Page 1 of 1 [ 11 posts ] 

bleh12345
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Mar 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 753

16 Jan 2014, 6:48 am

Ever since I told a few people about my possible autism, they now use it against me. Examples:

My sister will now tell me when I'm talking too much about a topic she doesn't like, and she will angrily do it. She will also tell me to stop discussing autism, because she doesn't care. She told me that it doesn't matter because I'm the same sister she's always known. However, this hurts me, because she then continues to treat me as if I'm the same as other people, and acts as if I do things to purposely upset her.

My abusive mother will now use this excuse: "Well, I guess you can't blame me for the things I did anymore. You also can't blame me for how you turned out. After all, how was I supposed to know you were autistic?" The ways she used to abuse me were physical, emotional, and verbally. I'm not understanding how your daughter having autism is an excuse for that behavior. Furthermore, she abuses non-autistic people, too. So, doesn't this invalidate what she says?

My husband now called me "autistic" as an insult. He will say "You're SOO autistic" when I fall down, or mess something up. He will then laugh at me. He uses the word "autistic" in place of "stupid", too. If I don't "get" what he's saying, he will simply say "God, you're so AUTISTIC" instead of communicating more precisely. Also, he started calling me "slow". Every time he's mad or I lack "common sense" (even though that's non-existent) he will say I'm slow. When I ask if he means stupid or mentally challenged, he is always silent. I don't think it's rude to call someone mentally challenged, UNLESS they are using that word in place of the word "stupid". I'm pretty sure he means stupid.

He also told me that if it's true I am autistic, I shouldn't tell anyone. His friends are jerks, and he only hangs out with them because he has no one else. However, I found out HE went and told two of them I'm autistic! Without my permission! Even though he told me not to tell anyone!! ! The one guy he told ALWAYS gossips, so anything you tell him is automatically told to everyone he knows! The irony is he has more obvious traits than me, and he will be the next one to get tested for possible autism. Could it be his trouble with communication causing him this frustration with me? I mean, I haven't changed. I just now have a name for all of the things I do that apparently annoys the crap out of people. :/




I'm lost on what to do. I will get my ADOS test results soon. Now, I'm pretty damn sure I am autistic. Even the self test the evaluator had me do included very high scores. I scored it using the paper's formula. The evaluator had me bring home a test for my husband to rate me with, and I scanned it. I was curious, and since I didn't have to bring it back with me, I simply scored it. The test I used to evaluated was very similar to how my husband rated. I also lacked eye contact for most of the test, and the evaluator said he can definitely help me with that after this process is over.

So, I'm so hurt by what people are doing. I waited months to have this test done, just to have people insult me. I thought it would be GOOD to understand why I do what I do! However, I'm contemplating lying about the results if I'm autistic. I don't know how I would pull it off, because I'm bad at lying. However, maybe it's better off no one ever knows! :cry:

Did anyone ever experience this??? I try to communicate how much it hurts me, but no one seems to care!



Last edited by bleh12345 on 16 Jan 2014, 2:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

16 Jan 2014, 2:02 pm

Your experience is not unique. While it may be cathartic for us as adults to suddenly have an explanation for our lifelong handicaps, it doesn't do a damn thing to get the people around us to cut us any slack or treat us any better. :evil:

Unfortunately, as far as the NT world is concerned, to their minds "Autism" is synonymous with "ret*d." They may be aware there's some sort of difference, but they don't care enough to find out what the differences are. So unless you're disclosing it to an HR department at work to get accommodation for your handicaps, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell people. As you've seen, rather than being sympathetic, they tend to use it against you.

If you're going for diagnosis, don't intentionally blow it, you may need it later, to qualify for Disability, or for legal protection from discrimination.



bumble
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Mar 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,073

16 Jan 2014, 2:07 pm

I am sick of trying to be delicate about stuff like this, but you know, sometimes people are just nasty jerks.

