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jamie2
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24 Feb 2014, 3:55 am

I came here to find out if others seem to have the same problem as me. Recently I realized I have been having great difficulties doing anything without having everyone get angry with me and start to fight. This occurs mostly when we are having a random conversation about something or doing something stressful like filing important paper work, or booking a trip or event. Keep in mind, I never lose my temper at all, which is the weird part. I just wanted to know if this was common with people with Aspergers or if it is related to some other issue?



EzraS
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24 Feb 2014, 4:15 am

It is very common in Aspergers to unintentionally get people angry or upset with you.
To unintentionally offend them. And have no clue as to why what you said is wrong to them.



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24 Feb 2014, 4:30 am

Well I tend to hurt people a lot by being so blunt and truthful. I get into arguments with others because I don't understand why they don't agree with me, I am baffled and frustrated they don't see it my way. Many times I say something and think in my head "Why are they saying I'm rude when I'm telling the truth? Is this just an insult to hide their embarrassment?" I don't feel bad for being "rude" cause I know my observations are the truth. Are we having a 18 century tea party and being overly formal and polite? (Which is equal to being fake, lying, and untrue to yourself)


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Last edited by Dreycrux on 24 Feb 2014, 8:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jamie2
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24 Feb 2014, 4:49 am

Thank you guys, I have no clue, but this has been happening to me a lot recently, and I just can't figure out why people are getting upset, I feel like everything is always fine, but it seems everyone gets angry. I wonder if people with aspergers can see something I can't, I am really having a hard time with this as I only just recently realized it.



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24 Feb 2014, 7:30 am

Multitasking is hard. If you are feeling very stressed, your ability process everything and act the way people expect will be less than you or they are accustomed to.

Another issue is that as you learn how to process social expectations and do so more in accordance with what others' expect, rather than praise and support, there is a tendency for expectations to rise, which can create a lot of frustration.

If this involves people who really care about you, it may be possible to have a conversation about how hard you're trying and what you and they need, maybe reach a compromise. As for others, if you are able, it may help to listen more in reducing everyone's frustration. Because arguments don't sound like something you want to continue. And though it seems like you're backing down, you're actually giving people room to calm themselves down, which tends to make them think positively about you. So then they want to argue less.



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24 Feb 2014, 10:03 am

Sometimes my mother asks me to retrieve a certain item (a crockpot for example) and when I get it, she gets a little frustrated when I bring up one she doesn't want. Then I point out that there are multiple ones with different colors, meaning her directions were kinda vague.



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24 Feb 2014, 10:24 am

This happens to me several times a week, almost daily, in fact. I'll say something that has my wife furious at me, and have no idea why. When I ask her what I said, she'll just get angrier. Eventually, I'll ask her to explain, and then I'll try to rationally explain to her why I said what I said and how I meant no harm. She will then usually get even more angry. By this point, I will have lost my cool as well (having started out calmly), and a full-on shouting match ensues.
Thankfully, at some point one of us usually realizes what's going on, and the situation defuses.



micfranklin
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24 Feb 2014, 10:37 am

The funny thing is I don't really argue or even raise my voice.



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24 Feb 2014, 11:09 am

I find that I get into arguments all the time with people and I have had a few friends stop talking to me because of it. It is a VERY Aspie thing.


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jamie2
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24 Feb 2014, 12:13 pm

Thanks guys, I was really doubting my diagnosis for a while, but I think this pretty much seals it, I was just talking with my girlfriend, and she started to fight me because I thought I found a solution to a problem, recently I realized it's difficult for me to work, because I keep getting into clashes with others and people always tell me I am weird, and I get the worst shifts because of it and discriminated against. Anyways, she was unwilling to accept my solution, though she knows I was diagnosed with aspergers and she noticed it first. Anyways, she started to super yell at me. I tried hard to rationally explain to her how I thought this was better route for us, but she refused it, she kept insisting I was doing something wrong. When these things happen I really have no clue how to solve them, because I am not expecting the anger, and since yesterday everyone is fighting me for some reason or another, and I have no idea why everybody can't just do things calmly like I am trying to. The other problem I have is with making decisions which causes even more arguments. I wonder if there is a way to make people realize I am not trying to make them angry on purpose.



inachildsmind
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24 Feb 2014, 12:24 pm

jamie2 wrote:
Thanks guys, I was really doubting my diagnosis for a while, but I think this pretty much seals it, I was just talking with my girlfriend, and she started to fight me because I thought I found a solution to a problem, recently I realized it's difficult for me to work, because I keep getting into clashes with others and people always tell me I am weird, and I get the worst shifts because of it and discriminated against. Anyways, she was unwilling to accept my solution, though she knows I was diagnosed with aspergers and she noticed it first. Anyways, she started to super yell at me. I tried hard to rationally explain to her how I thought this was better route for us, but she refused it, she kept insisting I was doing something wrong. When these things happen I really have no clue how to solve them, because I am not expecting the anger, and since yesterday everyone is fighting me for some reason or another, and I have no idea why everybody can't just do things calmly like I am trying to. The other problem I have is with making decisions which causes even more arguments. I wonder if there is a way to make people realize I am not trying to make them angry on purpose.


