have to practice it and gain the skills to do it. I can't ride a bike well at all, so that's a bad analogy for me but most people can so I used it. Anything that you don't know how to do is going to take more than one try to get right. You might make it worse at first, you might feel like a complete idiot doing whatever you did or said, you might forget what you were saying in the middle of it, you might freeze up completely like a deer in the headlights. That doesn't mean that you might not be better at it the next time, or the time after that, even if it's just a little. It's something you have to learn your own way of doing, and find out what works for you and in what kind of situation and the only way to do that is trial and error. Also, not everybody has to go about it all "in your face" like I do. That's just what I learned because I was taught to do it that way and also, I was a kid basically. I do much less yelling now, and a lot more bitchy words.


Can't we all just learn to love one another, or at least be honest kind decent human beings.


That would be fine by most folks I'd think, but it's the bullies you'd have trouble convincing. I settle for being the decent human being most of the time, when I'm dealing with decent human beings and an absolute s**t when I'm dealing with bullies. How I have to be to defend myself against them doesn't change who I actually am, it only changes how I act at the time.


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


ResilientBrilliance
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 280

20 Dec 2013, 4:07 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.


I didn't caricaturize him as that. He is a big black dude. For a while he was a skinny black dude when he was going through the cancer, but my younger son and I actually saw him at Walmart last week and he looked great! He's a big black dude once again and he's happy over gaining back his weight and even some extra pounds. The cancer is in complete remission and I'm so thrilled. We talked for a while and he was happy to see how my son was doing now, because they had been the bane of each other's existence when he was going there.

Which word bothered you? Was it big? Because he was pretty proud of being in shape. He had been very athletic before the cancer and he was tall. He would look down on almost everybody and has this deep voice and very serious face he uses at work. His size was intimidating. Is it because I said he's black? He is black. He knows it, and he knows that I know it, and I don't think he's offended that I know it. Most people I know, when describing someone of a different race will mention that race because if you don't then it's implied that they are the same race as you. Mentioning their race is just descriptive, it's not trying to put anyone down. He probably would have described me as a skinny white lady. I wouldn't have been offended or felt caricaturized. Is it because I said he was a dude? Because he is. He's not a chick, I'm a chick, he's a dude. Or I can be a girl and he can be a boy, or I can be a gal and he can be a guy, or I can be a dame and he can be a gent, or I can be a female and he can be a male, or whatever words to describe someones sex you want to use. I use lots of them and I change it up. Does it offend you that he is a big black dude and a school principal who is intimidating with the parents and kids? Because that's his job. What exactly offended you? Is it caricature to give an accurate description of someone?

Just what is it that bothers you about this so much that you would not only just comment here and go on with things, which is what most people do here, but you had to send me a PM to tell me you commented on my "stupid rant"? I'm serious. Exactly how did that offend you?


It is the phrase and the context and the mere need to caricaturize him because, I suppose the story wouldn't have been whole if the phrase was omitted. That is indeed a caricature unless all there is to him physically is that he is big and black. Be a little more original next time if you're gonna include imagery...And I'm sure every time you tell a story you include that you are a little white lady. Why not include imagery of your son? How can I know the whole story if I don't know what your son looks like?! Why tease me OliveOilMom

Now that OliveOilMom, is how I stand up for myself and what rubs me the wrong way. Yes I did send you a PM to alert you that you did not go unnoticed. So what? You're rant was stupid, it sure was. Like all bullies and people such as yourself, I'm not waiting for you to admit you're wrong. Oh no, you are going to make me seem crazy and dumb for unexpectedly piping up. Unfortunately for you, I'm far from dumb. Luckily for me it's not like you can throw me in jail for 27 years for calling you out lol.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

20 Dec 2013, 8:01 pm

ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.


I didn't caricaturize him as that. He is a big black dude. For a while he was a skinny black dude when he was going through the cancer, but my younger son and I actually saw him at Walmart last week and he looked great! He's a big black dude once again and he's happy over gaining back his weight and even some extra pounds. The cancer is in complete remission and I'm so thrilled. We talked for a while and he was happy to see how my son was doing now, because they had been the bane of each other's existence when he was going there.

