Getting it wrong, typical or not?

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It took me about 5 days to realize I just made another mistake that might be a more pervasive social skills problem, as it isn't the first time I did something similar.

A coworker that I'm friendly with has/had a very sick dog. Actually she has quite a few pets but I guess that's besides the point. This dog has been in poor health for a long time and she finally talked about putting him to sleep. She said, "I think I'm going to have to put my dog down this weekend." Even though I love animals, I was sort of glad to hear this because it sounded like the dog was really making life hard for my friend. But I decided to try to be helpful. So I asked if maybe there were other options to help the dog, etc. etc. to which she got exasperated with me, and shouted, My Gosh, <mikassyna>, don't make this harder for me than it already is!" I guess I misunderstood that she had already decided for sure that she was going to do it, not that she was looking for helpful alternative options. She mentioned that she was going to go talk to the veterinarian over the weekend, which to me sounded like it was still open ended. Logical, no?

Once in the past my husband also got a little perturbed with me when my friend told me her grandfather was dying of cancer and probably would die soon, and I was asking her if she looked into some other more aggressive hospitals to treat him. For some reason my husband thought this was out of line, even though I still don't quite understand why anyone wouldn't want to hear more options that could help, especially if someone or something they love is close to dying.

I guess I still don't understand when I shouldn't try to be so helpful. I aways thought that in the most helpless of circumstances you appreciate as much help as you can get. I know I would!

My husband thinks that his is part of my impairment in my people skills. I am wondering if maybe he's overblowing it. My friends later told me they weren't mad at me. So is it really me?

I am not sure what kind of a problem it is, but I do know that both in terms of the responses I want when distressed as well as those that work well for other people, going to "problem solving" as a first tactic is often the wrong answer.

For me when I'm on the receiving end, I dislike it because it often is stuff I've already thought about and/or tried, or it doesn't actually address the crux of what I'm feeling distressed about. Often the "solution" I need is someone to listen, or the insight that can come from putting things into words to share them.

In the example of a dying loved one, I've generally done a lot of research already, it's not my body or even my sole decision (in the case where the loved one is no longer able to make decisions), there are often really complex costs/benefits to prolonging life for a dying animal or person, and my distress isn't at the specifics of their dying, but of the general sense of loss knowing that they are dying. Problem solving in that situation can feel like a lack of listening, or an assumption/judgment that I am not competent/responsible/smart/loving, or a simplification of my grief/love.

But I tend to also be someone who wants to problems solve and throw knowledge and science and research at problems to help those I care about. I do a few things to try to keep it in check, since I've overstepped in the past as well. I challenge myself to just listen -- sometimes I just keep myself in the "data gathering" stage of problem-solving indefinitely. The person is distressed. It appears to be about a dying loved one. Is their distress coming from the thought of losing that loved one? From the pain that person is in? From guilt over past stuff? From feeling like they've failed in the present? From feeling overwhelmed by other things in addition to this? Perhaps I assumed this was a loved one, but it's a formerly abusive family member and they're relieved? Perhaps it's just that they are having trouble thinking about anything else? (All sorts of possibilities are running around in my head and I'm looking for clues that rule some in or out, trying to not make assumptions or to be too aggressive in looking for that information. This way if I DO start problem solving, I can be more useful and helpful). I express sympathy (I'm so sorry to hear that, that sounds really sucky/rough) but try to avoid making assumptions about how they feel and why. I also work really really hard to see if their distress is easing, holding steady, or increasing. If it's the second or third, I will broach problem solving, usually by letting them know that I am so sorry they are in pain, I have their back, and I want to help ease their distress. I might then ask if they just need me to listen, or if they want to problem solve or bounce things off of me, or if they'd prefer to just be distracted, or if they simply need someone around. Sometimes they do want to problem solve, in which case I can be a bit more obvious in my questioning, but I still try to really get a lot more data than I think I need before I offer solutions.

Basically, I shift my problem solving from "solve dying grandfather of distressed friend" to "solve distressed feeling in friend whose grandfather is dying". If it turns out that I can help with the grandfather situation to solve the distress, so be it. But the whole time I'm listening, I'm working towards problem solving (even if I never act on it), sorting and categorizing information, developing and discarding hypotheses. But the grandfather bit isn't actually the critically important piece -- if I want to save dying grandfathers as my priority, I can work on that without involving my poor friend who is distressed.

And if I really do think I have some unique knowledge (i.e. stuff that would not be available to anyone with the same level of interest as me who has the internet and doctors and a vested interest), then I WILL carefully raise it ("I know it's not my place and I really hope I don't offend or upset you, but I just wanted to let you know that my super secret cousin is doing trial research on the same disease your grandfather's dying of -- would you like me to give you her phone number in case she is able to suggest other treatments?").

It sounds to me that she was actually looking for support for her decision, and perhaps a comforting word or two. Like you said, she had likely already committed to the decision, which probably took considerable time and effort, given how emotionally charged this issue is. Also, asking about possible alternatives in this kind of situation carries with it a very nasty insinuation. She's already made a very difficult decision, and you talking about other possible options carries the implication that you think the other person hasn't really thought everything through. It's basically calling them both negligent and stupid, whether you intend to or not.

This applies even more to the situation with your friends grandfather who had cancer. Both of these situations are, to me at least, very clearly support/sympathy situations, not asking for help or advice. Basically, Pippi got it pretty much covered in her first 3 paragraphs.

Wow, thanks everyone for clarifying. I feel pretty dumb now I understand a bit better now why I got the responses I did. I will definitely try to remember to handle it differently going forward.

I don't think you got it wrong. I think you were just trying to be helpful. Both people were in stressful situations and liable to snap at anybody who said anything to them that wasn't exactly what they needed to hear at the time. They didn't mean to be that way, it was just stress.

It sounds like your husband is too focused on what other people think about you, and every little thing you do. Does he come from a society type family where image is really important? Mine does, but you wouldn't know it to meet him.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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The reason you caused distress is because of cognitive dissonance. This is when two contradictory ideas exist in the mind and conflict each other.

In this case, the two conflicting ideas are:
1. Having the dog put down is, on balance, the best and most logical solution.
2. Allowing someone or something to die when there are other options that may save or prolong their life is morally wrong.

My guess is that idea 2. lay dormant and supressed in your co-workers mind until you came along and awoke it. The two ideas are contradictory and unresolvable; this is why she got so upset.

I agree to an extent with foxfield. Only, you might have conflicting ideas on the same thing, ie. You feel sorry for the person suffering the loss and then wish you could comfort them in their perceived distress so you look for solutions. Our personality type has an infinitely higher probability of finding solutions to life problems than the NT personalities, which makes us tenacious to the very last when faced with a problem.

On the other hand you identify with the sufferer, so you want to end the suffering. You will also rationalize the reasons why the suffering must end

This conflict will short circuit some of the processes you use to communicate effectively because the one will permeate to the other. It means you will want to support the person suffering the loss, but the harshness of the second though might appear in the way you express it.