Tired and anxious and stuff

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In the past week I've been kinda tired a lot. I've had to take a lot of FMLA. It seems that if I run errands before work, and do not get in a nap between those errands and work, then I will be exhausted. I notice that that impacts my performance. Last Wednesday, I was getting my medical documents to my surgeon for sex reassignment surgery and when I went to my endocrinologist's office to send them over, I noticed they had a lot of outdated information. I discussed that with them, but ended up speaking to 3 people at the same time who kept contradicting each other and I was very irritated. When I got home, it was less than an hour before work and I felt ancient. My legs and feet hurt, my chest hurt deep, and I felt very dizzy and tired. I knew I would not be able to perform at work that day, called in FMLA, and slept for a few hours. After getting up, I felt better, but guilty about calling on for work.

The next day, I got lots of sleep. I did wake up early and ran a quick errand, but then got a couple more hours sleep before going to work. I arrived at work on time that day and did well.

Then Friday, I went to see my cardiologist for issues of orthostatic intolerance, as my endocrinologist just a couple weeks earlier had recommended, but I found the conversation I had with her utterly baffling and anxiety-producing. When I came home, I felt tired but agitated. I called in saying I was going to be late for work and would arrive at 4:30 PM (with normal start time of 2 PM). I then spent the next couple hours engaged in lots of different activity, moving from thing to thing, feeling very tired, but also very much on edge. As 4:30 PM approached, I knew I could not work yet, but I tried lying down, and I went into like this half-sleep, where I was kinda awake and kinda not. I got up around 5:30 PM, felt better, and went to work, where I performed reasonably well.

I'm burnt out by all this. I don't know if it's the winter, anxiety and anticipation over finally getting sex reassignment surgery, orthostatic intolerance, some weird somatoform disorder, dehydration, or something. I have no idea what to do at this point.

I've also had lots of sensory issues lately; at times, I cannot stand to hear a sound. The sound is really revolting to me. When I'm at my parents' house, they have the TV going the whole time, which makes me retreat into a room with the lights off, the door closed, and the fan on to escape from the noise. I am very tired at this point and will sleep hard. Last weekend, I slept for 3 to 4 hours and when I got up my dad said I "slept too hard."

I had a meaningful dream last night. I was at the surgery place for sex reassignment surgery getting things together. They then told me one of the surgery letters would not be accepted because the person practicing was a member of a classification of providers called "blue ribbon," who were looked upon with suspicion by the surgeons. Disappointed, I knew I would have to leave without the surgery and go home, with all the travel expenses sunk, and restart the process, and travel a second time. As I was about to leave through the exit, I saw a young woman who looked like she was fresh out of high school come in, presumably to get surgery herself as a young trans woman. I was thinking to myself, She's got everything set up, ready to go, supported by her family, etc., while I've got nothing but blue ribbon.

As I was about to leave, I remembered I had a letter from yet another provider that would likely be approved. I then tried to return to speak with them. As I went up the stairs, however, I found the stairs dismantled. They told me I was done for the day and that I would have to return later with the new letter. I pleaded with them to let me up to present the new letter and it appeared they began to move to let me up, but the way they did it made it clear they never intended me to and they taunted me as they did so.

I found this dream to carry a lot of meaning for me.

I spoke with my therapist; he says I've been having some stress reactions. I'm at work now, and all the talking and stuff is extremely bothersome today. I've tried taking clonazepam before work, but I realize it may make me sleepy. I am prepared to take FMLA if I get too sleepy and to try to take another approach.

This morning, I woke up at 7 or 8 with a gasp. I then went back to sleep quickly and woke up at 9. I had gone to sleep at about 1 or 2 the night before. At noon, I was starting to feel fatigued and needed to sleep before going to work. I slept for about an hour.