Which word bothered you? Was it big? Because he was pretty proud of being in shape. He had been very athletic before the cancer and he was tall. He would look down on almost everybody and has this deep voice and very serious face he uses at work. His size was intimidating. Is it because I said he's black? He is black. He knows it, and he knows that I know it, and I don't think he's offended that I know it. Most people I know, when describing someone of a different race will mention that race because if you don't then it's implied that they are the same race as you. Mentioning their race is just descriptive, it's not trying to put anyone down. He probably would have described me as a skinny white lady. I wouldn't have been offended or felt caricaturized. Is it because I said he was a dude? Because he is. He's not a chick, I'm a chick, he's a dude. Or I can be a girl and he can be a boy, or I can be a gal and he can be a guy, or I can be a dame and he can be a gent, or I can be a female and he can be a male, or whatever words to describe someones sex you want to use. I use lots of them and I change it up. Does it offend you that he is a big black dude and a school principal who is intimidating with the parents and kids? Because that's his job. What exactly offended you? Is it caricature to give an accurate description of someone?

Just what is it that bothers you about this so much that you would not only just comment here and go on with things, which is what most people do here, but you had to send me a PM to tell me you commented on my "stupid rant"? I'm serious. Exactly how did that offend you?


It is the phrase and the context and the mere need to caricaturize him because, I suppose the story wouldn't have been whole if the phrase was omitted.

There was no need to caricaturize him. I don't see why you see a caricature when I simply typed a description. The story is about someone who was attempting to intimidate me the very first time I met him, and because our encounter was face to face, a physical description is good to add to the story. I'm simply relating an experience and trying to provide enough detail so readers will get a feel for the situation. I believe that is what you are taught to do in school.

What exactly is your issue with the phrase?


That is indeed a caricature unless all there is to him physically is that he is big and black.

Don't forget "dude" too. You didn't like that word either. What else would you have liked to know about him?

Be a little more original next time if you're gonna include imagery...

I used many phrases in my story that weren't original. Is there some reason that phrase upsets you?

And I'm sure every time you tell a story you include that you are a little white lady.

No, I don't. Most people here know that already as I've posted my picture before. So, it's the mention of race that bothers you isn't it? Why does the mere mention of race in a story bother you so much?

Why not include imagery of your son?

Because he wasn't a main character. He didn't do anything.

How can I know the whole story if I don't know what your son looks like?! Why tease me OliveOilMom

You can easily know the whole story because I've told you the whole story. I provided a physical description of the two main characters in it. You simply took offense because I mentioned what race we were.

Now that OliveOilMom, is how I stand up for myself and what rubs me the wrong way.

What exactly are you standing up for yourself about? What did I say in my story that attacked or bullied you, or even rubbed you the wrong way, so much that you felt you had to "stand up for yourself"?

And I think it's very good that you speak up when you are upset about something. As I've said before, it's not something that you automatically excel at right off the bat. I'd like to encourage you to keep it up, and speak up whenever you feel upset or your feelings are hurt and you will be putting people in their places, and telling them off, and maybe even upsetting them or hurting their feelings before long. Just because you aren't that great at it at first is no reason to give up. Keep at it and you'll be effectively standing your ground in no time.


Yes I did send you a PM to alert you that you did not go unnoticed.

What was so important about telling me that you didn't like my phrasing that it shouldn't go unnoticed? You didn't like that I mentioned what race we were. OK. Feel free to ignore every post I make, in case I mention what race someone is, or I tell you their size or mention anything at all about them that triggers you in some way. I don't mind. If you are that sensitive to the mention of someone's race, I'd certainly encourage you to ignore my posts. I do mention what race people are, their ethnicity, sometimes their religion, their size, their age, and many other things from time to time. When someone could inadvertently add to your distress like this through ordinary narrative, it would probably be wise to avoid your triggers.

So what?

At last we agree on something, even if it is the unimportance of this.

You're rant was stupid, it sure was.

Good for you! Practice is what it will take, and no matter how childish your insults are worded now, you will eventually learn to turn a phrase that will offend the person you are trying to tell off.

Like all bullies and people such as yourself, I'm not waiting for you to admit you're wrong.

Do you believe that it's bullying to mention someone's race when describing them? I don't know what "people such as myself" you are trying to categorize me as, but then again, I didn't know that you were so sensitive to the mention of race or that it would trigger you like this. At the risk of triggering you further, I do feel I should say that I'm not wrong, he is black. I'm white too. I'm very sure of these things. As for moral right and wrong, mentioning race in a physical description isn't wrong, nor is it demeaning, and the way I mentioned it certainly wasn't caricature.

