Tired of being misunderstood - a little rant

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mj1
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02 Dec 2007, 2:16 am

I am so sick and tired of being misunderstood by nearly everyone. It happens when talking to people directly or when posting in forums. I think it angers me the most when it happens in forums because I can't yell at the idiots to get my point across. I've tried changing the way I talk or write so that I'm explaining myself more clearly (as if I was talking to morons) but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Since it happens a lot, I can only conclude that the problem is with me. Although, I really don't think it's all me. I think people are just bleeping idiots nowadays.



Isaura
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02 Dec 2007, 2:25 am

mj, why do you care so much if they understand you or now? maybe it would help to just relax and say to yourself--i dont care



KimJ
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02 Dec 2007, 2:27 am

yep, and if you try and explain yourself you're being petulant or argumentative. If you don't explain yourself further than "they're" right.
My husband is very articulate and intelligent. I show him my posts and he understands them. So, I don't get when people either take what I say the wrong way or say I'm unclear. Or say I'm offensive when I thought I was having decent conversation. How am I supposed to go "out" and meet people when my fellow Aspies don't get me?



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02 Dec 2007, 8:15 am

I continue to be misunderstood IRL. I've just learned not to let it bother me.

I was misunderstood my first 6 months at WP. Some people were absolutely convinced I was some kind of creepy bad guy. Some people at WP still don't get me.

I guess their will always be people who find me hard to believe.


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02 Dec 2007, 8:24 am

"I've tried changing the way I talk or write so that I'm explaining myself more clearly (as if I was talking to morons)..."

Er... that might be part of the problem. Try not to speak to people as if they're 'bleeping morons' if they don't understand every subtle nuance or agree with your points. Either forget about it and move on, or calmly elaborate your point. Don't dumb things down!

p.s. can't shout in a forum? OF COURSE YOU CAN!! !! (just don't do it too often or it loses effect) :P



Jett
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02 Dec 2007, 9:08 am

Perhaps they do understand what you are saying, and just disagree.

I have the problem where if they are not agreeing with what I am saying I assume they do not understand it correctly. So as expected at that point I can explain and explain some more . I believe that is due to the "theory of mind" affect... lol.

But I do it all the time and it drives people batty. Even know I see this in myself... it still seems to happen constantly but I do try to work on it.



mj1
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03 Dec 2007, 8:42 am

After some thought on this, I realize that I can't stand being accused of something I didn't do. When I'm being misunderstood, it's sometimes (not always) the same as being accused of something I didn't do, depending on the situation.

If there's a simple misunderstanding I'm not bothered. But if it's a misunderstanding that results in even slightly being accused of something I didn't do, I get very angry.

I think this stems from the way my father treated and still treats me. He has a brain injury so he gets confused and angry sometimes. When that happens, he often accuses people of things to make himself feel better, even though he hasn't realized that yet.

When I was a teenager and didn' know that he had a brain injury, I thought he had just gone crazy. He would often accuse me of lots of things I didn't do. Things like stealing his belongings and hiding them to poisoning his food. There was one time that he put me in a situation where I had to say I did something that I hadn't done to protect someone else from being falsely accused. Sometimes I was punished for these things. It always made me angry and upset because there was no one to take my side and there was no one else who could've done those things except for him. I eventually started wondering if I had gone crazy and maybe I did those things and just didn't remember.

But it gets so frustrating to always have to explain myself to certain people. If my mother misunderstands me, we end up arguing. I feel the need to explain myself because I can't have my mother thinking I've just done something I haven't done. It's just not good for our relationship. I can't have her thinking I'm dishonest.

I suppose I shouldn't worry about what strangers think.

But what happens when I get a job and my boss and co-workers misunderstand everything I say? That wouldn't be good at all. I could get fired.



InSpades
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03 Dec 2007, 1:08 pm

mj1 wrote:
. Since it happens a lot, I can only conclude that the problem is with me.


You are on the right path. Have you given thought that it is the other way around? You don't understand them.

Yes I have AS.



Superted
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28 Feb 2014, 6:46 pm

Hi I'm new :D

I have this problem a lot, I know it is partly down to me because I tend to approach subjects laterally and often people will walk off taking my first comment as the last. I find it infuriating, especially when at work. It doesn't help when they group together within ear shot and debase you (although not clearly) from a clear misunderstanding on their part for which they are too dim witted to observe. Pack mentality is a large part of it I assume, dependence on others rather than oneself to hold a multi-faceted conversation.
At the end of the day I stay content in my bubble, stay aware of my actions (unless driven to drink), and do the right thing. Then at least at the end of the day I can hold up two fingers with pride.

