Anger about past events, trouble with confrontation

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Mikemi35
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19 Apr 2014, 5:30 am

I frequently find myself stewing about past events. It could be an argument I had with another person 10 years ago, or one of many bullying incidents I was the victim of growing up. I'm 35 and still constantly ask myself why I was such a target. I can easily say "that was a long time ago, it doesn't matter anymore", but I can't quite get over it completely. Its the same with my Father, who is also a bully. I imagine telling him off and screaming at him, but I can't bring myself to do it. He's 70, frail and dying of cancer, but I'm still afraid of him. I'm curious to know if anyone can relate to this. Do you avoid confrontation all together or just with certain people?



zer0netgain
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19 Apr 2014, 7:48 am

My dad and I have not gotten along well. He had an abusive father, and in his own way, he was/is abusive.

Age and ailments have changed him some, but he's still a bit that way.

I came to a place where I realized that if I waited until he was perfect to love him, I'd never love him. So I had to choose to accept that he may never realize what he did because he doesn't want to face it. Either love him or abandon him. Don't expect him to have some epiphany and change.

It's the same with past events. I still get bad flashbacks, but I have to chose to leave them behind and try not to think about them...maybe try to find my own way to make peace with them...even if that means going outside where I'm alone and scream at the rocks to let out my pain.



mila_oblong
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20 Apr 2014, 12:41 am

I can definitely relate to that, in fact, I actually do this sometimes. I tend to think too much about that to the point where my nerves get worked up and my anxiety flares up.



DukeJanTheGrey
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20 Apr 2014, 6:12 am

If you keep asking yourself why me? Then i am sorry but it is always going to be you.



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20 Apr 2014, 2:28 pm

You poor soul how I empathise, I spend half my waking hours dwelling on events from the past (I'm 53 and still hurting over events from high school) I replay the events again and again still feeling the hurt/anger/humiliation and imagining how I'd like to have/should have handled it.

Still no better now; one of my housemates p*ssed me off big time yesterday, when I was out walking this morning I was ruminating on yesterdays events and rehearsing how I would confront him today.

Got home, he was the first person I saw and I did .... NOTHING.

Stupid thing is, I'm told that I'm very intelligent/articulate so I have the 'tools' to win an argument verbally and (sorry to be crass) I'm a big scary looking b*stard so I should have the tools to intimidate people (which is the probably the best method to adopt with this bloke) but no, let myself get bullied each and every time



ECJ
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20 Apr 2014, 3:26 pm

Mikemi35 wrote:
I frequently find myself stewing about past events. It could be an argument I had with another person 10 years ago, or one of many bullying incidents I was the victim of growing up. I'm 35 and still constantly ask myself why I was such a target. I can easily say "that was a long time ago, it doesn't matter anymore", but I can't quite get over it completely. Its the same with my Father, who is also a bully. I imagine telling him off and screaming at him, but I can't bring myself to do it. He's 70, frail and dying of cancer, but I'm still afraid of him. I'm curious to know if anyone can relate to this. Do you avoid confrontation all together or just with certain people?


I can relate to most of this. I also find myself stewing about past events - especially past bullying. My dad can also be a bully, and often threatens me during my meltdowns, but I can't bring myself to try and stand up to him either. Like you, I can imagine telling him off and screaming at him, but that's where it stops.
I think it's hardest to stand up to family members. I'm slowly learning how to stand up for myself to other people, but family members is very hard. I'm scared if I try and stand up to them, they'll throw me out of the house and I'll have nowhere to live.



anneurysm
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20 Apr 2014, 3:27 pm

Getting over being bullied and misunderstood by people, and developing fear of certain people/types of people as a result, is something that I've learned is incredibly hard to do, so I fully emphathise with this feeling. You should avoid any confrontation for sure as it will just exacerbate the problem and remind you of the past pain more.

It would be good for you to perhaps implement some techniques to help avoid getting stuck in the past. Mindfullness based stress reduction is something I use frequently and is absolutely worth a try. Perhaps you could see if there are classes in your area, and there are also apps with quick breathing exercises and meditations that you can download onto your phone for a quick fix.

I also visualize a red stop sign the second I am thinking about horrible memories from my past and tell myself "Stop. Don't go there".

Also, focus on the people who accept you today and be grateful for those who have. Focusing on those that care for you will help you realize that not ALL interactions with the people around you are necessarily going to be negative.


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loner1984
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20 Apr 2014, 10:31 pm

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. I have made my fair share of stupid mistakes, i regret today, and other events in my life which i had no control over, like my dad dying when i was a kid and bullied in school and such.

Its easier said than done. but if you keep focusing on it, it will eat you up inside. I dont think you will ever forget, get over it, but again i dont think you should, that suffering or misfortune is part of who we are, if that hadn happened, it wouldn be us here now asking these questions, it would be someone else.

I believe in being bigger than those people who do bad things to other, sometimes its just be to let things in the past stay there. The best you can do i feel like, its accept it, the pain, whatever it might be, and make it part of you.