Oh no, you are going to make me seem crazy and dumb for unexpectedly piping up.

No, I don't think I made you seem crazy or dumb for unexpectedly piping up. I don't think I did that at all.

Unfortunately for you, I'm far from dumb.

I don't see how your intellectual development could be fortunate or unfortunate for me. As a matter of fact, I don't think it has any bearing on me at all. For the record, although I don't recall reading any of your previous posts or interacting with you on here, I don't think you're dumb. I haven't seen or read your posts that I recall, certainly not enough to form an opinion of your level of intellect. I don't know why you would bring that up as a point that you felt you had to make, but since you felt you needed to, and may have felt that in order to stand up for yourself that it was an affirmation you needed to make, I'm glad you said it.

Luckily for me it's not like you can throw me in jail for 27 years for calling you out lol.


I don't really know where you were intending to go with that, because fussing at someone on the computer because they have inadvertently rubbed you the wrong way isn't illegal. Even if it were, I doubt many people would even bother to call the cops over it. It's not really a big deal or upsetting. But, you're right, it is lucky for you because if you keep trying then one day you will be able to just call somebody right out, and really tell somebody off good and put them in their place so well that their feelings will be hurt so much that they would want to prosecute you for upsetting them.

As for the 27 years, if that was an arbitrary number that you typed then disregard this, but if it referred to what you may have picked up on from reading one or the other of my posts, that was actually a good one.

Well, good luck and I hope the rest of the reading you do on the forum this evening is calmer for you than this was.


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


ResilientBrilliance
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Nov 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 280

20 Dec 2013, 9:39 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
ResilientBrilliance wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
qawer wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
Another thing that's important to learn to do as an adult is to be "bullyproof". An example is when several years ago I had to go to the office at the Junior High where my son was in trouble. The new principal was this big black dude who expected everything to be exactly his way, he had the last word, no quarter given, no excuses accepted. I walked in and he asked me to sit, which I did and he stood over me. In a booming voice but not a shout he started ranting about my son and what he did and when I went to speak up he told me "Oh no you don't, it's not your place to speak here! This is my office!" So I stood up, looked him in the eye and said "Hon, if you're trying to intimidate me you might as well give it up. It's not possible. It's kind of cute though, but it's getting you nowhere. Lets be grownups now ok? Or I can just go to the board or come back later on after you are done channeling Patton." Then I walked out.

Next time he was normal. In fact we got to be friends and talked on FB about his love of building scale model wooden ships. I also made him a mojo hand that he carries every day, he asked me for one when he got cancer. He's in remission now thank goodness. But that shows you, if you can stand up to one of them, they sometimes stop. He didn't expect that. He was an ex football player, rough and tough, used to scaring the sh** out of everybody, grown men included. He did not expect a little white lady to just not put up with it.


I understand what you are saying.

But the thing is - a man like him does not think he did anything wrong to you. His reaction is only due to considering you high in the social hierarchy, so he feels he needs to respect you (as a result of you standing up to him).

If that guy meets another person who does not stand up for himself, he will treat him in the same awful manner.

To many people, all there exists is power. If you have more power than another person, you are allowed to dominate them and treat them badly. In their mind, that is.


You can't change society and you can't change crazy people. You can only change yourself and how you react to them. Your choices are 1. Stay the same and become bitter and hate filled because people treat you like crap and you don't stand up for yourself 2. Learn to stand up for yourself and do so, even though it doesn't always work, but be prepared to stand your ground and the amount of bullying you have to take will lessen, 3. Become assertive to the point of almost aggressive when need to be when dealing with bullies. Out bully them or simply "pooh pooh" their behavior in a "awwww, isn't that cute! he's trying to bully me!" way.

It's better than being a bitter perpetual victim and living your life filled with hatred and jealousy.

You sound like the part of society/mankind that needs to change. Why did you feel the need to caricaturize the principal as a big black dude? You sound obnoxious and inane.


I didn't caricaturize him as that. He is a big black dude. For a while he was a skinny black dude when he was going through the cancer, but my younger son and I actually saw him at Walmart last week and he looked great! He's a big black dude once again and he's happy over gaining back his weight and even some extra pounds. The cancer is in complete remission and I'm so thrilled. We talked for a while and he was happy to see how my son was doing now, because they had been the bane of each other's existence when he was going there.

