Aspies and motherhood

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Hello, all. I actually do have a couple of nicknames, but they've been taken. They're Hannah Banana and Pippi, so you can call me either one, or just plain Hannah. I'm a single mom with a 20-month-old daughter named Alyza and struggling tremendously. I lose patience with her, yell and scream at her and sometimes a little rough with her. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death, but I don't know if I'm really cut out for motherhood. Do any of you out there have kids? There have been times when I seriously thought about giving her up for adoption, but I think it's too late for that now. I had to give up another daughter of mine for adoption; she's 7 years old now. I know, so why did I bother having kids? Well, the first one was unplanned and I wasn't ready. This one I have now was actually planned and I was hoping to marry her father and we would be a happy family. But no. This father of hers turned out to be an abusive monster and I had to leave him. So now here I am living with my dad and stepmom, hoping to get a job and my own place soon. I hope I can deal with living on my own with Alyza. I guess all mothers feel this way, huh? Is it just worse for me because I have Asperger's? Please send me some feedback. Thanks!

As a mother with Autism, I am constantly wondering this for myself. I have pondered if I should do my children the favour of leaving them with their father, so that they can find a better replacement, or at least not have to deal with me and how high-maintenance I am. Or both. I know that would present another set of problems for my family, but I constantly have this nagging guilt that I am just not made for this, and that I could even be ruining everything due to my specific set of problems.
I struggle with a lot physically, and even after 7 years of parenting, I don't feel it's become any easier. I still have great difficulty understanding my kids, which is just sad. I want to be able to read them better, and naturally interact better. I don't take initiative to talk to people often, I just forget, but then even trying feels strange and forced and I don't know how to keep it going. As important as my kids are to me, they are no exception. I don't intend to ignore them at all, it's so hard for me to remember that other people need things, like hugs and interactive play, or even what that entails. I have a hard time taking care of just myself. I have just as hard of a time understanding them and picking up on what they're trying to communicate. Granted, one is too young to speak English fluently, my other child also has Asperger Syndrome and we have a very hard time communicating to each other. I also struggle with sensory and tactile defensiveness, ADHD, and communication barriers. Then there are my sensory/tactile issues. If I'm getting stressed due to my jumbled brain and my inability to complete a task with noise and other obstacles present, I start to get overwhelmed physically. My vision changes and everything becomes too light and intense, all of the noises start to scare me and hurt me physically and add to my jumbled confusion.
I also stutter when I'm in those sensory overload, pre-"meltdown" modes. I just start to pace and stim like crazy. And if I can't find any mental clarity, I just start crying uncontrollably in addition to massive amounts of stimming and occasionally hitting my head (though I am really trying to stop that now). I feel just like a small child again who has no idea what is going on or how to get my head straight again. Needless to say, during those times I am of no use to my children. And I hate that they ever have to see how I get when I'm overloaded and overwhelmed. I'm also not very nice during those times (duh, I can barely handle what my body is experiencing, how could I be reasonable??), but that also makes me feel incredibly bad. I don't want them to hate me because of these things. And no one is empathetic or understanding. I'm always being made to feel that I'm just a horrible, reckless person who needs to control myself better.

Definitely makes parenting incredibly hard (almost unrealistically so, personally). But I am currently (FINALLY) in therapy trying to learn coping skills. Really hoping that helps at this point, if not, I'm at my wit's end.

I get stressed out easily with my son and start yelling at him an it's worse when he is rambunctious and can't be good. I don't judge parents anymore when I see them screaming at their children because I don't know if they're having a bad day ad if they're overwhelmed because their kids can't stop misbehaving and jumping around and acting up and it's not like you can hand your kids off to someone until you feel like being a parent again every time your kids bother you so you can restart yourself and then be a mom again.

I tried looking up online about yelling at your kids and all I keep seeing is about things that don't even apply to me so basically what is happening to me isn't normal. I have no reason to be stressed out because I have no deadlines from work, I don't work full time, I am not going through any stress in my life that would causes me stress, these reasons for why parents yell a their kids which is normal when they are in these situations because of lot of stuff going on in their lives and there is barely anything going on in mine so any advice would be useless because there is no advice for parents like me because none of them say anything about my situation. I can see now what ASD parents mean when they say there is no resources for ASD parents. I used to just think read parenting books, read it up online for advice.

I am having another baby in May and I don't plan on having anymore for financial reasons and also because I don't think I would be able to handle that many kids. I even wonder how ASD parents manage to be single parents because there is no way I can be a single parent. I have my husband I can just hand my kid off too so I can have a break but sadly he ends up handing him back to me and expecting me to still do the job just so he can play his darn game until I go to work and I have to threaten child abuse just to get him to do his share as a parent so I can have my break. You can't do that when you're single. I wonder how do aspies not yell at their children because I have seen them claim they don't raise their voice so I wonder do they not ever get overwhelmed, they must have great children then who are perfect. Their kids must not push their buttons or provoke them. They lucked out having easy kids. I wonder what their secret is to not get overwhelmed and start yelling. I am hoping they will share it in this thread after reading this post.