Also to add to this.

"Er... that might be part of the problem. Try not to speak to people as if they're 'bleeping morons' if they don't understand every subtle nuance or agree with your points. Either forget about it and move on, or calmly elaborate your point. Don't dumb things down! "

Some people just don't listen to reason, I've worked with most of them, they get taught or watch someone do something wrong and from that point onwards it is set in stone; anything different is usually taken as a personal attack (even when logically explained). :roll:

I don't mean to jump in, I've had a bad f***ing day. And on second thoughts it could be down to me being uninviting in some sort of manner, trick them with sweets and such in order to make them more socially malleable, then bend them to your whims?

But seriously, it's hard and you have my support, there are a few good people out there who will listen to you with an open heart, screw the rest.



aaronroy
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19 Nov 2014, 1:04 am

I can relate totally. Im usually extremely verbal and have got to a point that I don't even feel like speaking anymore as there is no way that it won't be twisted and I'll end up frustrated and looking like an ass.

Im so sick of it and its got to a point that it leads me to become irate and hatred of people. I think that people form an opinion of me based on the way I look predominantly and secondly how I somehow come across (I have no idea how I come across to people). I think no mater what I say Im prejudged and don't stand a chance of anyone hearing me or that I could possibly ever have anything important, intelligent or valid to say.

I think it makes me even more irate when I see someone that I know is a manipulator and isn't very intelligent speak and be heard, understood and validated.

and as for the people that say who cares or don't let it bother you. When it occurs in every area of your life (friends, family, work, social media, stores/shopping etc, etc, etc.) Its #1 like being trapped in a frustrating dream where you cant get your point across or communicate. Like your on a foreign planet. #2 It becomes debilitating that you can no longer, work, have friends, relationships or even go in public shopping and leads to frustration, anger and a sense of being trapped in a nightmare and feels very lonely.

Because of this I don't even speak to human beings anymore and only am around my pets.



LoveforLoki
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19 Nov 2014, 1:42 am

My input:

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a-holes."

There are a lot of jerks and trolls on the internet and in real life. Flaming people or belittling people seems to be the way most people get their kicks these days. Be careful and choose wisely what people you communicate with.

On a side note:

You wrote this topic and I understood you clearly. You explained your situation with ease.


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skibum
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19 Nov 2014, 4:52 am

Understanding others and being understood is sometimes very difficult especially for people who already have difficulty with communication which is a hallmark trait and symptom of being on the Spectrum. It takes great patience and lots of effort sometimes for all of us, even for NT's. So don't beat yourself up or others over it. Very few people are great at communicating. It is normal for miscommunication to happen a lot.


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eggheadjr
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19 Nov 2014, 1:19 pm

Feel free to rant on the topic of being misunderstood. I can certainly relate and I think pretty much everyone here can certainly relate.

Sometimes a little rant can just plain feel good. :D


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Amity
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19 Nov 2014, 1:40 pm

Hi superted, I'm jumping onto your rant bandwagon, :) Usually when miscommunication occurs I assume Im responsible for it. In an ideal world the person I?m interacting with would question instead of assume my meaning, this would reduce confusion and allow for on topic discussion to continue. But really people will generally take the easier option and assert their own layer of confusion as fact. This turns a simple misunderstanding into something I struggle to correct.
If I stay quiet, that inaction leads to personal consequences which are preferable to the headache of miscommunication, such as internalised invalidation, to deal with this I ask myself if my thoughts on the matter are without substance? Maybe yes, maybe no, do I need to communicate the point for it to be true or valid? No. But this silence leads to another layer of confusion as people fill in the blanks per se and then I have to deal with others reaction to the misunderstanding regardless, this method is easier though, because I?m dealing with confusion based on a small amount of my words. Sigh, your not alone.



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19 Nov 2014, 3:50 pm

aaronroy wrote:
I think it makes me even more irate when I see someone that I know is a manipulator and isn't very intelligent speak and be heard, understood and validated.


Me too. I see that happen a lot. It makes me feel like yelling at people.

Welcome to WP



nyxjord
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19 Nov 2014, 3:53 pm

I feel like most people don't care to actually read what someone writes-- they see something that catches their attention and then immediately jump to put in their 2-cents without actually seeing what the person was talking about. Or they are so concentrated on what they are thinking about that even when they do read what someone writes, they don't pay attention. They are more concerned about talking about themselves or their own interests. It's so frustrating and annoying.


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