Which word bothered you? Was it big? Because he was pretty proud of being in shape. He had been very athletic before the cancer and he was tall. He would look down on almost everybody and has this deep voice and very serious face he uses at work. His size was intimidating. Is it because I said he's black? He is black. He knows it, and he knows that I know it, and I don't think he's offended that I know it. Most people I know, when describing someone of a different race will mention that race because if you don't then it's implied that they are the same race as you. Mentioning their race is just descriptive, it's not trying to put anyone down. He probably would have described me as a skinny white lady. I wouldn't have been offended or felt caricaturized. Is it because I said he was a dude? Because he is. He's not a chick, I'm a chick, he's a dude. Or I can be a girl and he can be a boy, or I can be a gal and he can be a guy, or I can be a dame and he can be a gent, or I can be a female and he can be a male, or whatever words to describe someones sex you want to use. I use lots of them and I change it up. Does it offend you that he is a big black dude and a school principal who is intimidating with the parents and kids? Because that's his job. What exactly offended you? Is it caricature to give an accurate description of someone?

Just what is it that bothers you about this so much that you would not only just comment here and go on with things, which is what most people do here, but you had to send me a PM to tell me you commented on my "stupid rant"? I'm serious. Exactly how did that offend you?


It is the phrase and the context and the mere need to caricaturize him because, I suppose the story wouldn't have been whole if the phrase was omitted.

There was no need to caricaturize him. I don't see why you see a caricature when I simply typed a description. The story is about someone who was attempting to intimidate me the very first time I met him, and because our encounter was face to face, a physical description is good to add to the story. I'm simply relating an experience and trying to provide enough detail so readers will get a feel for the situation. I believe that is what you are taught to do in school.

What exactly is your issue with the phrase?


That is indeed a caricature unless all there is to him physically is that he is big and black.

Don't forget "dude" too. You didn't like that word either. What else would you have liked to know about him?

Be a little more original next time if you're gonna include imagery...

I used many phrases in my story that weren't original. Is there some reason that phrase upsets you?

And I'm sure every time you tell a story you include that you are a little white lady.

No, I don't. Most people here know that already as I've posted my picture before. So, it's the mention of race that bothers you isn't it? Why does the mere mention of race in a story bother you so much?

Why not include imagery of your son?

Because he wasn't a main character. He didn't do anything.

How can I know the whole story if I don't know what your son looks like?! Why tease me OliveOilMom

You can easily know the whole story because I've told you the whole story. I provided a physical description of the two main characters in it. You simply took offense because I mentioned what race we were.

Now that OliveOilMom, is how I stand up for myself and what rubs me the wrong way.

What exactly are you standing up for yourself about? What did I say in my story that attacked or bullied you, or even rubbed you the wrong way, so much that you felt you had to "stand up for yourself"?

And I think it's very good that you speak up when you are upset about something. As I've said before, it's not something that you automatically excel at right off the bat. I'd like to encourage you to keep it up, and speak up whenever you feel upset or your feelings are hurt and you will be putting people in their places, and telling them off, and maybe even upsetting them or hurting their feelings before long. Just because you aren't that great at it at first is no reason to give up. Keep at it and you'll be effectively standing your ground in no time.


Yes I did send you a PM to alert you that you did not go unnoticed.

What was so important about telling me that you didn't like my phrasing that it shouldn't go unnoticed? You didn't like that I mentioned what race we were. OK. Feel free to ignore every post I make, in case I mention what race someone is, or I tell you their size or mention anything at all about them that triggers you in some way. I don't mind. If you are that sensitive to the mention of someone's race, I'd certainly encourage you to ignore my posts. I do mention what race people are, their ethnicity, sometimes their religion, their size, their age, and many other things from time to time. When someone could inadvertently add to your distress like this through ordinary narrative, it would probably be wise to avoid your triggers.

So what?

At last we agree on something, even if it is the unimportance of this.

You're rant was stupid, it sure was.

Good for you! Practice is what it will take, and no matter how childish your insults are worded now, you will eventually learn to turn a phrase that will offend the person you are trying to tell off.

Like all bullies and people such as yourself, I'm not waiting for you to admit you're wrong.

