sleepless and alone NT

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Joined: 15 Mar 2014
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16 Mar 2014, 11:27 pm

I am a lesbian. I dated a woman for 4.5 years who refuses to acknowledge to her family or friends that she is a lesbian. About 6 months ago i broke up with her due to lack of empathy acknowledgements and compassion. But this has been the longest breakup!

I told her that I thought that she had Aspergers about a year and a half ago and she's been reading books and wouldn't go to counseling. Finally after i broke up with her, she started going to counseling but its very slow coming. I want to go to couples counseling but she doesn't think that we need it. She will go to a counselor for me not us. I am alone because I can't tell anybody else and she thinks that she is right and everything comes down to I am the one with the problem(s). I do not get any sympathy or compassion when I am upset and I'm not allowed to ask for affection because then I am controlling her. I am a miserable. I feel so abandoned when she literally gets annoyed with me crying. Yet, she doesn't want to breakup. I am tired and not getting any of my emotional needs met. I love her for i have no desire to continue this way with her. I want to be acknowledged as a person by her and a girlfriend to her family. I want to be touched and desired. I feel like i have to keep all of secrets which be fine if the did not cause me pain but i'm hurting from all this. I know i rambled but i just wrote what was on my heart.

Si_82
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16 Mar 2014, 11:57 pm

clezzy wrote:

Sorry Clezzy, sounds tough.

The problems you describe sound similar to problems between my wife and i before i knew i was on the spectrum but best way to be sure is through a diagnosis i think.

If i could offer you some autistic perspective, when she says that you are the problem rather than her its important to understand that, if she is autistic then you are appearing just as irrational to her as she is to you. its helpful to think of it as a difference whereby there needs to be give and take on both sides.

you have been together a long time and i hope you can work stuff out as she may need a lot of support if she turns out to be on the spectrum - late diagnosis can turn your world upsidown!

Good luck and i hope the forum answers some questions for you.

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ImAnAspie
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16 Mar 2014, 11:58 pm

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

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Who_Am_I
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17 Mar 2014, 2:23 am

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

Not helpful. The fact that you have problems doesn't mean the problems of others are insignificant.
If you talk to people like that all the time it might explain WHY you haven't been touched and desired for 12 years.

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-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I! I! I! I I I

ImAnAspie
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17 Mar 2014, 2:26 am

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

yeah, that's it. I started out all bitter and twisted and got nicer. That's why! Duh!

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Your Aspie score: 151 of 200
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Formally diagnosed in 2007.

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Who_Am_I
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17 Mar 2014, 2:29 am

ImAnAspie wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

yeah, that's it. I started out all bitter and twisted and got nicer. That's why! Duh!

You got nicer? When was this?

ImAnAspie
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17 Mar 2014, 2:39 am

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

yeah, that's it. I started out all bitter and twisted and got nicer. That's why! Duh!

You got nicer? When was this?

Sarcasm

I started out nice and dumb and naive thinking I was just like everyone else when it came to having a chance at a somewhat normal life, relationship wise. It's taken 12 years of nothing to make me all bitter and twisted inside - when I see people a quarter of my age flopping into and out of relationships like it was nothing special - partners cheating on each other like it was nothing special. If I had someone, I would cherish it and treat them with respect. I deserve someone more than half the slimebags out there who have someone and abuse them and the relationship but God just won't give me a break.... I'm tired and lonely and I don't give a s**t what anyone else says or suffers. I've had enough of this stupid life - thank God I'm an Aspie. Makes things soooo much easier. more sarcasm. I have the skill of hyperfocus and I usually hyperfocus on how much my life sucks!! !

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Your Aspie score: 151 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 60 of 200

Formally diagnosed in 2007.

Learn the simple joy of being satisfied with little, rather than always wanting more.

Who_Am_I
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17 Mar 2014, 2:45 am

ImAnAspie wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

yeah, that's it. I started out all bitter and twisted and got nicer. That's why! Duh!

You got nicer? When was this?

Sarcasm

I started out nice and dumb and naive thinking I was just like everyone else when it came to having a chance at a somewhat normal life, relationship wise. It's taken 12 years of nothing to make me all bitter and twisted inside - when I see people a quarter of my age flopping into and out of relationships like it was nothing special - partners cheating on each other like it was nothing special. If I had someone, I would cherish it and treat them with respect. I deserve someone more than half the slimebags out there who have someone and abuse them and the relationship but God just won't give me a break.... I'm tired and lonely and I don't give a sh** what anyone else says or suffers. I've had enough of this stupid life - thank God I'm an Aspie. Makes things soooo much easier. more sarcasm. I have the skill of hyperfocus and I usually hyperfocus on how much my life sucks!! !

If you don't give a s**t, then why not just keep quiet instead of making nasty remarks?
And if you don't give a s**t about other people, then why should anyone care about your oh-so-hard life?

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17 Mar 2014, 3:13 am

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

I'd like to leave a little bit of positive feedback for you. Hopefully you'll make use of it. Instead of becoming defensive. It could be your attitude, which accounts for you not being touched or desired for 12 years. Furthermore, I do hear you bitching. The entire premise of your post is bitching. After thousands of dollars of therapy, the greatest thing that I have learned is 'if you don't have something nice to say, just keep your mouth shut'. I hope you benefit from my thousands of dollars in therapy.

