what was your parents "parenting style" like?

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ZombieBrideXD
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03 Feb 2014, 7:37 pm

i have a theory, that the age of diagnosis depends on the parents (in mild cases anyways)

my father was a very laid back parent, his motto was "shell develop when she wants" and let me play on my own and wasnt worried at all. he was a push-over dad and liked compassion and was keen on teaching us responsibility and respect

my mom was very distant, although she wasnt before i was 2, she was adopted and in 1999 (age 2 for me) she tried to get in contact with her mother, but her mother didnt want to see her and she became depressed and withdrawed from my sister and i, she became extremely violent and had a lot of rage, she would freak out over every little thing my sister and i did wrong, and often asked us "whats wrong with you?"

all in all my parents didn't believe in 'milestones' and 'developmental delays'


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Billw1628
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03 Feb 2014, 7:40 pm

My dad is laid back, but my mom is very type A. For me, a type A personality doesn't work for me because I like to do things at my own pace that I think is reasonable.



dottsie
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03 Feb 2014, 7:44 pm

I was really close to both of my parents. I'm honest with them most of the time, and I think they trust me.

They're really really strict when it comes to internet, though. I'm not allowed to do real-time chatting, or give out my name or state or anything. I've gotten in massive trouble multiple times because I chatted with someone.

When I expressed that I felt I was on the spectrum, neither of them thought I could be. My mom warmed up to the idea, though, and I was professionally diagnosed with autism. I don't think my dad believes I'm autistic, even now; he probably refuses to accept that I could be anything but NT, even if he doesn't admit it, I think.



GGPViper
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03 Feb 2014, 8:26 pm

Denial.



Ashariel
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03 Feb 2014, 9:40 pm

"Speak up."
"Look people in the eye."
"Smile."
"Say please."
"Say thank you."
"Say you're sorry."
"That's impolite, never do that again."
"Stop fidgeting."
"Stop babbling and repeating other people."
"Stop walking on your toes."
"Eat it and pretend to like it no matter what."
"Stop complaining."
"Stop crying."
"Be quiet and behave yourself."
"You have no reason to be sad."
"Don't let me catch you with that moping expression ever again."

I learned to "fake NT" pretty well, and wasn't diagnosed until I was 40. :?



EzraS
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03 Feb 2014, 10:38 pm

I got a good deal in life when it comes to parents. They both have always acted like my special needs teachers and therapists. They did a ton of studying about autism and asked a lot of advice from special needs workers.



rapidroy
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04 Feb 2014, 12:43 am

Mom-liberal
Dad-conservative

Both have there strong points and drawbacks.



ellemenope
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04 Feb 2014, 12:52 am

This is a really fascinating discussion to me. Both my husband and I suspect we are somewhere on the very mild end of the spectrum and we have a 3.5 year old who has been diagnosed as HFA.
We often discuss how our parents dealt with us as kids and wonder what's best in raising our son. So far we try our best above all to offer tons and tons of unconditional love and affection and to nurture his gifts, interests and talents. As he gets older we are struggling with how best to deal with "discipline" and expectations. Sometimes I think we err on the side of being to soft and think he may do better with a stricter atmosphere, but that's not really our style. We are always trying new things and are open minded- we've got a long journey ahead.

Anyway- I'd really like to hear more from others and what you thought "worked" for you as a kid with ASD or what you wished had been different.



headhunter228
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04 Feb 2014, 1:11 am

Ashariel wrote:
"Speak up."
"Look people in the eye."
"Smile."
"Say please."
"Say thank you."
"Say you're sorry."
"That's impolite, never do that again."
"Stop fidgeting."
"Stop babbling and repeating other people."
"Stop walking on your toes."
"Eat it and pretend to like it no matter what."
"Stop complaining."
"Stop crying."
"Be quiet and behave yourself."
"You have no reason to be sad."
"Don't let me catch you with that moping expression ever again."

I learned to "fake NT" pretty well, and wasn't diagnosed until I was 40. :?

With a few exceptions, this is about how I was raised. My dad was a lot like me: quiet, introverted, only really opens up around friends and family. Mom was the primary caregiver. She was (almost) always kind, caring, and understanding (if a bit of a joker). My parents are also conservative Christians, so I wasn't spared the paddle while I was growing up.