I am going through this right now. Seems like once every other month I have a few days where I get others really upset by what I say. Lately instead of them pushing me away, as I can see sometimes now that I am being misunderstood, I tend to back off now and tell THEM I am not talking to them. I then delete their number and email as too not continue to push a subject (like why they are mad cause I still dont know) but instead I give myself space from them and I will find them again a bit later somehow and explain my reason for letting them go. I can not take the arguing, I do not intend to have arguments but someone in a thread I just wrote in (Too Caught Up In Yourself?) told me most the time we speak with logic, their arguments are full of emotions so if they are NTs most likely you are unnoticably hurting their feelings in some way. We do not see that picture because we base our comments on facts. As this I have recently found out too so I am not an expert. I feel your pain though. I hate when I get people upset with me. BUT i think I hate it the most that they can not just settle down and hear my side and why it makes sense.



jamie2
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24 Feb 2014, 12:38 pm

inachildsmind wrote:
I am going through this right now. Seems like once every other month I have a few days where I get others really upset by what I say. Lately instead of them pushing me away, as I can see sometimes now that I am being misunderstood, I tend to back off now and tell THEM I am not talking to them. I then delete their number and email as too not continue to push a subject (like why they are mad cause I still dont know) but instead I give myself space from them and I will find them again a bit later somehow and explain my reason for letting them go. I can not take the arguing, I do not intend to have arguments but someone in a thread I just wrote in (Too Caught Up In Yourself?) told me most the time we speak with logic, their arguments are full of emotions so if they are NTs most likely you are unnoticably hurting their feelings in some way. We do not see that picture because we base our comments on facts. As this I have recently found out too so I am not an expert. I feel your pain though. I hate when I get people upset with me. BUT i think I hate it the most that they can not just settle down and hear my side and why it makes sense.


Wow, this is exactly what I think is happening, I never thought about it being that maybe I was hurting their feelings for some unknown reason. Yes I have no emotions behind what I was saying, I totally was thinking about it logically, and I hate that no one will see it my way, not because I think I'm absolutely right but because they refuse to understand my logic. I am really worried that they do not understand how I cannot figure out a better solution, and that the one I have figured right now is several times more safe, and bound to lead to better success, then continuing what I am doing now. For some reason, they refuse to understand that, which is what I hate. Also I really need help with this situation but instead I get ultimatums and anger from everyone around me, but I think that if I listen to them I will ruin myself. Tough position, I wish everyone would just understand what I am getting at more often. I wonder if there is a way to get through to people more, but now that you told me about the emotions thing maybe I should try to see if that is what it is and talk about that, instead of trying to make them understand my logic.



Dreycrux
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24 Feb 2014, 12:54 pm

Telling the truth is not being mean or rude. How can I feel bad? When I had a girlfriend I told her it doesn't make sense to call me rude when I tell the truth. I told her instead she should just think "Oh. maybe I am acting that way...I should change that" But instead she just gets angry and says I'm mean or rude or whatever.

No logic at all.


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jamie2
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24 Feb 2014, 12:57 pm

Dreycrux wrote:
Telling the truth is not being mean or rude. How can I feel bad? When I had a girlfriend I told her it doesn't make sense to call me rude when I tell the truth. I told her instead she should just think "Oh. maybe I am acting that way...I should change that" But instead she just gets angry and says I'm mean or rude or whatever.

No logic at all.


This exact same situation happens to me, like almost every time I get into a fight with her. However, she keeps insisting I change, but she refuses to notice that she needs to too, or that I have changed or tried to change, but it's maybe not working as she likes, maybe because I can't, but I am not sure.



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24 Feb 2014, 1:04 pm

I try to stay out of arguments as much as I can. If I know an opinion I have is going to hurt someone, and it's clear that their opinion are the opposite of mine and they like a good argument, I don't say anything at all.


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jamie2
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24 Feb 2014, 1:17 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
I try to stay out of arguments as much as I can. If I know an opinion I have is going to hurt someone, and it's clear that their opinion are the opposite of mine and they like a good argument, I don't say anything at all.


Interesting, one of the weird reasons though that I get into arguments so often is because I do not believe my opinion will hurt anyone, though if I had that feeling maybe I would stay quiet too, I have had that feeling before and sometimes I do not say anything, but most of the time when I do get into arguments I had absolutely no idea it would hurt anyone. It is really strange. I have no idea what is going on.