Last edited by Rascal77s on 17 Mar 2014, 3:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Rascal77s
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17 Mar 2014, 3:18 am

clezzy wrote:

Sorry about your relationship problems clezzy. There comes a time when you have to say to yourself that you've done everything you could and you just have to love yourself. You love her, but are you still in love with her? Life is short and there are no do overs. Perhaps it's just time to move on and make the most of your life.

cyberdad
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17 Mar 2014, 4:05 am

clezzy wrote:

I want to be acknowledged as a person by her and a girlfriend to her family. I want to be touched and desired. I feel like i have to keep all of secrets which be fine if the did not cause me pain but i'm hurting from all this. I know i rambled but i just wrote what was on my heart.

I'm not a counsellor but I can see there is a clear disconnect with what you want and what your friend wants. Many people with Aspergers are not that big on touching and it might be your friend wants a relationship with you without the physical closeness. I don't know her so can;t say for sure?

On the issue of being a lesbian you can't force her to come out, that's not fair. If you love her you have to wait and let do that in her own time. In the interim you need to have a think about what you want and what you need? If you need physical relationship more than a loving relationship then be honest with your friend and tell her. If she can't cope with that then find somebody who can give you the type of relationship you desire.

cyberdad
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17 Mar 2014, 4:08 am

ImAnAspie wrote:

I'm tired and lonely and I don't give a sh** what anyone else says or suffers. I've had enough of this stupid life - thank God I'm an Aspie. Makes things soooo much easier. more sarcasm. I have the skill of hyperfocus and I usually hyperfocus on how much my life sucks!! !

Dude, you are single, there's plenty of married men (like me) who envy your freedom. Enjoy yourself, don;t dwell on how f*** up life is.

KingdomOfRats
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17 Mar 2014, 4:13 am

ImAnAspie wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

ImAnAspie wrote:

Suck it up sister. I haven't been "touched and desired" for 12 years - you don't hear me bitchin', do ya?
You women!! !

yeah, that's it. I started out all bitter and twisted and got nicer. That's why! Duh!

You got nicer? When was this?

Sarcasm

I started out nice and dumb and naive thinking I was just like everyone else when it came to having a chance at a somewhat normal life, relationship wise. It's taken 12 years of nothing to make me all bitter and twisted inside - when I see people a quarter of my age flopping into and out of relationships like it was nothing special - partners cheating on each other like it was nothing special. If I had someone, I would cherish it and treat them with respect. I deserve someone more than half the slimebags out there who have someone and abuse them and the relationship but God just won't give me a break.... I'm tired and lonely and I don't give a sh** what anyone else says or suffers. I've had enough of this stupid life - thank God I'm an Aspie. Makes things soooo much easier. more sarcasm. I have the skill of hyperfocus and I usually hyperfocus on how much my life sucks!! !

its not fair to take any personal suffering out on other WP users but this really looks like depression talking, perhaps itd be wise to see the GP as they can help!,am actualy getting an emergency appointment today to do with a big slip up in mine
as came very close to getting sectioned again last night and need to get something done about changing bloody meds.

@clezzy,
sorry have not got any advice as am not one to talk about relationships when am not human friendly and have the most extreme form of asexuality going.

but,woud say are in the right company here as there are aspies and auties from all walks of life,welcome to WP.

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ImAnAspie
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17 Mar 2014, 4:50 am

KingdomOfRats: Thank you

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Your Aspie score: 151 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 60 of 200

Formally diagnosed in 2007.

Learn the simple joy of being satisfied with little, rather than always wanting more.

clezzy
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20 Mar 2014, 7:39 pm

This has not brought any relief! Abuse from another forum user and my ex gf still doesn't get it. She says after reading my post: I dont get what the telling or not telling my family has to do with me and she is goung the counseling for the empathy thing which can't change overnight.

I want to clear up the family situation: I don't have a problem with her family not knowing her business but she treats me different and i have to change and lie when around them. And we spent all holidays, summer break, and weekend trips with her family. But we are bff. Her mother passed away last spring. I knew her mother (while she was sick and visiting, I sat with her after my job til her daughters got home from work). At the funeral I fully participated as a family member; however, I did not ride in the family limo, wasnt included in pics, and literally did not sit beside her at funeral and wasn't instructed where to go(her aunt saw me standing around and asked where i was supposed to line up to which i replied i didn't know so she told me to stand beside my gf brother who was alone) but her oldest brother‘s gf rode in the limo and was by his side the whole time.

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20 Mar 2014, 9:01 pm

clezzy wrote:

she is goung the counseling for the empathy thing which can't change overnight.

I think that this isn't really empathy, but a kind of recognition or comprehension of emotional signals. The effect is as if the person doesn't have empathy, but that's just because they don't perceive what's going on in you the way you are expecting.

Therapy is not going to change this. This is the wiring thing.

She may learn to intellectually analyze what she is seeing in your body language and facial muscles to the point where she becomes better at identifying some of your feelings, but it will be work. This really isn't a thing that changes.

I am constantly, perhaps sometimes irritatingly, asking my family what they are feeling and thinking.
That's because if they don't tell me, I really don't know. it's not that I can't empathize.

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