When I was diagnosed, Mom was a lot more understanding about why I acted the way I did, although I'm sure it drove her nuts that I consistently refused to do my schoolwork in high school. But she always gave me nudges in the right direction, and would point out my social mistakes so that I could work on correcting them. I got a 504 Program in high school, and she was the one who found out about the Autism Support Program I'm in now.

My parents were, however, rather strict. If left alone, I would just play video games all day, so Mom quickly put a stop to that. For most of my childhood, I didn't have a lot of video games to play, and when I did have access to them, they were frequently taken away for various behavioral reasons.

Basically, my parents knew the value of the word "no," and I think it benefited me a great deal. I would be a wreck of a person without Mom and Dad caring about me the way they did.


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Makar
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04 Feb 2014, 5:00 am

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Last edited by Makar on 05 Feb 2014, 10:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

Chazzer
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04 Feb 2014, 12:52 pm

My mum is a very nice kind and loving woman she takes care of my sister and I very well. Thanks to caring for me for 15 years she has made caring for autistic children her job and works as a classroom assistant at a local primary school. She works with this one severely autistic boy whose parents seem to think his autism will eventually go away. I am very close to my mum and I help her out with the housework a lot.

My dad on the other hand is quite strict and once or twice used corporal punishment when I was younger. My parents divorced when I was five or six and went off to live with my mum so I haven't really been that close to my dad. I was once a lot closer to my dad when I was very little and when my parents first split up because my routine back then dictated I spent the day with my dad as he worked a night shift at an oil refinary and the evenings with my mum who worked during the day at a hospital. Me and my dad would go into town to the local cafe and I'd always eat the same thing and we would always walk the same way home. But since my parents properly split up and their divorce was finalized things have gone down hill between me and my dad he got himself a gold digging wife who was twenty years younger than him and they are alway arguing he has since had another child since he has been with this devil woman. Luckily they have recently split up and since then me and my dad's relationship has improved drastically



droppy
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04 Feb 2014, 1:44 pm

My father has some sort of AS and ADD as well, also he have never cared much about me being quirky/weird because he's pretty much the same. Not to mention that he doesn't trust "the experts" at all and he thinks they're the ones with the real mentall illnesses (he was told he had AS or schizoid PD a few times and he has never believed it, he said the psychiatrists who told him that were way weirder than him).
My mother immediately noticed I was not a "typical" kid.



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04 Feb 2014, 2:05 pm

I was the only child of a single parent who was probably of the same whatever-it-is that affects me. She was at work a lot just to keep a roof over our heads and we only had contact with her relatives at the holidays even though most of them lived in town. She didn't have many friends or a social life, either. She was happy just reading books and listening to opera. I was pretty much on my own. She tried with me but I was too extremely stubborn with my sensory difficulties and interests and she eventually gave up trying to discipline me. I didn't misbehave, exactly. I was happy with books and dress-up. I just never bathed or brushed my teeth or did my homework or played sports. I was never in trouble, exactly, but I didn't get to learn any serious discipline.


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04 Feb 2014, 4:22 pm

My mother was gentle and down-to-earth. We are quite close and we like to do things together sometimes. She has a great sense of humor, and would often give good advice whenever I have a problem.

My father, however, was more strict. Whenever I get into trouble, he would scream at me and spank me. He wasn't a good role model, either; he drinks and abuses my mother in front of me and my brother. I haven't kept in touch with him since my parents' divorce about 16 years ago.


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Stryker
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05 Feb 2014, 12:13 am

My Dad seems to somewhat be living in a state of denial. He used to constantly punish me and chew me out for simply expressing my AS. He also triggers a majority of my meltdowns by trying to pick fights with me. I know that my dad loves me, however, because he has rage issues and we tend to "butt heads" on a daily basis, I do tend to forget. He really is a good dad and can be the nicest guy you'll meet.

My mother has ADHD and has been helping me with my AS from the get go. She has defended me from my dad and my younger siblings for over 13 years and is still helping me out. She is very understanding and is helping me finding a good psychiatrist and getting back on medication for my own ADHD.