aspergers, invulnerability, and understanding the NT mind

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electronconductor
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13 Feb 2014, 4:28 am

This will be a challenging first post for me to convey, bear with me!

I'm in my mid 30's, high functioning aspergers. I am in formal counseling both for self improvement and couples counseling/relationship work with my spouse. My counselor and I have to work at communicating sometimes - but overall we have a good rapport and ability to understand each other.

Recently, we have been stuck on a combined concept of invulnerability and making my spouse feel crappy with what I say.

The general situation:

1) It has been generally determined that I give off a strong "invulnerable" vibe, because I rarely let people know what I am thinking internally, and they interpret that as not being able to have an effect upon me, which apparently they find maddening. My counselor is constantly encouraging me to be more vulnerable - a word which I really strongly dislike, because I associate it with weakness, risk, permitting damage to happen to me. I have communicated this, and we have reached an understanding that (in our context) being vulnerable actually means letting other people see that they can affect me, and how they affect me. A simple example: my spouse has a bad day, and wants to visit a favorite restaurant to self-soothe herself. I don't want to go - but I am likely to keep the thought to myself, because I know that it's good for her. Apparently, that's being invulnerable - because my spouse doesn't know that she has made me do something that I don't want to do, and I have not told her my opinion. The same situation might also occur if she says something mean and I show no outward reaction / appear to be unaffected by it.

2) My spouse has a strong habit of asking if I want various romantic gestures - hugs, kisses, etc. My response is typically an indication that I am willing to engage in the gesture if she needs me to (for self soothing or other reasons of her own), or more literally, "if you need it." Apparently this is horribly crushing to others, because it doesn't give my opinion/want/need and is perceived as indifferent. It's also apparently not how I'm supposed to respond - if I don't actively WANT the romantic gesture, I should just say "no, thanks" and somehow that will be less crushing to my spouse because I won't come across as indifferent/unaffected/invulnerable.

So, to get to where we are stuck - I comprehend that my words have these effect(s) on my spouse, and even accept it; but I don't understand it. I feel like I'm being nice when I offer "if you need it" in response to a romantic gesture (i'm turning over the decision to my spouse, to me that is a gift?!) and I don't "get" why this all makes me seem invulnerable/unaffected - if someone wants my thoughts/opinion, shouldn't they ask??

So, I have told my counselor that I can adapt these patterns/responses - when my spouse asks for these gestures, I can just say "no" unless I want to reciprocate myself - but my counselor feels that I need to gain some understanding of them (beyond the literal comprehension of the words, which I've got).

I've thought about this some, and I'm not sure it's actually reasonable to think that I will ever have the intuition to truly "get" this. To me, it's kind of like dancing - I get that NT's mostly enjoy dancing, but I will never "feel" whatever it is they feel that urges them to do it. It's a foreign concept to me, even a bit creepy. I don't understand how being "more negative" (telling someone unequivocally NO) will ensure a better, more positive outcome than leaving a door open ("if you need it") so that they can determine for themselves if it's important or not. I also think about my social skills, and so many of them are adapted patterns/learned responses as it is - how can i suddenly become more connected with some intuitive understanding of how indifference affects a more NT type person when even more basic behaviors are learned actions - not intuition?

My counselor feels I'm being defensive on this and that there's possibly more emotion below the surface that I'm just not connected with. It's certainly possible, but if it's there, I'm not aware of it.

Has anyone else with aspergers ever been told or perceived as invulnerable / not being vulnerable enough because they don't share how something effects them? Are you able to express indifference in your relationships or has that been a problem?

Any thoughts are appreciated.



Waterfalls
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13 Feb 2014, 7:07 am

Maybe consider asking your counselor if thinks you are alexithymia. Not for one more label, but because it is common with ASD to be alexithymic, and if the counselor sees you as somewhat confused by these feelings and reactions rather than defensive, it would shift things from conflictual, because then it becomes the counselor's job to help you learn and your job to be open to understanding that your experience may be a bit different from others. Just try to get more acceptance and less of that assumption people otherwise sometimes make of stubbornness on your part.

I know I can't stand it when my husband says he doesn't care what's for dinner then acts like a martyr eating what I decide. Which is getting better as I realize not my job to continue trying to mind read with no help. If he wants something, can say so. It's saying "whatever you want" and meaning it but then acting like he is not enjoying what I decide is the problem. In the dinner example, what I want is somewhat dependent on what others want because I won't enjoy it if no one else eats as I was not just trying to satisfy my hunger, I was trying to get my family fed.

Your spouse might feel insecure whether you care because of the vagueness of your reactions. Can you relate to wondering whether someone likes you and wants you around? If so, you understand fine, just a matter of finding ways to convey empathy you truly feel. And if you don't understand, maybe listen to your spouse without responding or arguing about details, try to understand what your spouse is feeling, and see what showing that love and attention does. Or if you truly don't care maybe that would need to be discussed. Because it sounds like that is a concern for your spouse.