Sorry you are having a rough time.



doofy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Dec 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 505
Location: Here

16 Jan 2014, 2:56 pm

You don't get to choose the family you are born into.

You DO get to choose your husband, and whether you CHOOSE to keep him.

Fight him. Before it is too late and you are locked into the cycle of abuse you have learnt from your mum.

Abusive husbands are two a penny; you want a decent man who will appreciate you for who you are.

Don't make allowances for his potential ASD - that's a lifetime of abuse waiting to happen.

You are a valuable human being - protect yourself.



ASPartOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Aug 2013
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,237
Location: Long Island, New York

16 Jan 2014, 3:22 pm

You need to tell your husband and sister exactly how you feel. If they do not change you have some serous decisions to make. We have been told it is our fault for so long we are meek. But when bullied or abused it is NEVER our fault it is their fault and we need to act accordingly.


_________________
Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity

“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman


Hooraydiation
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 68

19 Jan 2014, 8:30 am

I got called autistic in a movie theater by a stranger because I was rambling to my friends during the trailer.

He actually said it to them, as if they were my caretakers or something, which was really insulting and frankly dehumanizing to me.

I know that I was probably getting on that guy's nerves, and he had every right to tell me to quiet down, but he did it in the worst possible way and ruined my entire day. Even now, thinking about it upsets me quite a bit.



bleh12345
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Mar 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 753

20 Jan 2014, 7:49 am

Willard, I guess I'm slowly finding that out. Again, I don't think being called "ret*d" is necessarily bad, except that word now is almost always used to make fun of the mentally challenged as if they are stupid. Otherwise, I don't think being mentally challenge is offensive. It's just really hard when you know people equate ret*d with the word stupid when speaking about the mentally challenged.

I guess I still don't understand why people will use this against you. However, I guess all I need to know is that people do it, regardless of why.

I'm still waiting for the results of my test, however, I'm fairly certain I'm on the spectrum. I was just pondering if I do get diagnosed, to lie to people in my personal life and say I'm not autistic. It seems people started treating me differently, which isn't good. I don't want that, unless it's in a good way.

Bumble, I know what you mean. I get sick of making excuses for as*holes. Sometimes, people are just nasty, and they do it for pleasure or for no reason I can comprehend.

Doofy, what you said really spoke to me. I do constantly fight him. The one hope I have is that he truly doesn't want to be the way he is. He has remorse, and wants to go through therapy. He says I deserve better. Other people who hurt me in my past never would say that. We also live with his crappy mother and brother, who were his abusers. I get the feeling the stress from not being able to be fully independent from his family is stressing us both out. He has said more than once he needs to move out for his mental health, but we can't afford it yet.

I do know he has a lot of empathy, but is often verbally unable to express it. He often tries and expresses wanting to, but will end up crying and rolling on the floor out of frustration. I'm often logical during a fight, which further complicates everything to him.

I have realized I'm valuable. I'm trying to stick more to being assertive instead of melting down. This seems to be helping him calm down a lot faster. The only issue is that I tell him exactly what I need from him emotionally, but he still doesn't understand. I tell him I'm not sure how much more direct I can get. Hopefully, it can only get better from here.

I do see a resemblance between him and my mother for sure. He gets so upset when I say that, but it's true. Hopefully, he can learn to vent his frustrations in a better manner. We both feel trapped, and one of the major reasons I stay with him is because I used to be exactly like him, but I was able to get better with the help of others and myself.


ASPartofMe, I know I have decisions to make. There are only so many times I can explain my feelings before I walk away. I got away from my parents, and I know I can give others the boot if they are bad for me. I need a support system, not bullies. Sometimes, though, I do know things are complicated. I used to be a bully sometimes, because I didn't know how to handle my emotions. I take full responsibility for it, though. I never victim blame. I feel a lot of remorse. I look for these qualities in people if they are having a rough time. However, I'm going to give my husband some space and see if this works. We are around each other almost 24/7, except when he's at work. Our room is only like 100 sq ft, so I'm hoping this idea will help. As for my sister, I take breaks from her if she upsets me. I tell her that I'm going, and that she has hurt me. Hopefully, she understands now.