Just remember that it wasnt your fault, its always easier to look back and thinking about what could have been different, because we are wiser now. Its not easy being a child or a kid with these sort of problems that people on here has. I often compare my time and memories from school, being worse than being in prison.

In case of your father again, think about it this way, even though a person might have done something bad to do, you are more than that, you are a better person. forgiveness isnt easy and not everyone deserves it, but it can be important, even thought it is very hard.

I will admit that one of the reason im very afraid of getting emotional or close to anyone, is that maybe for all that i think ive learned, that maybe ive just gotten good at surpressing the bad that i have experienced, and who knows if it would cause a total breakdown if all that was to let surface. Im definitely not an expert or perfect by any means what so ever.

I guess what im trying to say is, your definitely not alone, its not unique to you, i would bet that many people on here are having the same struggles as you. i sure know ive been there for many many many years, and it wasnt nice.



MjrMajorMajor
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20 Apr 2014, 10:59 pm

zer0netgain wrote:
My dad and I have not gotten along well. He had an abusive father, and in his own way, he was/is abusive.

Age and ailments have changed him some, but he's still a bit that way.

I came to a place where I realized that if I waited until he was perfect to love him, I'd never love him. So I had to choose to accept that he may never realize what he did because he doesn't want to face it. Either love him or abandon him. Don't expect him to have some epiphany and change.

It's the same with past events. I still get bad flashbacks, but I have to chose to leave them behind and try not to think about them...maybe try to find my own way to make peace with them...even if that means going outside where I'm alone and scream at the rocks to let out my pain.


Very much agree.



em_tsuj
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21 Apr 2014, 1:19 am

I can relate. I feel a lot of anger right now about my childhood. I resent not having a childhood. I am angry that the first 30 years of my life were not lived. I feel like it is a waste--a needless waste. I am jealous of people who had carefree childhoods and got to explore things when they were younger. I am never going to get those years back. I want somebody to pay for my senseless suffering. The people who caused my suffering no longer exist. My parents are not the same people they were 20 years ago. Neither are the kids who ridiculed me and rejected me. Some of the people who hurt me are dead. No justice is to be found in this situation. I just have to suck it up and try not to let my anger consume me and rob me of any more time. My life is much better now, but it is hard to be grateful because I am just now where a normal 18 year old would be. I feel like it should have happened sooner or I never should have went through the pain anyway. I didn't ask to be born, rejected, abused, neglected, and asked to take care of my parents needs. I didn't ask for all these mental health problems. I didn't ask to be born black in a racist town.

I don't know what to tell you. Situations like this are why Job was written and why Buddhism was invented. Life is full of senseless suffering. All you can do is try to minimize your suffering. I try to let go of the anger when it comes up. Lately it has really been getting to me. I don't know what to do with it. I know eventually it will pass as I continue going to therapy and attending Al-Anon meetings.



SaulGoodeXL
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21 Apr 2014, 2:43 pm

Yes very much so. I am the classic - walk away from an argument muttering to himself, then stew about it for years afterwards - type.

I've learned some minor tricks over the years. I have some preset phrases I use in certain confrontations, such as:
"Stop shouting at me please. I'm not shouting at you so you don't shout at me."
"Just explain calmly and logically what the problem is and I'll see if I can help."
or
"I'm going to walk away and when you've calmed down I'll come back and talk to you."

I just find the best thing to do is to try to damp the situation down a bit, give myself a moment to think, and if they're still yelling I can look perfectly justified walking away.
It doesn't always work, and NT's seem to know how to push buttons effectively.
Also some people are just tuned to argue well. I've seen a guy I used to work with turn an entire argument back around on himself, contradict himself and still look like hes winning the argument.
/shrug


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CockneyRebel
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21 Apr 2014, 5:55 pm

I'm also hot and bothered about my childhood at times. I was verbally and mentally abused to an extent. I was not allowed to talk about my special interests or else my mum would chastise me for doing so. My dad chastised me for pointing out my favourite things to him. There was one time my mum showed me some type of case that was red, white and blue and I was really starting to hate the US at that point. I told my mum I thought it looked really neat. She blew up at me and yelled, "THE ONLY REASON YOU LIKE IT IS BECAUSE IT REMINDS YOU OF SOMETHING!" I didn't talk to her or even look at her for the rest of that day until bedtime. All I could think about was my seething anger that was right below the surface.


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Aprilviolets
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21 Apr 2014, 7:34 pm

I can relate as I stew over things that happened to me in the past, some scars will never heal, like when I was bullied at school by those monsters, also things like when someone promises me something then backs out of it with an excuse, I always thought that the reason I was awkward with socialising was because of the way I was treated.



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22 Apr 2014, 4:40 am

I stew about past events regularly( like all the times I have been bullied, taken advantage of etc) . I also stew about past mistakes. These events happened months to years ago, so stewing about it doesn't help. All this does is lower the self esteem. Which is low enough as it is.