Asperger's makes me seem un-ladylike

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My dad, in arguing against my receiving sex reassignment surgery, has said I don't exhibit any of the stereotypical womanly qualities. My mum brought this up in our session with my therapist and my therapist said the Asperger's will definitely make you seem not very ladylike. So for something of such long-term importance for me, sex reassignment surgery, my dad may be opposed and may even make it more difficult for me to get it because my Asperger's does not allow for the ready adoption of the more ladylike traits.

"Lady-like" is largely culturally determined as far as I can make out. It's up to you, surely, to be as "lady-like" as you choose. Be yourself!

I'm confused ...what does that have to do with anything? Is there some rule that if won't turn you into Jackie Onassis then you can't do it?

Your dad is full of s**t. The fact is that you're a woman who was assigned male at birth, and that surgery is a highly successful treatment for women who are AMAB.

I hope you can get it without his influence or interference.

I'm not very "manly," and I could not care less. Live how you are, be how you want to be!

*chucklesnort

I am far from "lady-like" I get what the term and the idea means, but it is so totally subjective as to not even matter. Lady-like... lol... The 50's called, they want their misogynistic "stereotype" back...

The genetic woman I look up to? Far from lady-like, Martha Cannary was also known as Calamity Jane. That woman was amazing and she had an amazing and adventurous life, I envy her. "She came up from a very hardscrabble life, unacquainted with bourgeois notions of decorum; she probably never knew financial security, but even in poverty she was known for her helpfulness, generosity, and willingness to undertake demanding and even dangerous tasks to help others. She was afflicted with alcoholism and wanderlust (and, perhaps, promiscuity), but, as someone remembered her, "Her vices were the wide-open sins of a wide-open country – the sort that never carried a hurt.""

Another woman I look up to is my Husbands sister, she is a horse farmer. Tough as nails, smart, does her own thing and relies on no one.... most of the time you will either find her in muckboots or barefoot. Lady-like? maybe not. Strong woman? You bet your life. Doing what she loves despite everyone's misgivings when she first started decades ago.

I realized a very long time ago that I am the only one that has to/can, live my life. No one else can do that for me, nor would I want them to. Life is really short, finite. Why would you want to waste that finite resource trying to jump through hoops to make other people happy? Just because they say you have to make them happy? Or that by doing XYZ thing will make THEM unhappy?.... They will NEVER be happy....

Lady-like... wow. Ladies are about the least useful things on the planet. Women however. Women get things done. I almost vowed never to be a frilly lady-thing. Why sell myself short like that? What a terrible restriction. I want to be able to enjoy whatever I want to do with my life, if that means driving a semi-truck or joining the armed forces to fight for my country or just staying at home to knit, it should be up to me. So long as I am not hurting myself or others and i am doing my best at whatever I put my mind to no one can ask more of me.

It should only matter to you as you are the only one that has to live your life. If you are capable and able you should be making your own decisions.

Pardon the disjointed rant, I am really very tired. You get the idea though.

I am one of Brassard's girls.

I get called unladylike all the time, from all the way since back when I was a toddler till now.

A lot of what people deem as lady like is not natural or innate, but is an invented cultural social construct that instructs how this type of person (female, girl, woman, or a decent lady basically) is supposed to dress, appear, and behave correctly in order to fit in with society and be easily identifyable as part of their subtype (their gender).

The construct sometimes also includes far fetched things like deciding what are appropriate personal interests and hobbies for a girl or woman, to expecting to be able to predict her areas of aptitudes and their strengths, and which types of jobs she should choose or aspire for.

Last edited by stabilator on 10 Mar 2014, 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Neither do I. But what does it mean to be "ladylike"? What does it mean to be a woman, ladylike or not? I was born female but I don't feel like a woman, and I'm not even sure what that would feel like. I don't feel male, either. I often don't feel human at all.

Nonperson:

What is ladylike may vary from country to country, and even by ethnicity, socioeconomic status etc. Often they are generalized by gender stereotypes (which can probably be Google searched) "Womens' magazines" and fashion magazines sometimes go over what is good to dress in and appear like and what is not a good idea to wear. Some behaviors for girls may be learned in school from classmates, and maybe teachers, parents and relatives, television and books sometimes cover the topics. I get tired and bored of gender stereotypes and what it is to be ladylike. To me it is shallow and restricting and never did me much good. I've always been an outcast no matter what I do, whether I try to fit in or not. I don't really bother with that gender roles/ladylike stuff unless it is absolutely imperative for my very existence and is temporary.

I don't know what it is to feel like a woman. I'm just me.

And often I don't feel like I am a human because I think and act so much different from them, I don't understand them much, and so many humans villify, bully, punish, hate and outcast me.