I do get moments where I feel like hitting my kid when I am upset and wanting to beat him but I don't do it. It's worse when I am tired and my son won't stay in bed or go to sleep and he keeps jumping around and trying to get up and it's always a relief when my mom or dad offer to take over. I don't know how a parent would do it if they were single. I can't even imagine what things would be like for me or what would happen if I were single and had no help from my parents. Adoption would be a hard decision to make and it's not easy making that choice and apparently it gets too late to put your kid up for an adoption because I have read stories about how it's child abandonment to drop your kid off at social services and have the state take care of them so the parent is screwed. If they can't handle it or be a good parent, they're in trouble if they snap and do child abuse. That's why they're screwed because the law prevented them from making that tough decision. Now I wish there was a new law out that would allow parents to put their kids up for adoption anytime or hand them to the state but even foster care is bad too so life is a mess because of catch 22 and most people want a baby when they adopt, not an older child so the kid will less likely get adopted when their parents decide to put them up for an adoption.

It would be nice if we all had a crystal ball to see into the future before having kids to see how fit we would be as a parent and how our kids would be so we know our limitations and how things turn out to know rather to have kids or not. You don't even know until you become a parent and good news is lot of parents wonder if they are fit to be a parent or not. I saw a poll about it at Babycenter and 85% voted yes for they do question their own parenting abilities and if they were fit to be a parent or not. So lot of us feel guilt and feel bad thinking we're not fit to be a parent.


It sucks how things turned out the way it did you didn't plan.

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I have an 18 month old daughter. I love her SO much. I am finding the toddler stage to be the most difficult one so far though, and I have already made up my mind that she will be my only kid. I know she's just a baby and babies have tantrums, but every time she screams or cries, it's basically instant sensory overload. Factor in everything else that needs to get done and I am DRAINED at the end of the day.

No wait, I am DRAINED by the time the day isn't even half over. She's a pretty good kid too; it's just a lot of work and very easy to lose patience when I'm already feeling overloaded. I have found that when I'm on the brink of losing it, walking into another room (making sure she's safe of course) and counting to 10 helps me compose myself, even if she's still screaming and whatnot.

I personally find that if I can find time to get away and decompress (even if it's just a nap) I am a better mom. If you find a job and get your own place, you'll have to find childcare/daycare for your daughter. The time you spend away from her while she's in daycare might be the break you need, even if it's spent while working.

I really wish there was more support for moms on the spectrum. I feel like there is so much for parents of kids on the spectrum, but those kids grow up to be adults... so why isn't there support for the aspie parents?

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. Motherhood is hard.

I am a childcare professional who was led to this career by lack of interaction with kids my age. I was always with the younger ones and I studied them as a child. What made them cry, what their parents saw and what I saw, what worked and what didnt. As I got older and became a certified preschool teacher, I took class after class after class of discpline methods, transitioning, bedtime/nap time routines, even parenting classes (when i didnt even have kids) I guess it was my Aspie obsession (like some obsess over trains and learn everything about them). As a teacher I could relate to the children better than I could with the parent and I realized that communicating with the children helped tramendously. They are really no different than us, and by us, i mean Aspie/autistics. They do not understand sarcasm, most social cues (adult ones) and they have tantrums and a hard time relating to their parents. So, I focused in on them. When they were crying I asked them why. When they could tell me I would teach them how to make it better or handle it themselves. If they were happy or doing something wonderful, I acknowledge it. I praised any chance I could. Now, I am a mother of a 3 year old autistic boy and a 5 month old daughter. My son is my best friend and all the studying and classes and research and hands on learning I did in my younger years has made me a better mother. I try to relate to him. Example: "He is crying and his shirt is wet... hmmm I hate when I am wet when I dont want to be, maybe he is crying because he doesnt like the feel of the water." Most the time I am right on why he is misbehaving and why he is crying. He is a good boy too and it gets easier the more you try to match how you feel (as an aspie) with what your child may be going through (aspie or NT). I hate to admit that I still get the same anger and frustration and am a bit rough on my worse days but I make it MANDATORY to explain to him after I walk away and calm down, that I was not angry with him, but that I was upset with whatever the situation was that made me snap. (for example: he spills his drink when he is at the table and I am zoning in my pacing thinking mode, I snap and scream in his face. Once I realize what I am doing I tell him "mommy needs to walk away". Then when I come back I tell him "Mommy did not mean to yell in your face. It was NOT ok for my to yell like that. I was mad at the water on the floor, NOT at you".) I know I am a good mommy. I give my kids everything they need and I always make special mommy/child time with each of them. So when I snap, I know its involuntary and as long as I am responsible with it and let my child know what I did was not okay or his fault, then I know I am doing all that I can. Aspie or no Aspie all moms struggle with getting frustrated. Unfortunetally, we tend to notice too late and its harder for us to walk away cause its usually over before we can see what we did. Maybe I could help you with anything you need let me know. I am more than an expert, I am and Aspie obsessed professional lol. Just think how much worse off your child would be without you if you did the adoption. If you think she is in harms way with you, then maybe look into an extra set of eyes, a mothers helper kind of person, if you feel she is safe, then all you have to do is the best you can do to relate to her. Good luck.