Do you believe that it's bullying to mention someone's race when describing them? I don't know what "people such as myself" you are trying to categorize me as, but then again, I didn't know that you were so sensitive to the mention of race or that it would trigger you like this. At the risk of triggering you further, I do feel I should say that I'm not wrong, he is black. I'm white too. I'm very sure of these things. As for moral right and wrong, mentioning race in a physical description isn't wrong, nor is it demeaning, and the way I mentioned it certainly wasn't caricature.

Oh no, you are going to make me seem crazy and dumb for unexpectedly piping up.

No, I don't think I made you seem crazy or dumb for unexpectedly piping up. I don't think I did that at all.

Unfortunately for you, I'm far from dumb.

I don't see how your intellectual development could be fortunate or unfortunate for me. As a matter of fact, I don't think it has any bearing on me at all. For the record, although I don't recall reading any of your previous posts or interacting with you on here, I don't think you're dumb. I haven't seen or read your posts that I recall, certainly not enough to form an opinion of your level of intellect. I don't know why you would bring that up as a point that you felt you had to make, but since you felt you needed to, and may have felt that in order to stand up for yourself that it was an affirmation you needed to make, I'm glad you said it.

Luckily for me it's not like you can throw me in jail for 27 years for calling you out lol.


I don't really know where you were intending to go with that, because fussing at someone on the computer because they have inadvertently rubbed you the wrong way isn't illegal. Even if it were, I doubt many people would even bother to call the cops over it. It's not really a big deal or upsetting. But, you're right, it is lucky for you because if you keep trying then one day you will be able to just call somebody right out, and really tell somebody off good and put them in their place so well that their feelings will be hurt so much that they would want to prosecute you for upsetting them.

As for the 27 years, if that was an arbitrary number that you typed then disregard this, but if it referred to what you may have picked up on from reading one or the other of my posts, that was actually a good one.

Well, good luck and I hope the rest of the reading you do on the forum this evening is calmer for you than this was.

Lol 27 was not an arbitrary number; it is the length of time Nelson Mandela spent in jail for standing up for himself and anti-racism. Now I know for SURE I no longer want to read your babble. Yes, I hope I, and no big black men on wrongplanet, never come across your silly tales on here ever again. This is a place open for everyone to feel safe, calm, and welcome--including big black men with booming voices and the "brave" little white ladies who aren't intimidated by their bigness or their blackness or the booming of their voices. Maybe the big black men want to come online without having their bigness and blackness a point of a story, unless the story is about a big black man who loves Indian food or gardening perhaps. Please feel free to tell any tale you want, but if I'm around, don't expect me to keep mum.



kicker
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 10 Oct 2013
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 467
Location: Atalnta, Ga

20 Dec 2013, 10:05 pm

ResilientBrilliance, I wouldn't bother. Certain members lack the experience and or interest to broaden their perceptions and see nothing wrong with their limited world views.



Marybird
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 26 Apr 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,818

20 Dec 2013, 10:32 pm

qawer wrote:
How do you deal with intense hatred for people who have previously bullied you?

Telling yourself that they never succeeded in getting you down?

I don't think I really understand what it means to hate someone. I am realizing that the times I have said I hated someone it was because I was feeling hurt, and by hurt I mean not just physically hurt but also being misunderstood or afraid that the person would hurt me.
I don't feel hatred for people who have bullied me, I don't feel anything toward them, I just feel hurt, afraid, or misunderstood.
I used to say I hated my parents, but I really loved them very much. I just felt hurt because I thought they didn't understand me and I wanted them to know and understand me.
Hate is a word that just seems to evaporate into thin air when you take away the hurt and fear.
I don't understand forgiving either. I have seen a TV documentary where people talked about forgiving people who murdered someone close to them.
They would visit the prison and talk to the murderer and tell them that they forgave them, but that doesn't explain exactly what forgiving is. It doesn't seem to mean anything besides just saying it.
It's another word that just evaporates into thin air when you try to understand it because you can't really take away the hurt or damage they have caused.



Nonperson
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Jun 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,258

21 Dec 2013, 12:36 am

Hmmm? OOM (out of mana?), for future reference you probably don't want to go around implying you endorse the stereotype that black men are scary and angry. It's kinda like a guy saying "...and there was this hysterical, irrational woman..."