Horraydiation, I'm so sorry. That must have been painful. What rude people. You obviously are a person who can answer back! You don't need "caretakers" to be told something right in front of your face. Further, he could have just asked you in a nice way to tone it down. It's fairly simple, really. Why he didn't think of that, I have no idea. What gets me is the fact he called you autistic. OK, so? What, did he word it like, "Your friend is autistic." That's nothing than stating the (maybe) obvious. That also did nothing to solve the issue. Again, he should have just asked you to please stop talking so loud/much. Ugh, people are so thoughtless!



EzraS
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27,828
Location: Twin Peaks

20 Jan 2014, 8:07 am

My cousin has kinda teased me like that forever, and so I never took it as an insult.
To me its like being called "white boy". All that registers in my mind is that, yes I am white and I am a boy. And yes, I am autistic. Now being referred to as "ret*d" bothers me because that is not what I am.



eggheadjr
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2012
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,360
Location: Ottawa, Canada

20 Jan 2014, 12:09 pm

I've never had my autism used as an insult against me. I am very accepting and embracing of my autism but if someone were to use it to put me down I'd be very upset - probably because it's such a personal matter to me.

I do not think your family or your spouse should be behaving like this to you. I'm very sorry to hear it - it's very insensitive.

:cry:


_________________
Diagnosed Asperger's


Kalika
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2011
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 219

20 Jan 2014, 1:26 pm

I used to get that sort of thing from my sister - I've never had an official diagnosis, but she would insist that I AM autistic, and when talking about it with family members/friends, often made it sound like I was more "special needs" than I actually was. (apparently one of my aunts suggested that I try to get into a group home for developmentally disabled adults)

The odd thing was, my sister would get really bent out of shape if I asked her to not to talk about me and autism to other people......I'm not sure if she thought I was in denial or what.



RedEnigma
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 4 Aug 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 98

20 Jan 2014, 1:56 pm

When I first told my sister about the possibility of me having Aspergers, she started treating me like a cancer patient.
Every time someone disagreed with me or every time I had a strong opinion about someone/something which conflicted with popular opinion, she would tap either my arm or the other persons and say "it's okay, she is just a little different that's all".

This pissed me off as much as when she apologizes for me in public.
It's like, Who the hell do you think you are? Do I go around apologizing for you because of how you act? /flipstable.

Point is, when she started that I decided that I wasn't going to take it.
My sister is very politically correct.
So I made every single racial stereotype and negative remark I could possibly think of till she snapped. Which she did.

Now, the only issue is this, while she no longer treats me like a cancer patient, she doesn't seem to acknowledge anything that is wrong with me at all, she still yells at me and expects me to just know things.

It appears humans have two modes.
Condescending jerk or oblivious nitwit. (That was an emotionally charged statement, I don't believe all people are like that, but at times they certainly appear so)


My mother is is also abusive and will also react that way when I tell her. I spoke to her yesterday and she seems to be in complete denial about how abusive she was.

As for your husband, my ex partner was like that.

I have this to say to you.
Leave him.
Yes it's going to be hard.
Yes, your routine will break.
Yes, he'll make promises and try to lure you back in.
Don't let your oxytocin control you.

I was lucky to leave my partner when I did. I was always being yelled at for being backwards, his friend would always just show up and I was expected to feed him, to the point where I had to go without food, he wouldn't let me out of the house and he was starting to get physically abusive. Point is, he was an absolute assface to the highest degree.

Your relationship will deteriorate to that level if it isn't already there.
Leave him.
Find a person whom understands.

My current partner is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
He understands every little thing I have (to one degree or another) because he has them too.
As terrible as it sounds, drop the NT because he becomes parasitic.
Find yourself an Aspie. At least then you'll have someone whom understands exactly what your going through.