Last edited by stabilator on 11 Mar 2014, 1:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's hard to say that I felt like a man or a woman, either, with some exceptions, but for some reason, for me, what was important was the body. I was disturbed by my male puberty; I remember expecting to grow breasts at around the age of 12 and becoming frustrated when they wouldn't grow. I hated all the hair, I hated the growth of the organ down there, the way it brushed up against my leg, etc. When I was 8, I read about sex reassignment surgery for the first time and for me the need for it ran deep.

There are times, though, when I did feel girly when I was young; I remember when I was 14 and in the mental hospital, with the psychosis having long subsided, and we were out for a nighttime light show in late fall/early winter and there was this boy, almost 18, who I was obsessed with, this boy who had a spoken vocabulary of only 2 or 3 words, and when we were out in the van, I curled up against him, and it was almost like I was purring. I liked his stone face and quiet demeanor. Immediately, cries of "You're gay!" would spill out from the rest of the van and I quickly corrected myself. Nevertheless, I did feel somewhat girly when I did that. In retrospect, the whole deal was also quite bizarre so I'm not sure what you can get from that.

I was "officially" straight during my school years, but I would have moments of attraction to guys I felt disturbing and unwilling to admit. Nevertheless, I found that most of the guys I was peers with were total turnoffs with their rude, crass demeanor.

As my therapist explained to my mum who then explained to my dad, I am/will be a woman with Asperger's. According my mum, my dad actually seemed to accept that explanation (as he has respect for my therapist, having met him before).

Now he's concerned about progeny. My older brother, my dad's son from a previous marriage, had several children, but he ended up getting into alcoholism, engaging in domestic violence, and ending up in and out of jail--we don't even know where he is now. My sister-in-law tried raising their half-dozen children, my nieces and nephews, but she was eventually found unfit by the state and they were all adopted away, with changed last names, so my dad thinks of that as a failure. Now he has been looking to me and things were rough at first, but then improved greatly, so he was wondering if I would carry on the family's last name, to carry on his legacy, and well, I've transitioned to be a woman and am probably sterile at this point. So now he looks to my younger sister, who is actually in a stable marriage, both of them Marines (oorah!), but they aren't planning on having children any time soon and are using the GI Bill to get an education and build a steady life.

Nevertheless, I do plan to adopt children someday, if I'm not discriminated against (or perhaps marry someone who already has children and do a stepchild adoption, which would be less subject to discrimination). My dad intends to try to make contact with his grandchildren after they come of age, but I'm dubious much can come of it.

And I promise my mum and dad access to any kids I adopt.

Well, I doubt you are anymore "manly" then you are "ladylike".

I'm a male but don't feel like a man at all. I think It's more like a stereotypical kind of thing, If I don't use a perfume or don't go to a gym so I'm not human at all? Bollocks!

Forgive my presumption, and do not take this as an expression of disapproval, because it is not that, but has the OP researched any of the negative potentialities of this? What is the life expectancy, and suicide rate of people who undergo this procedure? What might the social repercussions be? Are you aware that castration will result in a 100% loss of libido? A bodies highest priority is to be utilitarian. Be mindful that you are not unnecessarily hampering your bodies utility. Gay, straight, or bi-sexual; you can be any of these things with the body that you have now.

Yes. I have researched this thoroughly and much of your information is misleading.

For social effects, I already live as a woman, so it wouldn't change that fact. It would, however, make it easier in situations such as when I need to go to the hospital and to update my birth certificate and state ID--federal ID has already been udpated.

Life expectancy is unclear, but I have already attempted suicide because I believed I could not get it. (In other words, I am already in a bad state.) Research shows that suicidality drops after surgery, which has benefits for both the person and the health system, as this California DOI report quotes:

http://transgenderlawcenter.org/wp-cont ... urance.pdf

You are wrong about castration and libido. I have long been chemically castrated and have NOT experienced 100% loss of libido. People who have had orchiectomy or this surgery still report having libido, and in fact when their genitals are more in line with how they feel they should be they find that their libido and sexual experience improves. Rates of regret for this procedure are low and success rates are high.

I am disgusted with my body as it is and no other method has resolved the issue. In my current bad state, it is the best choice, as affirmed in the Merck Manual and statements by professional health organizations.

Please, before bringing any more into this conversation, do your due dilligence and research the topic and make sure you are not spreading misinformation.

Suicide rate among transgender individuals who do not transition is approximately 41 times the national average. Post-transition suicide rates are significantly lower.

I don't want to speak over beneficii, but I wanted to get that statistic out there.

Oh, beneficii: It sounds like your father misunderstood and the later explanation alleviated his concerns. That's considerably better than what I thought at first. Hopefully he can get past the fertility issue (although options may exist in the future).