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Frankie_J
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20 Mar 2014, 6:08 pm

So sometimes I'll be talking to my girlfriend and something will come up and it will upset me. Last night that happened and I ended up going quiet and eventually crying. She says she always feels like a horrible person for making me cry even though I think it's more the fact that I'm a very sensitive/emotional person. So she kind of 'told me off' for being so unresponsive when I'm upset. Apparently I don't say anything even when she asks me what's wrong or whether she said anything to upset me. I told her I just find it so hard to explain when I'm upset. I feel bad for making her feel bad, but at the same time it's hard to make her realise that this is a genuine difficulty I have. When I feel upset it's impossible to find the right words to describe what I'm feeling and why.

Is anyone else like this? What advice can you offer me?

Thank you :)



franknfurter
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20 Mar 2014, 6:33 pm

I often have that kind of problem, in my case its because I don't know why I am upset, I don't know if its the same with you or if you just can't verbalise what you are feeling at the time?

advise, hmm, are you able to explain once you calm down? if that's the case maybe you should just say you just can't explain yet, or just say you need to be alone for a while.

generally when I am upset and I don't know why or can't say I just say "I don't know" when someone asks, often if people keep asking I get more upset because I get frustrated because I don't know why I am upset or I cannot explain.



Frankie_J
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20 Mar 2014, 6:44 pm

franknfurter wrote:
I often have that kind of problem, in my case its because I don't know why I am upset, I don't know if its the same with you or if you just can't verbalise what you are feeling at the time?

advise, hmm, are you able to explain once you calm down? if that's the case maybe you should just say you just can't explain yet, or just say you need to be alone for a while.

generally when I am upset and I don't know why or can't say I just say "I don't know" when someone asks, often if people keep asking I get more upset because I get frustrated because I don't know why I am upset or I cannot explain.


Yes, I identify with everything you just said. But not everybody takes the "I don't know" response well. It creates a little rift in your relationship with that person because they expect you to be able to KNOW WHY you feel upset and tell them EXACTLY WHY you feel that way almost straight away. My girlfriend said later on that I should just tell her whether I am upset with her or not. But even when I tell her it's not her fault, she still takes offence to me being upset at something we spoke about.



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20 Mar 2014, 7:03 pm

I have the same problem :/ I wish I could give you advice, but I can't because then I wouldn't have this problem.


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AScomposer13413
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20 Mar 2014, 7:06 pm

I often find it difficult to explain why I'm upset about something in the moment because it can be a startling/emotional scenario, and it happens quite a bit. My advice to you would be to ask your girlfriend to give you time and space to calm down when those moments come up. I find it much easier to explain things after the moment when I've reflected on what happened and can pinpoint and verbalize my emotions.


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EzraS
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20 Mar 2014, 7:59 pm

Maybe try the "it's not you, it's me" explanation. I have had similar situations. They are hard to explain.



franknfurter
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20 Mar 2014, 9:06 pm

Frankie_J wrote:
franknfurter wrote:
I often have that kind of problem, in my case its because I don't know why I am upset, I don't know if its the same with you or if you just can't verbalise what you are feeling at the time?

advise, hmm, are you able to explain once you calm down? if that's the case maybe you should just say you just can't explain yet, or just say you need to be alone for a while.

generally when I am upset and I don't know why or can't say I just say "I don't know" when someone asks, often if people keep asking I get more upset because I get frustrated because I don't know why I am upset or I cannot explain.


Yes, I identify with everything you just said. But not everybody takes the "I don't know" response well. It creates a little rift in your relationship with that person because they expect you to be able to KNOW WHY you feel upset and tell them EXACTLY WHY you feel that way almost straight away. My girlfriend said later on that I should just tell her whether I am upset with her or not. But even when I tell her it's not her fault, she still takes offence to me being upset at something we spoke about.


I suppose your girlfriend may interpret the "I don't know" as I am actually upset with you but don't want to tell you, which does make things difficult

perhaps telling her in a way she may be able to relate, like that you get overwhelmed and don't know how to tell her at the time what you feel, you could try telling her that your brain freezes and you just feel the upset emotion at the time, that kind of makes sense I think :)

she should really accept that you have a problem with verbalising things straight away, perhaps reiterate that your hesitance to tell her is purely a brain speech output delay and has nothing to do with you not wanting to tell her.

how does she take offense to you being upset?



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20 Mar 2014, 9:57 pm

Frankie_J wrote:
Is anyone else like this? What advice can you offer me?


Yes I have the same problem. It's very hard for me to verbalize things when I'm upset. And if I try what comes out is usually NOT what I wanted to say and gets misinterpreted. Sometimes it takes me months to be able to put into words why I feel the way I do about something. It's not like I can just explain everything once I calm down.

Maybe you could have a "time out" signal to let her know when you can't explain? Or you could have a signal to reassure her that you're not mad at her or blaming her for something.

I think it gets better the longer you know someone. It just takes time for a person to get to know your habits and tendencies well enough to know when they don't need to take it personally.

EzraS wrote:
Maybe try the "it's not you, it's me" explanation. I have had similar situations. They are hard to explain.


Be very careful with this because in NT code it means "It IS about you but I just don't to say it." Especially in romantic relationships. I can almost guarantee if you say this to your girlfriend she will take offense to it.



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20 Mar 2014, 9:59 pm

dianthus wrote:
Frankie_J wrote:
Is anyone else like this? What advice can you offer me?


Yes I have the same problem. It's very hard for me to verbalize things when I'm upset. And if I try what comes out is usually NOT what I wanted to say and gets misinterpreted. Sometimes it takes me months to be able to put into words why I feel the way I do about something. It's not like I can just explain everything once I calm down.

Maybe you could have a "time out" signal to let her know when you can't explain? Or you could have a signal to reassure her that you're not mad at her or blaming her for something.

I think it gets better the longer you know someone. It just takes time for a person to get to know your habits and tendencies well enough to know when they don't need to take it personally.

EzraS wrote:
Maybe try the "it's not you, it's me" explanation. I have had similar situations. They are hard to explain.


Be very careful with this because in NT code it means "It IS about you but I just don't to say it." Especially in romantic relationships. I can almost guarantee if you say this to your girlfriend she will take offense to it.


I have this problem but in general not just when I'm upset.


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